


Even Angels Have Secrets

by wonderful_fannygirl



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Steve Rogers, Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Returns, Daddy Issues, Destruction, Drinking to Cope, Eventual Sex, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Goddesses, Guilt, Heavy Drinking, Heimdall has a daughter, Hurt Tony, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Mommy Issues, On everbody's part, Parent Tony Stark, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Powerful original characters, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Steve Rogers, Protective Tony Stark, Rape Recovery, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Sexual Tension, Social Anxiety, Steve Rogers Feels, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, changed avengers world, surrogate fatherhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-26 13:43:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 73,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13858968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderful_fannygirl/pseuds/wonderful_fannygirl
Summary: Havallah's been living on Earth for a long time now and still is getting used to navigating the human's tricky emotions and the world, that she's watched for years.You should know!!Havallah was there during the Battle of New York and made damages worse than depicted in the movie. She worked alongside Loki trapped under the mind stone in Loki's scepter.





	1. Chapter 1

The air was always something I particularly loved here. Yes, Asgard has good air too, but what was different about this air, was the noises. The birds squawking, the chirping, the smell of the human food of bagels and hot dogs and my all time favorite, the voices. A man and his wife bidding goodbye for the day as the head for work, polite conversations on the subway… Tony says my listening bothers other people. But, they’re my people. Nothing they say or do, is not something I don’t already know.  
“Havallah!” A voice rings through the voices louder than the others and I stop flight, pausing in the air to scope the voice. It sounds exactly like Tony. Ugh, speaking of Tony, he hasn’t been able to stop bothering and pestering me lately. He always seems to be needing a favor from me. I have been trying to help since I know the breakup with Pepper has been hard. He hasn’t exactly told the group yet, but… here I am. His voice… I still haven’t been able to pinpoint where it’s coming from. My hand surges with a white glow and then it dawns on me. I touch the tiny device in my ear.  
“Tony?” I answer back.  
“Get down here, now!” Tony orders. I can’t help, but roll my eyes at his ridiculous and annoying request. He needs to start learning that I can’t fly to Japan every time he wants his authentic raw fish. Personally, I could care less for it. Maybe Tony should have his own pair of wings or I should allow teleportation, then he’d stop bothering me.  
I land swiftly on the grass outside of the new Avengers training facility. I like it, the great glass windows and the way the sun sparkles on it. Especially at this time of day or any part of the day. In the morning, the new sun creates a snuggled atmosphere to waking up. In the afternoon, light rays bounce in different ways, blinding you if you step in the wrong spot and right now, the sunset creates a beautiful array of orange and pink that reflects on the grass. I have to stop admiring the grass because Tony is glaring at me.  
“I said be back by three,” Tony barks. He’s dressed! He’s wearing a suit with a nice satin black tie.  
“Sorry,” I shrug and begin to walk towards him. “Special occasion?”  
“I’m going to a conference, I’ll be back later,” Tony explains with somewhat clenched teeth. “The team wants to see you inside.”  
I nod and make my way inside and the cool air drys the sweat on the back of my neck. Natasha stands waiting for me. Her arms are folded, but her usual scowl isn’t marking her face. She’s happy to see me.  
Over the past four years, her and I have really grown to like each other. And trust one another. When I decided I want to stay and help Earth, the whole team took me in open arms except her. I think she didn’t trust me and I seemed to be winning over everyone except her. One day I had decided I needed human clothes and Tony offered to take me shopping on some sort of island, that’s not really an island, but I didn’t question it. Natasha had immediately objected to him taking me shopping alone and forced the idea of her coming along. I didn’t question that either. Tony had let me get whatever I wanted, but Natasha had to detain Tony when it came time to shopping for my undergarments. I didn’t think much of it and had said he could come especially since he was paying for the trip, but Natasha then explained that on Earth, a man did not take you bra shopping. That I didn’t understand at all. There were men and women going into the secret shop and I told her this, then she proceeds to explain that just because I may be thousands of years older than the adults here… on Earth, I am a sixteen year old girl, a minor, a child. Then, I caught on quickly and she took me inside. I liked sharing that experience with her as well and that was quickly the beginning of a long and prosperous friendship.  
“Hi,” I say, running hands through my hair. Natasha helped me a lot with that too. Right now, it was to my breasts, but I had experimented with it being shorter, but I was missing home right now and having it a little longer and being able to style it and braid it was helping.  
“We’ll have to be brief you on the way over,” Natasha explains. I stop walking and look at what I’m wearing.  
“What do you mean?” I ask, carefully. “Another mission?”  
“A small one, I promise and I think it’ll interest you a little bit,” Natasha states.  
“Interest me?” I ask with the smallest hint of a smile. I squeeze my hands a tiny bit and then stop. I’m almost twenty two years old in their years and generally, that means I shouldn’t be tricked into things like a child. “How?”  
“You said you’ve been looking forward to seeing how powerful Wanda is exactly, now’s your chance,” Natasha shrugs. I furrow my eyebrows.  
“You just want me to take her because of last time.” Last time, she had some sort of PTSD and almost destroyed the entire base they were searching and in the process could have killed them. I was thankfully along for the trip and detained her, but I don’t trust her now. And the way my power has become attached to her also bothers me. They used my blood when experimenting with her and had tampered with the mental abilities, the most. She’s a walking abomination. God, I shouldn’t say something like that. Occasionally, the humans do something that makes even me frown with disgust.  
“Hava,” She’s pleading with me now. No one must want to go.  
“Whatever,” I mutter and walk down the hall to the quinjets.

Wanda’s sitting with her head between her hands and her elbows digging into her thighs. Her brown eyes are trained on the floor and her brown hair is pulled back into a ponytail. Her new red suit is dazzling, but she doesn’t seem to care about that. I look to her right and I smile at Steve’s figure. His arms are folded (Him and Natasha are so much alike!) and he has that small smile on his face that I love so much. I look into his eyes and I can tell his stomach just flipped because mine did too. I blink my eyes a little and open my mouth to say something. It’s like in those movies, when the music changes into a sexy slow number and everything moves in slow motion. His eyes are focusing on me now. Damn, Rogers I hear in my ears and I turn towards Natasha, who’s mouth isn’t open, but her thoughts aren’t guarded like normal. The sequence is very much over and when I look at Natasha, she’s smiling at me. She wanted me to hear that.  
He likes you, you know Natasha slithers, knowingly. I let out a growl that comes out meaner than intended and the smirk is wiped off Natasha’s face. She’s back to being guarded because I didn’t get to know what she thought of that. It just seems to poke me extra hard when she does something like that or suggests anything to love.  
“Wanda,” Steve’s voice says, breaking me from loathing Natasha at the moment.  
“Havallah,” Wanda’s accented voice says. I think Tony said she was from Germany, but I didn’t pay much attention. “Thanks for coming with me. Given that this is somewhat personal.” I furrow my eyebrows at what she's saying.  
“Personal?” I say with an undertone of edge. Natasha is stepping towards me I think to remind me to be nice. “What exactly are we doing?”  
“You guys should get going,” Natasha is demanding. She’s opening the quinjet locker’s doors now over by the panel. Steve is walking to the quinjet and Wanda’s following. I give one last glare before stepping into the jet.  
“I’m gonna follow,” I say. “Wanda, you should too.” Wanda is looking fretfully at Steve as if for permission. I roll my eyes and step out. Eventually, Wanda comes out too.  
“I’m going to assume that no one has shown you how to fly,” I sigh, looking at the sky. It’s turning to evening quickly. Wanda is looking too. “Don’t be scared, if you fall I’ll catch you.”  
I don’t bother hiding my smirk and float off the ground. My hand extends and Wanda takes it. Her power, being the grotesque color of burnt sangria, swirls around her limbs and she propels into the air around me. I don’t know how to teach her. Does she need gentle guidance like Frigga did with me or does she need to be pushed into the deep end like Heimdall? Pushing her in the deep end would force her to learn and adapt, but she’s probably had a lot of that in her life. Actually, she has. I can feel her radiating through my body now. I shiver my shoulders. Grrrr I’m holding her damn hand! We’re going up into the air and Steve is following in a jet.  
“How hard is it for you to concentrate? Does it take a lot to use your powers?” I ask as I zoom ahead. Wanda’s other hand is holding the magic in place. “Why do you need your hands?”  
“That’s where it comes from,” Wanda explains. I shake my head with a smile.  
“It’s already in your bones, Wanda, just concentrate on yourself,” I ease. She closed her eyes and now she’s let go of one of her training wheels. Unfortunately, I’m the other and I’m pretty sure I’m carrying her. I am a little, but she’s got herself too. With my strength, I barely notice things like that and especially since I offered help, I’ve already gotten used to the idea of holding her up. I check to make sure, I’m not subconsciously holding her on her other side, but she seems to be doing it on her own. She’s still scared to be up here.  
“Nothing up here can hurt you.” I’m trying to get her to look at me and with a tiny mind push she does. “And even if something comes, I’ll knock it down.”  
We fly over the state and now we’re over the ocean, I inhale the salty air and giggle. I would love to get closer to the water and maybe get a chance to watch fish underhead, but Wanda’s still wrestling with the clouds that whip onto her cheek and leave a little water residue behind. I decide to loosen my grip a little to see if she’ll squeeze back into my hand, but she doesn’t. Good I think to myself.  
“Ready?” I ask, knowing she may think she’s not. She’s not, but I want to test her reflexes.  
“What?” Wanda asks, the smile that was coming from being satsifed, dissapearing.  
“To do it by yourself?” I clarify.  
“No,” Wanda says. I can hear her heart beating in her chest. It’s getting harder and louder in my ears with her hand squeezing tightly around mine.  
“You’re ready,” I say. I let go of her hand and she begins to fall, but we’re twenty thousand feet in the air. I have time.  
“Hava,” Steve sighs. “What the hell are you doing?”  
“Give it a second,” I say. “She’s still alive and she’s thinking.”  
“You’re scaring her,” Steve says.  
“I’m teaching her. This is how Heimdall taught me.bYes hand holding is essential, but she can do this on her own,” I say back to him.  
“Fine,” Steve says. I listen for a second, she’s still screaming! But, I have time. “Tony told me you spent some time in Queens today.”  
Oh yes! My stupid assignment for Tony today was collecting surveillance. On of all things, a child! “Yes,” I answer.  
“I’m gonna have to take you somewhere better,” Steve says. I can hear his smile.  
“Like where?”  
“Brooklyn,” Steve sighs. “You’ll like it better there, I promise.”  
“I bet I will,” I laugh. I listen again, fish flopping, birds… but no more screaming. Thank god, alas she’s… murky. I furrow my eyebrows and begin to turn towards the sea, diving past and Steve follows closely behind. Wanda’s eyes are closed and I swoop down and take her into my arms before she hits the water. Steve opens the quinjet and I step inside and lay her down. My eyes glow white for a second as I search in Wanda’s head for just a second. Memories, her memories, flash in my head. Schoolyards, german words being shouted over and over, her parent’s faces and… a brother. A twin brother at that. She never mentioned one. Not that I listened to her much to say she had one. I suppose that’s my own fault. Now, I’ve hit what I wanted. She passed out!  
Wanda! I yell into her mind and she sits up. Her eyes are blinking me and she stands up, infuriated.  
“You let me fall!” Wanda yells into my face. She’s not that short, but I’m still taller than she and I look down.  
“You’re supposed to catch yourself, fight or flight,” I say. Her face twists into detestation.  
“I know you don’t like me very much, but you can’t just kill those of us you don’t like!” Wanda screams. I step back and roll my eyes. The damn girl could probably see glimpse of my mind when she held my hand. The same way I can see into hers except she probably can’t get as far into mine as I can in hers. I look back at her now.  
“Wanda, I don’t want you dead,” I say, truthfully. “Or else I would have let you fall.” Steve shakes his head at this now. That must not work here on Earth. Sometimes I forget how humans are wired. When I was younger and just starting work on them, I thought of people that looked like asgardians and were glorious, more than we were. But, then I thought “what would Asgard be without the powers? What if we were stripped and burdened with an emotional well of thoughts and ideas?” In her emotionally riddled mind, me letting her fall and somewhat being amused at her hesitation to flying is me… making fun of her. I frown and lower my shoulders.  
“I’m sorry,” I say. She’s taken a bit at my change. “I’m still not entirely used to…here. I just want you to best be able to harness this gift.” Her face now changes again. I can’t make out what it is, but her eyes are hardened and she’s stepping towards me.  
“You think that this was a gift?” Wanda spits. Steve walks over to her and puts a hand on her shoulder.  
“Wanda, remember who you’re talking too,” Steve warns. Wanda shrugs him off.  
“I didn’t want this,” Wanda begins. “They tested on me, mutilated me, hurt me, scarred me for a weapon somewhat like you! And now look! Even you think I’m an abomination.”  
“How’d you…” I whisper to myself. There was no way she could see into my mind, no way at all. And then realizations clears my view. She didn’t know, but she did now.


	2. Chapter 2

I step back, slightly, aghast and riddled with confusion. There’s no time to dwell on it because I slip backwards and feel myself fall backwards. Steve must’ve propelled us into the air and I fall for a few hundred feet and then decide to fly back to the base. Could she see that deep into my mind? I question as I fly faster than I mean to and fly nine hundred miles inland and past the base.   
I stop myself, falling into a grassy clearing in a forest, and shake my head. No, she couldn’t see it, but she saw it on my face. Usually, I’m better at that, at hiding what I think on my face. Humans aren’t, but I suppose spending this much damn time with them isn’t helpful! Ice is starting to form around my legs, but I don’t stop it. I was trying to help her! Why didn’t she see that and more importantly, why didn’t Steve see that? He looked so disappointed when I talked about the falling. It’s true! If I didn’t like her, I would have set her up to fail some other way where she wouldn’t truly learn anything. Here, she does! I do like Wanda, don’t I? She’s an extension of my power and I should be impressed with how far humans have come from their days of worshipping a stupid child with wings! The ice is suffocating trees and flowers, but again, I’m not concerned. I take a deep breath and hear something clutter behind me in the woods. Ice shoots from my hands and it stops inches in front of the person’s chest.  
“Vision,” I sigh. That stupid mind stone is glaring me down. Essenced with beautiful power, it always displeases me to see it’s found a host, one it generally seems to really like. That’s the only way I can make him out because otherwise I would’ve just pierced his heart. Or chest…?  
“We saw you overhead,” Vision explains. Sam Wilson lands behind me, gawking at the ice. Damn He thinks. I look around at the ice too. It seems to be spreading. Damn, indeed.

I enter my room before Wanda and Steve are back and fall onto the bed with a heavy sigh. I kick off my little ankle boots and begin to slither out of my pale peanut colored jeans and throw off my white sweater. I get up and walk towards the mirror. Thongs as humans call them, accentuate and sexify my butt, which I’ve grown fascinated with. I look at my breasts which are cupped by a red bra that matches the tiny underwear I’m wearing. I run a hand over my waist and begin to take off my underwear to take a shower when there’s a knock. I throw open my closet and take out a little red kimono (one good thing about my trips to Japan is that I get to see another earth culture, but still). I throw it on not bothering to tie it and open the door and walk back to my bed and throw myself into it again.  
“I know I messed up,” I groan into the sheets. Then, I sense something and my mind slams the door and I sit up. “Wanda.” She gapes, I think at my breasts and what I’m wearing. This is sexy in her world, so I tie it.   
“What?” I snap.   
“I’m sorry for upsetting you after you apologized. It was rude,” Wanda says. I narrow my eyes and try to process her apology. I nod, accepting and Wanda sighs. She seems- she is relieved. “Can you take me again, maybe tomorrow?”  
“Do you honestly want to try that again?” I ask her. “Or did a certain someone tell you to ask?”  
“I want to,” Wanda says, surely. She steps towards the bed, pondering if she’s allowed to sit and I scoot over to allow her. “I was starting to catch myself, but then it was like the fear came back. And there was no sign of you or Steve and I got worried.” This is understandable enough, but I now know she’s going to require a little nurturing to get this. She’s already as hardened as she wants to be.   
“When my father and Frigga began to train me. I didn’t want do it, I thought it was so stupid of me to be training to kill someone. That if I ever needed to be protected my father would do it for me or my husband,” I begin to tell. Wanda’s interested in the story, especially since this is the longest one-on-one conversation we’ve ever had. “But, then Sif introduced me to the glory of battle. And I liked it or liked the idea of it and I was suddenly overjoyed when I had the skills to be able to stand up for myself.” Wanda nods. I don’t think she fully understands. “You need to be able to stand up for yourself, Wanda. You need to be able to know the fullest extent of your abilities and exactly what you’re capable of. And that’s all I’m trying to show you.”  
“Thank you,” Wanda understands. She still looks like she has more questions.  
“What?” I ask, trying not to snap at her.  
“You were fighting against Steve and all them when you first met them, right? Like me?” Wanda asks. My head knocks to the right. That was bold. And to the point, I like it.  
I smile a little, “Yes. But, it’s not the same.”  
“You were being controlled by the tesseract?”  
“No, I was being controlled by the mind stone, the one in Vision’s forehead. That came from Loki’s scepter, which was controlling me.” I’ve had to to explain this a lot. To everyone who’s joined the team. As if they still don’t trust me.   
“But, you loved him.” Loved. I growl to her inside her mind. She’s not in mine, but still. Damn, how could she know something like that? “Exactly. So did you willingly let him do that? Knowing he was going to try to kill-”  
Enslave I correct.  
“Enslave the human race? You’re very powerful and I can barely break through to your mind. Is it because he’s asgardian? Was it was easy for him to break through?” Wanda finishes her question. I start to laugh. So many of the things she just said were so wrong. Yet, I don’t know her well enough and I have to admit, like her enough to explain to her exactly where she’s wrong.  
“Wrong,” I let out between chuckles. “That’s not what happened at all.”  
“What did?” Wanda asks. Maybe she cares. I suppose I can tell her, but before I think of the negatives to it, the words are spilling out of my mouth.  
“I was vulnerable. Because I was having sex with him. Because I was in love with him. I didn't know he was going to just turn around and use me because I was stupid and sixteen years old and my dad was away a lot and I didn’t get the right type of love from a man, that I needed, so I just took whatever came by,” I admit. I close my mouth. I never had admitted that last part, but it’s seems to be a whole lifetime ago, like another person. “I’ve grown since then.” Wanda’s eyes are widened at my confession and her mouth is shaped in a small circle.   
“Close your mouth, you look ridiculous,” I say. She follows instructions and I notice now there’s ice at my feet and my hands were gripping the sheets. I fold my arms and Wanda’s gathering what to say.  
“You think it’s your fault?” Wanda asks.  
“No,” I scoff. “Loki’s a giant ass, but because of him I’m also here, so I have that much to be thankful for.” Wanda understands this too. “You don’t have to tell me your story. In fact, don’t. I already know it. I just figured maybe we should balance the plates. I know your life story and you can know mine.”  
“That was your life story?” Wanda asks.  
“The only part that matters to you, Wanda,” I say. There’s a knock at the door and it’s Steve. My heart, for some odd reason, doesn’t want to explode out of my chest. Like the weight of Wanda and I’s conversation is weighing it down, but I think it generally is.   
My eyebrows are pressed flat with emotion and my eyes are trained on my floor and Wanda looks the same as I am. Steve disrupted this and is very much intruding. My eyes glance up at his and looking into his swirling abyss of teal and clouds, sends my heart wrenches and tears start forming in my eyes.   
I stand up and walk into my bathroom and slam the door shut. I’m glad now Tony reinforced the frame of my bedroom with steel, it makes it harder to rip through the beams. I let out a quiet sob. I guess I never realized how much I miss… I don’t know what I’m missing anymore. My father, love or worst of all, Loki’s love. My heart squeezes at the thought of Loki. Flashes of his pale chest and his soft, midnight kisses graze through my mind. I lean against the counter and think of his hands pulling my hair and his giant hands guiding my hips into his. A tingle runs up my spine. Maybe I’m deprived, sexually. I’m hungry and dreaming about the last great feast I had before the hunger started or thinking of a feast I want. No! I clench my eyes shut, but all I see and hear is his calling of my name and his sweet, lusteruous moans.   
The door opens and Steve steps inside the bathroom with. Oh God, no… I turn from him, but the only thinking I can do is imagine my hands running through his glossy raven colored hair. I turn to Steve and the thoughts turn differently. Thank you.  
“Are you okay?” Steve asks, stepping closer to me. I take a small step back and sit on the seat of the toilet.  
“Where’s Wanda?” I ask. I knew I had to have been in the bathroom for a couple of minutes. I wonder if he heard the crying. My face isn’t puffy or anything, I’m pretty sure.  
“I told her I should talk to you,” Steve explained. Steve and I have been friends for a long time and he knows how much I’ve struggled trying to make it up to the collective human race. “She said she mentioned Loki.” I look up at him, now and feel some relief over me. Talking to him about Loki isn’t always easy, but at least he’s not some stranger; still talking about Loki with Natasha is better.   
“I’m just kind of missing Asgard right now,” I admit. That part is true. There was no one more thrilled then I was to hear of Loki’s death, still I felt as if he wasn’t truly gone. It warmed my heart that Thor and him had fought together to draw out those idiotic elves and to save Jane Foster. Jane Foster was doing well, but I wonder still on how Thor is handling that breakup.   
“Sometimes I miss my old life too or people in my old life,” Steve says, walking over to me and squatting beside me. I smile sweetly at him and he blinks and smiles back.   
“You friend, James,” I remember. I instinctively pull Steve’s chin up because I know his thoughts are drooping. “Bucky.” I correct.  
“Yeah,” Steve gets out.   
“How’s your search been? Do you need my help, yet?” I ask quietly. Steve shakes his head. I wish he would just ask for my help, already. I want him to stop his suffering. It’s been two years, doing this. “Steve.”  
“Not yet, Hava,” Steve pleads. “I just need some more time. We’re close.”  
“Don’t do it right now, bring this up,” I clear. “Tony’s been going through some things and this could upset him.” Steve is considering what I’m saying and nods.   
“We’re gonna eat soon,” Steve suggests.  
“I’m gonna go to bed, Steve,” I answer. “My mind’s foggy and that’s never good.”

The next morning, the sun is shining directly on my face and I feel transported back to my bedroom in Asgard. The clarity is slipping as I remember the day ahead of me. This is the first time I’ve woken up and not been happy to be on Earth. There’s a light knock and I allow them to come in. I can’t hear them so I determine it’s Natasha or Steve.   
“Rough night?” Natasha voice rings. She kicks a liquor bottle on the floor. Oh right… after Steve left, I drank six of those. It was just enough to make me forget all about Loki until right now.   
“It clears my head,” I defend, rolling over. I reach my hand for a glass of water on my end table and drink what’s left, except it’s not water. It’s some other liquor. I seethe and curse to myself. When I turn back around, Natasha is picking up the bottles and leaning them against the wall. My room is a complete mess. Yes, yesterday I had scattered clothes everywhere like normal, but this mess… it’s like I tried on everything in my closet.   
“This isn’t healthy,” Natasha says, scooping up some jeans and folding them. I stand and begin to help her.  
“It makes me feel better,” I say. This has happened two other times.   
“If you ever feel like this, you can talk to me, Havallah,” Natasha urges. She packs my jeans into the dresser and I simply shrug.   
“About how I miss Loki?” I ask. She nods. “I shouldn’t miss him, Natasha.”  
“You had a special relationship with him and… he died doing something he knows would have made you proud,” Natasha reminds.  
“Well, he didn’t do it for me,” I reply. He did it for Thor. I think.  
“I know,” Natasha nods, picking up some leather jackets. I look at what I’m wearing. I must have fallen asleep in this business suit that Pepper forced me to get when I went shopping with her. I start to unzip the skirt and step out of it. I give the skirt to Natasha so she can put it away. I take off the jacket and notice I changed my underwear. I’m wearing a black push up bra of all things and lacy black underwear. I’m staring in the mirror when the door opens and Tony peeks his head in.  
“Havallah,” He begins and notices what I’m wearing. I turn to him and fold my arms. “Uhm… let’s do Queens, again today.”  
“Fine,” I roll my eyes and Tony leaves. Natasha has somehow put away half the clothes on my floor and is now searching for my clothing for the day.   
“It’s supposed to be seventy in the city today,” Natasha informs. She takes out one of the leather jackets she just put away and throws it on my bed. I walk next to her and pull out a black cropped tank top and throw it on the bed, too. She frowns. “Why don’t you choose something with some color?”  
I look at her black jeans and umber jacket. “Mmmm.” Natasha puffs and opens the dresser in the closet. I plunge through with her, sifting different colored jeans. I pull out a light blue pair that I decide I can fathom, although this still doesn’t reflect my mood at all. Natasha leaves me to get dressed. I exit my room and find Wanda lingering nearby.  
“Wanda?” I say, clearly. She looks up and smiles, nervously.  
“I was just wondering what time we could go today? Tony told me you’re going flying.”  
“By myself,” I clarify. Her eyes drop to the floor. “I just need a little time by myself. Why don’t you meet me in the city around…” I try to remember what time that boy gets out of school. “Three-thirty.”  
“Okay,” Wanda agress. I take a breath and force a smile and exit the facility. It smells like fresh cut grass and I smile, giddily. I burst into the air and soar straight into what the human’s call the stratosphere. They can’t breath up here, but lucky for me… oxygen is nothing. I close my eyes and ice forms around my fingertips and I close my eyes. Here is complete silence. Humans don’t roam here and I can’t hear their voices riding out on the oxygen. My body floats through the almost zero gravity and I sigh. Maybe sleeping up here is better for me. It’s the most relaxing thing I’ve done in the past year.  
The first couple of months after hearing of Loki’s death, along with Frigga’s, was an emotional rollercoaster. I assured everyone I was just upset about Frigga, she was the closest thing I had to a mother. The only thing I had as a mother and now she was gone and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I never had to my father, either. In my mind, I lift a shade of the curtain that is normally drawn so my father can’t see me and allow him a peek through.   
Havallah His voice rings clearly through my head.  
Papa I answer. He doesn’t reply for a long time.   
Are you alright? He asks with desperation wreaking from his voice.  
Yes… I miss you… How’s Asgard? I ask. His chuckle rings through my ears and I smile and open my eyes. My father is relatively still the same. Glowing, amber and swirling eyes are ecstatic to see me and his armour clings tightly to his shoulders. He is without his helmet, so I assume he’s off duty.   
Odin is… still reeling from Frigga’s death. Loki’s too. He says sadly. I roll up and frown. I moan sadly in response. When are you coming home, Havallah?  
I’m already home, Papa I answer to him. The ice from, I assume, the cold is crawling up the sleeves of my leather jacket. Damn! Natasha is going to kill me.  
Havallah. You could at least visit He reasons. I nod.  
I will, Papa I try to calm down. I fly closer and take his hand. I love you, Papa. And I miss you, a lot. I’ll visit soon I whisper. He holds back tears and closes his eyes, allowing one to fly down his cheek. He moves closer to me and kisses my forehead.  
Please do He pleads and before I can answer, I feel my own tears rolling down my cheek and he’s gone. 

Free falling was something I particularly enjoyed. The rush helped drown out the sound of voices as I fell back into the atmosphere and the oxygen carried the voices. I open my eyes and begin to fly through the sky. The school that surveillance boy goes to is called Midtown High. Most of the day, I sit outside and listen to the voices to see what the kids are thinking. Lots of sexual thoughts, mean thoughts and occasionally an image of surveillance boy doing something. I could destroy the entire planet, I can lift an airplane with two fingers, I can create an army of super humans, I can ease political tension, but my talents are being wasted watching a fifteen year old nerd attend school. At first, I was happy doing this. I love humans and I love being around them, but this routine was getting tired. I did like to see others, you know. The boy is exiting the building and he jumps over a fence. A ten foot tall fence! I sit up from the cafe across the street and stare, gaped. Maybe he’s more entertaining than I thought. I get up and begin to follow him. He’s changing his clothes to a blue and red suit. I turn back around the corner. He’s a child which means as an adult on this world, me watching him is considered gross. I sigh, leaning against the brick of the building. A cat is staring at me. It’s ear is chipped and I bend down.   
“Hi, kitty,” I purr. The cat comes to me and rubs its head in the palm of my hand. Soft black fur. It’s adorable! I pick up the cat and continue petting, I look back to the boy and he’s changed now. He jumps onto the dumpster and then the fire escape and then to the roof. What fresh hell has Tony just stumbled onto? I float in the air and the cat continues pushing its head into my breast, cuddling with me. He’s swinging now from building to building and I follow close behind. The cat continues purring and meowing, I think it’s scared, so I set it down the ground while I continue to watch the boy. He perches himself on a ledge and watches onto the street. He notices a man steal a woman’s purse and before I can interrupt, he’s on his feet following the man down the street. They end up in an alley and the man pulls out a gun. Damn humans! Is he willing to kill that poor boy over a damn purse? Before the bullet from his gun can pierce the boy’s poor chest, I find myself standing in front of the boy. The bullet crumbles into pieces and onto the floor. The man continues shooting. The bullets don’t work, genius! I walk towards him and as the gun clicks, he stumbles.  
“The purse,” I demand. He throws it to me and I grip it in my hands. Ice begins to crawl off the sides of the building. Ice works for this, better than what I was going to do. He starts to run, but the ice forms a wall in a split second and he pounds on it. Ow! I roll my eyes and the ice sweeps up his feet and he is forced to see me again. My eyes glow white. “Don’t do this again.” I order him now and he will most definitely not be doing this again. He’s dropped onto the ground and the ice separates so he can run through and back to his pathetic life. I smile, a little and then grimace. Oh shit! I wasn’t supposed to reveal myself to the boy. I was supposed to allow him to fight for himself and live his life. But, let him die?  
“That was awesome!” He exclaims. I smirk and turn towards him.  
“I know right,” I answer. I give him the purse. “Return this, okay?”  
“W-wait! Who are you?” He asks. I guess I look different from years ago when I addressed the world. Then, I had long uber straight almost black brown hair. I let the waves and curls form in it from time to time now and it’s now the color of dark chocolate. This boy was probably too little to see that announcement. And since then, I’ve been weary of the human’s questions for me in public or even seeing me. I’m a lot older now and hold myself differently, but not with humans. Somehow I’m still weary of them and only I talk to them within the presence of one of the Avengers.   
“No one,” I answer. That sounds like Natasha. I’m not Natasha. “Hava.”  
“Nice to meet you, Hava. I’m…” He begins. “I’m Peter.” He decides and takes off his ridiculous mask. A sweet boy with a sweet name.   
“Be careful, Peter,” I smile. I begin to walk away, when he stops me.  
“Wait, how did you-? Where’d you come from?” He asks. I think he’s a little mesmerized by my looks.   
“Heaven,” I smile. “Just think of me as your guardian angel.” He nods a little and I debate whether or not to sprout wings, one’s that I haven’t touched or thought about since I was ten. I decide to, just to throw him off. Or maybe a bird. I morph quickly into a dove and fly off into the sky. 

Wanda’s nearby and I fly down to her back in my normal form, next to her is Steve.  
“Sorry, I’m late,” I apologize.   
“It’s fine, I’m just ready to get started,” Wanda smiles. I look at Steve and time slows again. He smiles, the same goofy little one. That song Tony made me listen to once on the radio, the magic moment one plays, and I open my mouth to say hi, but no words.   
“I spent some time in Queens today,” Is all I manage to get out.  
“Maybe you can fly to Brooklyn,” Steve says. I chuckle and look to Wanda. Her mouth is perched open as if picking up on our moment.   
“I think we’ll go somewhere a tiny bit more interesting,” I tease. He chuckles to this and I float into the air. “Wanda.” I nod towards the sky. She slowly raises off the ground and I offer my hand and she takes it. To throw her off and get used to the speed of doing something like this, I zoom quickly into the air, completely carrying her behind me until we’re some miles off the shore of the city. It’s quieter for me out here.  
“Woah,” Wanda laughs. I laugh back in response and the magic is actually carrying her.   
“You wanna try the other side?” I ask. She nods and lets her other hand hold her up. She’s shaky, but at least her heart isn’t as loud as yesterday. I begin to go in one direction and she follows behind slowly.   
“So… what do you do in Queens all day anyways?” She quizzes.  
“I’m doing Tony a favor.” I’m afraid if I tell her I’m watching a teenager, she’ll want to talk to Tony and ask the reasoning behind this.   
“What type of favor?” She asks. She’s still focusing on trying to stay afloat. I frown.  
“It’s personal for him," I reply. I move around in a square trying to get her used to this. "You know, with you knowing how to levitate and fly yourself eventually you should be able to do the same with others."  
"What like carry someone along?" Wanda asks. She's smiling at that thought, but then something dawns on her and her smile disappears. "What, Tony?"  
"Give her the piece!" Tony's voice barks. I smile, a little to mischievously. I purposefully left so fast that they wouldn't be able to get ahold of me.   
"Hi, Tony," I reply out loud.   
"She says hi," Wanda relays.   
"Havallah! The piece now!" Tony orders. Wanda takes the piece out of here and promptly drops it into the ocean. I begin to laugh and she does too.  
"Oops," Wanda shrugs.   
"Shame," I laugh and float higher. "Come on." Wanda follows and look back to New York City. The sun is beginning to set and the skyline is gorgeous. Wanda's never seen anything like this. "Pretty?"  
"Breathtaking," She laughs. Wanda's a good human, I've decided. I fold my feet over. I guess I've been wearing these sneakers all day, looking especially human. Wanda has small tears in her eyes.  
"Wanda?" I ask, concerned.  
"My brother would have loved this," Wanda sighs. She sniffles and looks at me, breaking my heart. Her brother! Her poor twin brother! "I'm sorry," I say.  
I think I know who her brother is now. The fast one from Ultron. The one just as fast as I am sometimes. He stepped in front of Clint to save him and died right there. Before I could do anything, one of SHIELD's carriers began to drop out of the sky and I rushed into catch it. Never in my life had I been more angry over what I was seeing then. A monster created by a human that wanted to destroy the entire human race! My race, my humans, my children! I had been so distraught after what Thor had told me about Loki and Frigga I left to go do some thinking and came back to a total shithole. I should've stayed. Oh my god! I think I can help Wanda's pain. But, I shouldn't do something like that, it's messing with the way this world works. But, I can't watch her tear up over a sunset of all things! Not when I can so easily fix it. "I can bring your brother back." I blurt out. Wanda's head whips toward mine and she begins to fall from the sky, I catch her arm.  
"What?" Wanda cries.  
"I-I-I can help," I say, my heart crunching. "Let me help."  
"Havallah!" Tony's voice booms through the air. I turn and look at him and accidently let go of Wanda's arm. Luckily, she catches herself.   
"Damn it, Tony!" I yell.  
"Where the hell have you been? And you talked to Peter?" Tony asked.  
"Tony, the man was going to kill him," I argue.  
"How would you know that?"  
"Tony, I can see his mind! He was perfectly fine with killing that poor boy!"  
"What did I tell you about looking into people's minds? Havallah, it's rude," Tony spits.   
"I didn't look, I just... saw it," I let out. I did just see it. I look up at the sky and completely bring down my curtain. "Father!" I yell into the sky.  
"Havallah!" Tony yells back instead of Heimdall. "You're coming back with me. And you're grounded!"  
"Grounded?" I ask, following him back home. "I'm not a child!"  
"Then, stop acting like one!" Tony yells back in my face. We've gone inland quickly and we stand on the grass outside of the facility.  
"Stop acting like one? Stop treating me like one!" I scream.  
"Havallah, now is not the time!" He steps out of his suit and towards me.   
"Not the time for what! I'm an adult, Tony!"  
"The tantrums, the pettiness, the not following instructions! You're a sixteen year old child!" Tony says. "Natasha told me about last night! And the nights before that! Maybe you should go home, Havallah. In fact, you need to go home, I know you miss it." He's completely right and tears are welling up in my eyes.  
"I can't do that," I say. My curtain's completely down and my father stands behind Tony, I'm the only one who sees him.  
"Why not?" Tony asks. "You just need to spend some time there."  
"I'm not... Tony, please," I beg. "I'm not ready."  
"Havallah, face your demons," Tony says, a bit more calm. Natasha and Steve are standing on the grass too and Natasha is walking towards us.   
"Face your demons!" I bite back. "I was being nice by watching Peter for you. I didn't have to do that. Or all those trips to Japan. I was holding you up and why aren't you holding me up?" Tony closes his lips because Natasha is standing next to Tony.   
"Tony," Natasha calms. I let out a frustrated groan and stomp my foot. Now, I’m really acting childish.   
“Grounded,” Tony orders. I roll my eyes and accept my punishment. Tony goes back to the facility. Natasha steps towards me to wrap her arms around me and I let her.  
“Nat!” I growl.   
“Hava, you make it hard for me to blame all his missing liquor on myself. Not even I could drink six bottles of that stuff in one night,” Natasha explains.   
“But, he grounded me!” I whine and stomp my way to the facility doors.  
“So, you won’t be able to fly around for awhile, it’s okay,” Natasha continues her comforting in that sweet voice that makes you have to listen. “We’ll do lots of training.”  
“Fine,” I shake off.


	3. Chapter 3

“Good,” I ease. Wanda’s hands struggle just a tiny bit more and a grimace washes over my face. My hand reaches out and Steve hangs in the air. “Wanda.”  
“I know, I had it that time,” Wanda defends, “I would have caught him.” I raise an eyebrow and Steve gracefully lands on the floor.  
“Maybe that’s enough for the day,” Steve says, sensing my annoyance. God, it’s been three weeks of this! What is wrong with Tony! Over the past three weeks, everyday I’ve grown just a little bit grumpier of the facility and its human occupants. I was about ready to kill Sam over the last cup of milk this morning and last week, I slammed my door to hard and left a crack in the beam. Wanda and Steve exchange a look and Wanda leaves the training room. I slump onto the floor and close my eyes and rub. Tony’s also sent me on missions, specifically making me train with Wanda and Vision and with the way she’s been gaping and rolling her eyes at me and Steve. What her and Vision are doing is just plain pathetic.  
“Hava,” Steve begins, slowly. He’s trying to reason with me. I look up at him and meet his eyes. My heart somehow slows and speeds at the same time. A sweet melody drifts across my mind, but Steve isn’t returning this one. “You want to talk to me about this?”  
“About what?” I snap. Is he really that scared off at my vexation the past weeks? I understand Sam being absolutely terrified, but, what? Is he not attracted to this side of me, now? Ugh! He steps back and chuckles, nervously. I think I’m glaring.  
“Tony’s grounding you,” Steve answers. I stand up and take a breath.  
“I’m a little bored,” I mutter in answer, “And I can’t watch Wanda almost drop you anymore.”  
“Why? You scared I’m gonna get hurt?” Steve laughs as he picks up a water bottle. I smile a little.  
“I think you can handle yourself,” I say. “You can walk it off.”  
“Mmm,” Steve amuses. He looks at me now. His blonde hair is a little darkened by sweat and the sweat glistening off his neck makes me want to rip off his exercise tee. I look down at what I’m wearing. Black jeans, black boots, and a white tank top with a sports bra underneath because why feel sexy when I feel so damn crappy? For the second time in my life, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. The first time was the first time Loki saw me naked. But, in this situation I’m fully clothed, though I would love to be naked with Steve. “You know what I do when I’m bored?” Stare at your muscles in the mirror? I yell in my head.  
“What?” I answer.  
“Spar,” Steve informs. I shake my head and begin to the door. Of course, he does. “Normally, I do this with Nat. But, she’s not here right now and you’re bored. Plus, you’ve gotten nothing better to do.” He is very much right. I turn and look at him.  
“Steve, I’m ten times stronger than you are,” I remind him. “I’d crush you.”  
“Show me then,” Steve says, walking onto the mat. He takes off his sneakers and balls his fists. I shake my head and take off my jacket. I get a sly idea and pull of my shirt. Steve stares for a second with his mouth open.  
“This was fifty dollars, I’m not getting this covered in sweat,” I say, completely truthfully.  
“So, you admit you’re gonna sweat,” Steve challenges.  
“Your sweat,” I correct, walking over to him and ready myself. I don’t bother tightening my fist like him.  
“No powers,” He clears. I nod.  
“Of course,” I reply. We watch each other in circles. Steve’s eyes darken a little bit and I smile to this. He’s ready to bring his all to this. He catches me off guard and swings a hand at me and I duck and raise my back left leg and swing it into his side and we both break each other down now five feet away from each other. He’s not even fazed by my kick. Was it even that hard?  
“You’re a little off your game,” Steve smiles, he’s amused. That must not have hurt at all. He barrels towards me with a packed punch and I take it and throw my hand towards him. Instead of balling my fists (they would literally break his nose if I allowed this), I’ve curled my fingers in towards my palms. My hand throws across his face and he steps not acknowledging it or the pain that has to follow and I bend my arm ready to elbow him and get in my second hit. He grabs my wrist and somehow manages to lift me and throw me across the room. I sit up and throw back the hair in my face. I smile, having a tiny bit of fun, and stand up. I let out a growl of some sort and run towards him and jump to kick him to the ground. My foot slices across his foot, but he’s quick and puts his hand onto the small of my back and push me the ground and I stumble to the floor. I roll into a somersault and turn to see him ready with his own kick which forces me back a couple feet. I jump up and begin to throw angry and quick punches, he does the same trying to catch and anticipate my hands. He grabs my wrist again, both of them and I smile. I run quickly up his legs, bending the rules of gravity, but it’s still possible and kick him with my heel and flip back onto the ground. He’s holding his chin and runs towards me with a punch. How off his game is he? But, instead of hitting me he spins and his feet together knock me to the ground with an oof. I’ve watched him fight before, but that was quick. He takes his foot and is ready to press it against my chest, hoping I would be forfeiting, but I grab it and push him back and flip onto him, straddling him. I push back his wrists, but he’s stronger than I thought and flips me onto my back, knocking my bones a little and some air that was in my lungs. My legs struggle under his to get ahold of the middle of his body to get control, but he’s using his body weight and perfect shape to hold down an essential part of my thighs and hips at the same time. I struggle and whine a little, but his wrists are locks. Damn Steve, this is driving me insane, not that he knows that or should. I decide to sit up, which is so informal, but I’m not going to let him win. I roll my wrists and push him down and use his falling weight to get back my legs and sit on top of him and press my hand onto his neck. He sighs, accepting defeat and I smile.  
“I’m still bored,” I sigh, with an undeniable smile.  
“Really?” He asks, sitting up. I look down at his lips and back at his eyes. Swimming pools. His eyes are softened and he looks at my lips and wraps his hands around my waist and pull me closer. “Still bored?” Great Havallah!  
“A little,” I flirt. He chuckles; his hands wrap tighter around my waist and of course with my luck, the door opens. I laugh, nervously.  
Okay, then! Natasha’s voice rings. When I said do something productive, Hava, this is not what I meant!  
I push Steve off of me and land onto the mat.  
“Natasha!” I growl. Steve looks just as embarrassed as I do.  
“Should I leave the two of you or…?” Natasha alludes. I furrow my eyebrows. Natasha knows we’ve never kissed before or even gotten that close. Oh right, my shirt is off.  
“Nat, this isn’t what it looks like,” I breath. “Don’t tell Tony!”  
“Tell me what?” Tony asks, standing beside Natasha. His eyebrows fur down so deeply and I’ve never seen him so upset. Shit! Shit! Shit!  
“Tony, it’s not what it looks like, I promise! Steve and I we were just sparring and-and-”  
“She hit me a little to hard,” Steve says. God, he’s lying for me.  
“And where’s her shirt?” He growls.  
“Next to you, I-I took it off so it wouldn’t get sweaty-” I grimace. “For the sparring, I mean.” Tony looks at Natasha. I gulp. A smile actually appears on his face.  
“Are you feeling better?” Tony asks. I cock my head to the right.  
“As good as I can be,” I answer back.  
“Mm… Carry on,” Tony says, slightly and turns out of the room. Natasha looks between the two of us and raises an eyebrow.  
“Dinner’s in fifteen minutes,” Natasha smiles and leaves. The pressure off my shoulders lifts and I start to walk to my clothes and pull on my shirt.  
“I have to go,” I mutter and turn out of the room before he can say anything.

I walk down into the dining room an hour later. I changed my outfit after Natasha came and told me that we’re having guests. I’m wearing a wine red jacket, a black and white striped tube top and the same dark jeans. On my feet, I wear almost knee high black laced up boots. The guests that did make me annoyed a little bit having to interact with whatever humans we were letting eat dinner with us. The storm of the usual questions are probably brewing in their minds already. I suppose it helps with Vision and Wanda being around because people do want to know more about them as well.  
Standing in the dining room is a man with white hair, a furry white mustache and what seems hard unforgiving eyes. His thoughts aren’t loud and clear, but quieted whispers which drive me insane. There’s someone else in the room, who is screaming, but I smile. Tony stands with his hands on Peter’s shoulder pushing him towards Steve. I love when Steve cleans up. He’s wearing a gray button down, tucked (of course) into black jeans. Peter is happy to be meeting Steve and Wanda and Sam are engrossed in a conversation with Nick. I blink, Nick! A new human and one that won’t bombard me. Natasha’s still with the white haired man, but before they can say anything to me, I bump right into someone. He’s short with white hair, but smiley eyes.  
Oh! He exclaims to himself. His thoughts are fluttery and sweet and I stare at him.  
“Hava, you met Everett Ross,” Natasha says, coming over with the other man. I look at her and fold my arms. That man’s stupid whispering head is parading my ears. Why is she staring like that? What’s wrong with her?  
“Mm,” I groan in response. Natasha senses something wrong and looks at the man next to her. He’s glaring at me and she forces a diplomatic smile.  
“Havallah, this is Thaddeus-” She corrects herself when he shoots her a look. “The U.S. Secretary of State, Secretary Ross,” She finally says. I nod and extend my hand.  
“It’s nice to meet you, sir,” I smile. He shakes my hand, bluntly.  
“Havallah,” He says simply. I look back at Natasha for something.  
“Director Ross,” Natasha says, ushering my hand to the short man.  
“Director,” I state.  
“It’s nice to meet you, Havallah,” Everett says. I nod.  
“Excuse me,” I say and leave them and come over to Nick, who was watching with a smug smirk.  
“Hava,” He greets with open arms. I walk into them and squeeze.  
“Nick,” I chuckle. He puts two hands on my cheeks and gently squeezes.  
“Tony tells me you’ve been causing some trouble,” Nick chuckles too. Of course Tony told. He’s probably been telling everyone.   
“Not too much,” I mutter, incoherently.  
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still happy to see you, you look good,” Nick offers. “And you met Thaddeus.”  
“The Secretary?” I sigh. “That’s a tittle, isn’t it?”  
“Yes, so don’t call him anything less, especially you,” Nick reminds. “Same as-“  
“I know, Director,” I respond. “I know that title. You humans and your precious titles, if I wanted to call Thaddeus, Thaddeus, I would. Or maybe Toddy, like his wife does.” Nick chuckles and I look back at the Secretary. He’s glaring over at me and his thoughts are darting in and out of my head and I turn my head sharply the other way. Nick is another human, who’s thoughts can get extremely quiet which makes it nice, but I would love something to drown out the whispering and some of the other new thoughts swirling around the room. How many new people are in this stupid, god forsaken room!  
“Havallah?” I hear, gently. I turn and look at Steve. He has a small sympathetic smile on his face that makes the voices only a tiny bit quieter.  
“I need some space,” I whimper. Someone is yelling! Odin’s beard, will someone tell that kid to stop screaming and the Secretary keep it to yourself! Steve’s hand is on my lower back and leads me out of the room. The voices are better now and I sigh and fall into a sitting couch outside of the dining room. Steve watches me with folded arms. “It’s just the new voices.”  
“I know,” Steve says. “You had the same problem at that party, remember?” He’s referring to the party where Ultron later crashed it. Thor told me later that night about Frigga and Loki finally and I left for a long time after that, even ignoring their calls which was horrible of me especially since Ultron was no easy task like I thought it would be. Except, he didn’t comfort me at that party, Natasha did.  
“Right,” I agree with him and rub my forehead. “He’s just… does he not know I can hear him?” Steve shrugs and sits next to me.  
“Humans do that,” Steve says.  
“I know, but sometimes I forget how ugly emotions are,” I groan and rub. I can still hear him. “I just need a second longer to get used to it.”  
“Take all the time you need,” Steve says. He hesitates to touch my hand and we sit silently for a second. “Havallah, about earlier, I’m sorry.”  
“Steve,” I shake my head. “I have a lot going on.” I cannot believe that just came out of my mouth! Is that how I really feel? “And you didn’t mean it like that, did you?”  
Steve hesitates again, I think he has more to say, “No. I was just trying to cheer you up.”  
“Well, thank you,” I say. I change my posture slightly and relax into the couch. I take my minute and Steve sits silently, next to me. Our hands are still touching, I haven’t bothered to draw it back and I don’t want to hurt Steve’s feelings. It’s comforting, but awkward at the same time. I’m sensing from him, its hurt feelings as I continue to say nothing to him. I look at him.  
“Steve!” I call out as he storms away from me. “Wait.” He stops. Thank you, Odin!  
“What?” He says. “You need a minute, don’t you? My thoughts are probably distracting.” I stare at him.  
“I can’t read your mind, Steve. I’ve never been able to.” His face turns to confusion.  
“Oh,” Steve says. “Sorry. I just, you’ve been on edge lately and I don’t want to be another nail in the coffin.” My mouth opens in confusion. I can’t remember that one. “Another reason to piss you off.”  
“Oh,” I reply.  
A head pops out of the dining room and Natasha smiles.  
“Hava, Tony’s looking for you,” Natasha interrupts. I nod and look at Steve.  
“Thanks for the…,” I mutter and then grumble and enter the dining room.  
I walk away and rub my palms together and find Tony.  
“Havallah!” Tony calls out. He’s still with Peter. Peter is staring at me and I smile.  
“Hello, Peter,” I say. Peter puts out his hand.  
“It’s nice to formally meet you,” Peter says. “Havallah.” He adds.  
“Hava’s fine,” I say.  
“Hava,” He says instead. I shake his hand and now realize who’s been driving me insane.  
“It is cool, isn’t it?” I say, reading exactly what he was saying. He blinks.  
“How’d you…?” Peter alludes.  
How do you think? I respond. He gasps and laughs.  
“She can read minds!” Peter exclaims. “Oh my god! And she can fly! And the ice thing and that thing with the bird!”  
“What thing with the bird?” Tony says, his smile disappearing.  
“It was just some magic, Tony, allusion magic,” I say, knowing damn well he doesn’t really know what that is.  
“Okay,” Tony says, holding back his anger at me withholding another thing from him. “Where were you just now?”  
“Well, with his loud thoughts, Toddy’s whispering, and the usual, it’s a little loud,” I say. “I’m used to it now.” I assure as he frowns at me.  
“Well, let’s eat, you have to be hungry, don’t you?” Tony smirks. I roll my eyes and Peter looks between us confused.  
Woah that was weird Peter thinks  
That’s not even the half of it I say to him. He stares at me. You’ll get used to it

The dinner was going fine. I wasn’t particularly talking because along with the thoughts and the talking, it just jumbles and blurs. Steve is sitting on the other side of the table laughing with Nick about something. Natasha is to my right and Tony is at one end of the table, the head, there’s an empty seat and then he’s to my right. Across from him is Peter and next to Peter is Wanda. On the other side of her is Everett and then Steve. At the foot is Nick and then to the other side of Nick is Maria. Next to Maria is Vision, then Sam, then Thaddeus, then Natasha and then me. Toddy can’t stop thinking about me.  
How can she just sit here like this? One of his thoughts slithers, like that snake in that one movie Tony forced me to watch. She tried to have us killed, all of the people around this table would be dead if she just willed it? How can they all live with themselves? She’s a hazard, dangerous and doesn’t deserve to be here. How does she live with herself!  
“Would you just shut up?” I explode. The thoughts stop for a second and then parade.  
Is she talking to me? Thaddeus thinks.  
“Yes, I’m talking to you,” I say, looking down the table. “I can hear you, you know. I have been all night.” He’s staring, his mouth dropped and Tony sighs, annoyed with me and I sit back and I touch my forehead.  
“What did I tell you about reading other people’s thoughts?” Tony barks.  
“I don’t have to read them, Tony, when he lets them fly out and whiz around the room. Even if I wanted too, I can still hear the whispering and the disgust that would be in his voice. What do you want to ask me? What will quench your thirsty curiosity?” Thaddeus is staring at me and he folds his arms, extremely pissed.  
“How can you sit here knowing that you tried to hurt all these people? And all the others, too? The humans you claim to love so much?” Thaddeus asks. It’s like he’s been waiting this whole evening to ask me. I don’t have an answer for him, which is how this makes it so much worse and now everyone’s staring.  
I take a deep breath and respond, “The same way you do.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to sincerely apologize for me skipping details because looks like I've done it! I noticed that for some reason, the italicizing isn't transferring from my other doc to here! I'm so sorry for this, it's fixed now!

He’s staring at me, perplexed, I think. I stared straight down into his soul and I don’t hold back. Steve’s looking at me, concerned and unsurprised at my behavior.

“I deal with it,” I clarify. “The same way you do.” He knows that is not what I meant the first time. He sits back, trying to relax, but I knock my head to the right and smirk.

_ I see you  _ I bite back.

“Havallah,” Nick scolds across the table. He can read me like an open book. I lick my lips and look to the meal on my plate, which I haven’t touched.

“She can’t be here like this,” Thaddeus says, looking at Nick and then Tony. “She’s a danger. A major one.”

“Maybe, you don’t like this danger, Secretary, because you can’t control it,” Steve says. I look at Steve and raise an eyebrow.

“She can get out of hand like other things,” Natasha says, too. “But, unlike the others, Havallah can be reasoned with. And she would never deliberately hurt us.” I press my hands down on the tablecloth. Ice is forming under my nails. I stick my hands under the table.

“She saved my life yesterday,” Peter speaks up. “Sure, bullets can’t hurt her, but you seemed to get her upset just now.”

“And she’s made it up to us,” Wanda adds. “In so many ways.” Why am I reacting like this? Like something’s wrong. I can feel the power itching in my veins and Steve is watching with me hawk eyes. So is Vision and Wanda now.

“She does listen and all she’s doing is helping us,” Tony says to Thaddeus. “She’s not going to hurt us.” I ball my fists.

_ Havallah! What’s wrong?   _ Natasha thinks, knowing I’m listening.

_ I don’t know…  Maybe it’s Ross, it might be throwing off my senses  _ I excuse. It has to be because nothing else is going on. Now is not the time for Ross and Ross to find out how little control I really have of my powers. There’s control, but not like this. I suppose there is a reason, I’m not a true Avenger. Steve clears his throat. I can’t really break into his head and I don’t know if he knows that or not. I decided to try anyway.

_ Steve?  _ I call out.

Nothing. Then, I hear a murmuring. A new one. The other people are still talking and when I come back to the conversation.

“She’s not some weapon or alien! She looks exactly like you,” Maria argues. Damn, we’re still on this.

“I’ll be right back,” I say. Before they can object, I’m running through the facility and into the main hall. Fly wings! They follow behind me and I open the door. I look out into the night sky not seeing anything. The moon looks pretty though. The wings are getting louder. Then, I spot a cloud, moving towards me and someone’s yelling. They land in front of me.

”Don’t worry she can’t see me,” They say.

“I can see you,” I say with a small smile. They turn back to their regular size and I gasp.  _ Well, shit.  _ That’s something I haven’t seen before.

“Hi, I’m Scott,” Scott says. My mouth is gaped open. “Huge fan, by the way.” I try to close my mouth, but what the fuck? “Sorry for this.” He turns smaller and before I can do anything. Something hits my neck and forces me to the ground. I can see but, what is holding me down? Sam flies over me in his suit and I close my eyes, groaning. That actually hurts. I stand up, my body’s angry and I kind of am too.  I pull the stupid dart out and blood is on the tip. I run past Sam and find him struggling.

“Need a little help?” I ask. As the man turns big again, now that Sam has punched his chest. I grab him from behind and throw him into the air. “What is he?”

“Human male, he’s wearing some sort of shrinking technology,” Sam explains.

“Hmm,” I say and look back up to find feet, more specifically boots slapping me across my face and into the muddy grass. He stepped on my face! He bounces off and hits Sam and I stand up. That’s it! I curl my hand with power and swipe it across his face and he goes flying across the field. Sam watches and his wings pack back in.

“You okay? That looked like it hurt,” Sam asks. I look at him and just shoot a glare.

“Grab Scott, would you?” I say and turn back to the facility.

“Just a tiny intruder,” I say to Tony. “Sam’s bringing him in. He’s going to be out for a while.” The whole entire dinner party is standing at the door watching as Sam brings in the man.

“Could you pick anything up off of him?” Tony asks.

“His name’s Scott and…” I stop. More talking.  “And he has company, out front. Secretary, I think you know him.” Thaddeus frowns and follows Tony to the front of the facility. Better Ross, I decide to call him, looks at me.

“How’d you know? Could you hear him from that far away?” Better Ross asks.

“Kind of,” I say. “I can sense something like that. Normally, I wouldn’t be able to, but because of certain events, I was on the lookout anyway.”

“The same way you could sense the danger with the robber?” Peter asks, hopeful that he knows something that the adults are talking about. I smile and shake my head.

“Peter, I was stalking you,” I say, bluntly. Natasha snickers at my bluntness and I smirk.

“Oh…”  Peter says.

“Surveillance,” I say as Peter frowns, disappointed. “Tony asked me to do it.” And I step inside. I turn back to Better Ross.

“It was nice meeting you, sir,” I say, truthfully and I think he can see that. I begin up the stairs and then I turn to Peter and shoot him a look.

_ And you too, Peter  _ I say, softly.

“Good night, everyone!” I call out and then close my door upstairs.

 

It’s raining this morning and I feel as if it might be a good day for me to get out for a while. I sit up and look at the soggy grass and rub my hands over my cashmere sweater that I use for sleeping. I walk across my room and sit at my vanity and plug in my mp3 and press play.

_ Strumming my pain with his fingers  _ a heavenly voice rings out.  _ Playing my life with his words… Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song, telling my whole life with his words, killing me softly with his song…  _ I move my head as a guitar strums out. I sing along as I move as around the room. I fall onto my bed and sing out the chorus.

“Strumming my pain with my fingers!” I call out, putting a hand up. “Playing my life with his words!” I float in the air and spin. “Killing me softly with this song, killing me softly with this song. Telling my whole life with his words, killing me softly with his song!” I fall back onto the bed.

Vivid memories flash through my mind. Screaming, crying out, bullets, kisses, moans.

_ “She’s dead, Hava,” Thor says. _

My own screams and the amount of power flaring through the air. A blood-curdling scream.

_ “He gave his life for me,” Jane explains. “He was good. He was doing well.” _

Loki’s gray body flashes in my head.

_ “He told me to tell you, he was sorry, Hava,” Thor says. He takes my lip, cold hand. “He really did love you.” _

I’m transported through time and I stand over him. They had to leave him in a cave here.

“Loki?” I call out. I slump next to him and take his hand and put it to my cheek. “I accept your apology. I’m sorry, too.”

No answer.

“Just say something,” I whisper. My tears are burning my cheeks and as they drip onto Loki’s body. His eyes pop open and sad, broken frost colored eyes stare me down.

“Go home.”

I open my eyes. I’m back and stare at my ceiling. Snowflakes are falling right beside me and one touches my nose, it stings a little bit. The song is over and electronic sounds beep through the room.  _ I don’t wanna be your girl no more… no… more… _

I touch the snow. This is something new, very new. The song is still creating this weird dystopia and right as I go to change the song. It does it all on its own.

_ She take my money while I’m in need…  _ I furrow my eyebrows. Another change.

_ Baby, this is what you came for, lightning strikes every time that she moves and everybody’s watching her, but she’s looking at-  _ New song.

A piano solo begins as the song begins.  _ I waited for you today, but you didn’t show  _ what is with this? I look at my iPod and notice writing on the mirror.

_ Go Home  _ it says with dripping green ink. I get up and touch the ink and wake up.

I gasp and look at the eyes staring me down. They’re brown and wispy fires of scarlet swim in them.

“Havallah,” Wanda whispers. I begin to sob as she wraps her arms around my neck. I grasp desperately for her body, knowing that she’s real and whatever hell I just got pulled into is gone. “You’re okay.” She assures me. I sit back and look at her.

“How’d you…?”

“You were gasping and screaming, I got in here before someone else heard,” Wanda explains. “Where’d you go?”

“Here. I was here and then I was somewhere and then I was here,” I stumble. I get up and stare out my window. It’s still raining. “Or I guess I woke up and then left. Someone got inside my head.” I look at Wanda. Her magic was just dying down and I wasn’t exactly on the lookout. At all. I glare at her. “It wasn’t you, was it?” Wanda licks her lips. “Wanda.”

“Tony asked me to help you face your demons,” Wanda begins. “I knew you’re heavily guarded, so every day at training I would wear it down just a little bit and then eventually, like today, you were not paying attention so I took the chance, but then you left.”

“I left?” I ask.

“I opened the door and you ran straight into the fire, you didn’t even need me to push you or guide you to it. And then I heard you screaming and gasping and I stopped. But, then you were still there and I had to find a weak spot and pull you back.”

I turn from her and look at the window and place a hand on the glass. Ice begins to cover the entire window and I take a shaky breath.

“What did you see?” I ask.

“You really miss him,” Wanda says. There’s fear in her voice. I bite my lip and take a deep breath. Ice is still covering the windows. Snow begins to fall.  My breath hitches again in my throat as the ice spreads faster.

“Don’t tell anyone,” I whine so quiet I wonder if Wanda heard me. She nods, though and I lean against the window. “Now, you know why I’m so guilty all the time.”

“You don’t choose who you love,” Wanda comforts.

“But, he’s the dead wrong choice,” I argue back. “There’s someone who would be absolutely perfect. Everyone would be so proud.”

“Like Steve?” Wanda asks. I roll my eyes and fold my arms.

“Yeah,” I say. “He’s a much better choice and I kind of like him. He’s not going to try to kill everyone on the planet as well as the people I love. He won’t ever try to take advantage of me or… my father wouldn’t cringe every time he thinks about him.”

“Why do you love Loki?” Wanda asks. “He’s insensitivity and you just named some of the things he did to you.” I smile and sit next to Wanda.

“He’s sweet and he doesn’t care for much. He’s fiercely protective of the things that he loves and I know for a fact, he would die for me. He knows me so well, more than what everyone thinks and look what he did in the end. Doing one bad thing doesn’t make you a bad person, right?” Wanda is beginning to understand. “But, he’s also dead.”

Wanda chuckles, “Your timing is spot on.”

I laugh, “It’s true. I do think he’d be better left there. I mean the fact that he thought of me on his deathbed that says something doesn’t it?”

Wanda hesitantly nods. “Yes.”

“I want to leave him that way. Immortalized that way.” Wanda smiles.

“I’m sorry for going in your head,” Wanda apologizes.

“Mm… wait till I get ahold of Tony.”

 

After Wanda left, I went into my bathroom. For a while. I simply just stare at my reflection not saying a word. I looked the same.  Bright erratic, pale brown-gold eyes, wavy chocolate hair, flawless brown skin, and plump soft lips. I look at my palms, three lines run horizontally and my nails are still manicured, beautifully from my recent manicure with Natasha.

I decide to start running the shower to wash this morning’s hex off of me. How had I not noticed Wanda? Had I really been that distracted from Steve? If so, I’ve decided this will not be the case anymore. I’m done with men for the time being. Look at how much unnecessary drama they’ve brought to my life. Perhaps I’d be better suited for women. No… as much as I admire them, I am purely attracted to men. Strong, muscle ripped, courteous, good-willed, blue-eyed, blond men. I blink at my last thought.  Maybe I like Steve more than I thought.

I finally decide to enter the shower.  _ Mmm!  _ I love showers. They’re amazing and much better than having to run a bath or scrub down. Another good is their thought drowning ability. I can’t even hear whispers or  pick up senses. I let the steam run off any initial dirt and then scrub my arms, legs, stomach and everywhere around. I wash my hair and massage the shampoo into my scalp, moaning at the instant relief. I condition and shave off my leg hair. Once I went with Natasha to get waxed but was so horrified at the fact that the woman waxed hair in  _ all  _ places for a living. I rinsie again and step out of the shower and take my robe off its hook and wrap up. I pat dry my hair and grab my toothbrush. I begin brushing and exit the bathroom, in seconds, I notice Steve waiting for me.

“Uhm… hi,” I greet, uneasily. Steve’s face doesn’t change like he hasn’t acknowledged that fact that I just stepped out of the bathroom.

“Tony’s asking for you,” Steve says and goes to the door.

“Wait,” I hear myself saying. “What’s wrong?” Steve clicks his tongue and his eyes are sympathetically reading mine.

“Just come downstairs, Hava,” Steve mumbles. As he leaves the room, my heart slowly drifts behind him.

I get dressed quickly, deciding to go with some color since it was raining. I pull on a grey turtleneck with a pink fur-lined jean jacket and light colored jeans to match. I put on my black ankle booties and throw my hair into a bun on top of my head.

I walk downstairs and into the conference room. Tony is sitting with his arms folded at the end of the table. Wanda is to the right of him and Vision stands to her right, in some ridiculous peanut sweater. Sam stands in his normal civilian clothes. I didn’t notice earlier, but Steve is wearing the same clothes as last night, he has dark circles under his eyes; Tony is wearing the same clothes, too. Natasha is noticeably absent.

“Sit,” Tony orders. I follow his instructions carefully. Something is wrong. The room is dead quiet, not even a whisper or a murmur. “The Secretary was not very happy about your little trick last night.” I sgh, inwardly and relieved it didn’t have anything to do with this morning. “Havallah, I don’t know if I can keep this totally contained forever. All night, Steve, Nat and I went back and forth on you staying. Now, you are an amazing addition to this team and in Sokovia, without you, this world would be dust. But, the public and the Secretary canot get new Yorkk out of their heads.” Tony’s waiting for my reaction. I look at him and I know my eyes have darkened.

“Yeah,” I mutter. I don’t know what he expects. Nobody knows how guilty I am for that than Tony or this entire team!

Tony continues speaking, “The Secretary suggested that you return home and only return with Thor present,” Tony says, finally.  _ Go home  _ the words slither.

“You want me to go home?” I mumble.

“Well, then we made a good point that with you returning home, we wouldn’t be able to guarantee that you’ll always be on our side. So then he said you need restrictions. A lot of them.”

I’m almost too afraid to ask. “What type of restrictions?” Steve clears his throat and nods for Tony to go on. Apparently, his face said he didn’t.

“No more flying,” Tony starts. Ugh. “And with Vision around, the mind stone can block people’s thoughts. He’ll be around full time now…”

“He’s going to block the entire world?” Humans can be so idiotic.

“No, just us and other important officials and leaders,” Tony says. “You’ll only use your powers when granted.”

“Granted?” I ask for clarification. Steve leans off the wall and tightens his arms and glared at Tony. “When the State says so.” He bites, but not at me. At Tony. I give him a concerned looking, hoping he’ll calm his anger. Although, I can’t read minds, his body language suggests wanting to punch Tony in the face. And I’ll admit, I want to too. But, this is not Tony’s fault.

“Also, you will not be used unless absolutely necessary,” Tony adds, breaking the glare with Steve. “No more missions with any danger that requires your abilities.” I stare at him with unblinking eyes and my shoulders aren’t moving. Like I want silly Earth air right now! “Hava, say something.”

I don’t answer. I’ve never felt like this before. I could just die right now, I may actually want to die. “Can I have a minute?” He knows what I’m referring to.

“One.”

I burst outside, gasping for air and the voices. Several fill my head and the rain wets down my hair and jacket. I take off my jacket off and throw it under the awning. I float into the air and lay on my back. The rain washes away some pain and any tears falling from my eyes into the mud. I suppose that if I’m to live on Earth with the humans, I must live amongst them. I want to make one round trip of it, before I am confined to it.


	5. Chapter 5

“Maybe you should try college,” Sam suggests, a month later in the early morning. I take a bitter bite of my cinnamon toast crunch.

“No, thanks,” I reply after swallowing. Ugh, the thought of being back in school. Plus, I’m not very good at talking to other kids my age. Technically, people my age are dead, but other twenty year olds…yeah that’ll go well.

“What about a job?” Sam tries.

“Flipping burgers at that golden arches place?” I respond. He can tell by the tone of my voice I am not amused.

“Or an actual job,” Sam says.

“All which require college,” I say too. “It’s not that I don’t want to learn… it’s imagining me interacting with other twenty year olds?”

Sam stares and then replies, “Yeah, never mind.”

“Good morning, everybody,” Tony’s voice rings. He enters the kitchen, strolling between the island counter and the sink, where Sam and I are sitting. He smiles specifically at me. “How are you, Hava?” I narrow my eyes. Now he wants to mock me?

“What do you want?” I ask, quickly.

“I would like for you to pick up Peter,” Tony says and throws the keys to a car towards me. I don’t catch them and they plop on the seat next to me.

“Yeah, no,” I say. Sitting in traffic and having to drive, which nauseates me… nauseates me.

“You can take the quinjet,” Tony tries instead. Or me who can actually sprout wings and fly could sprout wings and fly! Oh wait, Toddy said no.

“No, I growl at him.

Over the past month, a lot has happened. Hank Pym now works alongside the Avengers research facility, adding new and functioning ideas. Scott, who Sam and I took down has been operating solo with Hank’s daughter. They think he’ll be training alongside the Avengers soon. But, I mean he gets to fly solo? No fair!

I stand up now dumping my dish in the sink and head to my room. I skip the last step, floating in mid-air and then landing. I throw open my door then collapse onto my bed. I look out the window and then at my bookshelf. I’ve been reading  _ The Hunger Games  _ lately and have grown completely infatuated with the whole series. I’ve even had so much time as to watch the movie.

I grab the book and read several pages before someone knocks on my door and it opens. It’s most likely Natasha, who never waits for my answer: Steve and Tony always do.

Natasha’s red hair pops in, “Hava.” She’s not happy. She was also upset at Toddy’s rudeness and aggression towards me. “What did I tell you about sassing Tony? He’s just trying to help.” Her voice is softer now.

I moan back at her and bookmark my page, “I’m clipped, Nat. I’m going to be upset for awhile.”

“’Remember who the real enemy is’,” Natasha smiles. I smile shyly and eye my book, of course Haymitch.

“Ha.” She’s right I shouldn’t be mad at Tony. He fought for me to stay and here I am staying. He’s on my side, which is something I shouldn’t forget.

“But, still you should go pick up Peter,” Natasha says. I roll my eyes.

“I hate cars, you know that,” I growl. “And the traffic will be hell and I can fly, why would I go drive a useless metal death trap that kills thousands of humans every day?”

Natasha shakes her head, furrowing her eyebrows deeply.

“Because I’ll take you,” Steve’s voice smiles, coming from behind her from her stance in the doorway. I moan quietly to myself. I’ve been avoiding Steve as best I can lately. I need to stay focused… but then again focusing on what?

“You don’t have to do that,” I protest. He just smiles, his stupid golden boy smile.

“I want to,” He says back. The way he says that makes my heart flutter straight into my ribcage. I bat my eyelashes to clear that thought. “And I can take you to Brooklyn while we’re at it.”

The car ride to New York from where we are is long. For a while, Steve insists on driving and I stare out the window. I know why everything in the past two hours has gone my way. Natasha helps me straighten my hair and even assists with my makeup, which consists of only mascara and tediously tweezing my eyebrows. We go through my closet and choose something that doesn’t scream “I hate my life”; this leaves me in a white jean jacket and a tiny cerulean tank top that has Tony’s arc reactor in the center of its chest. I insisted on some sort of choker to suggest I’m not totally hunky dory especially since I’m wearing Tony’s shirt, but Natasha said no; then forced some white slip on vans on my feet. As I was leaving Tony says I can take my time before retrieving Peter. I shake him off: the final nail in the coffin, as humans would say, is that Tony says he will allow a quinjet to pick us up and I can fly alongside but only for a minute. There’s bound to be a catch, but I might as well enjoy this while it lasts and finally, I get in the car.

Steve’s eyes are glued perfectly to the road. He’s humming and beating his thumb to the beat of the song on the steering wheel.

“I can drive for a while,” I offer. “We’re almost halfway there.”

“I’m good.” His eyes dart to me and I instinctively turn the radio up. I bob my head to the beat of the song, mumbling the words to myself. Unthinkingly, I watch the trees as they duck in and out of site. Blurs and masses of green and brown swirl by until Steve pulls over to a gas station. He gets out of the car, but then stops and leans down in his open doorway.

“Do you want anything?” He asks.

“Water and get some snacks,” I say. He smiles and walks off into the mini-mart.I sigh and lean my head back. I almost completely forgot the good about leaving the base. I would be able to hear again. I step out of the car and take a deep inhale of oxygen. Families arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat, laughing, gasoline and the smell of cigarette smoke? I glance over at the front of the station. Such a nasty habit. I wonder if that would’ve been helpful when I was still mourning. Alcohol had absolutely no effect, except for its tiny buzz after six bottles. Well, I suppose alcohol did bring back and then dull the memories of New York. Steve now walks out with a bag in one hand and receipt and keys in the other. He’s wearing a red hat and black aviator sunglasses. Now, I remember Natasha had told me to wear my own.

“I didn’t know what you liked,” Steve called out as he stepped closer and closer to the car. “I had a general idea, but still I got an assortment.” I laugh and then smile, “That’s fine.” Steve smiles back too and puts the bag into the backseat and begins to fill the car. I’m to put in an effort to make this better, but the amount of time in the car has my stomach rolling.

“Can you go back inside and get some beer?” I ask. Steve was already looking at me and now he blinks, surprised.  However, I have a feeling he knows exactly how serious I am.

“How about some whiskey too?” He replies, seriously. I blink surprised now.

“That works too,” I say. He goes back inside and another car pulls up. Loud, banging music and other twenty year olds. They hop out of their luxury sports car and immediately scope out my body.

“What’s up, mama?” One calls. I scoff. “What’s wrong? What problems could a girl like you possibly have?”

“Guys like you,” I spit. “Papi.” I add back in my best American accent. The guys frown and leave to go into the store. As they do, Steve exits, even going as so far to hold the door open. Ice crinkles around my fingernails and quickly, I try to suppress this anger or annoyance billowing in my chest. Why does he do that?

“Take care,” He adds, seemingly to just tick me off more. I growl under my breath as he steps down into the parking lot. He has a small smile on his face opens the back door of the black BMW, that’s what it is apparently. He sets the alcohol down and then takes the gas pump out and into its holder. “You good?” He must have noticed the scowl on my face.

“Humans,” I mutter back, pulling open the car door.

“Tell me about it,” Steve chuckles and follows.

“Let me drive,” I say. We’ve driven maybe two miles from the station and already I hold a half drunk beer in my hand.

“Hava, you’ve been drinking,” Steve says as if it means I can’t drive.

“So?” I reply. “Move over.” Steve pulls to the side of the road and gets out. I climb over the middle console and adjust the seat and wheel. I grab my beer and take another swig. He sits down and puffs while moving the seat back.

“Try not to hold that in your hand while you drive,” Steve grumbles. He clicks the seatbelt, but instead of doing mine I pull out onto the road and take off.

I do enjoy driving for a time. A time when I’m behind the wheel and I can go relatively fast. I do just this for fifteen miles when more cars appear on the road and I stop. I slow my breaks and put the beer into the cup holder. Steve’s drinking one too and takes another sip. His lips are extra red from being stretched and puckered over the glass mouth of the bottle. He notices I’m staring at him now.

“Havallah, do I need to drive?” Steve asks. I furrow my eyebrows. “You’ve been drinking.” He reminds. Another thing about alcohol, it definitely clouds things like a thin sheet. Sometimes the sheet is tinted with whatever mood I’m in. Red for anger, blue for sadness, pink for romance. The sheet, for now, was white. Everything just washed out except for Steve’s lips. His beautiful, swollen blush colored lips.

I press my foot on the gas and we pull forward. Pink spots cloud my vision.

“I can drive now,” Steve insists with force for the second time that day. Cutting in, he adds, “And you seem drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” I reply. I press on the gas again and we go for a second, even through the traffic. “I’m just… you’re a little distracting.”

Steve scoffs and then looks at me dangerously, “How?”  _ Damn it!  _ For weeks, I’ve been boy free or I mean man free. And he’s just infected me all over again with that tiny little word.

“Steve,” I bite back.  _ Wow!  _ Maybe, I really do need my world boy free. “You know how.”

He only challenges this with “How, Havallah?”

I am not submitting to his little game. I glance at him and find an opportunity to slam on my breaks. “You… know…how” I say trying to remain as calm and stable as possible. I’m glaring at him, but he just smiles.

“You are so stubborn,” Steve says, snapping from our mood. The pink fades and green surfaces.

“Excuse me?” I snap.

“Nothing,” Steve shrugs. I sigh, annoyed and continue down the road. What the fuck was that? He’s not usually like this… maybe it’s the alcohol? Silence passes between us and so do only three miles of traffic and Steve begins to talk again. I think he was thinking. “It’s because of him, isn’t?”

“What?” I respond. I’m trying to give him a chance to take back whatever it was he thinks he just said out loud.  I do not want to have this conversation with him right now or anywhere in the near future. The car stops.

“You still have feelings for Loki,” Steve states, matter-a-factly. I press on the pedal.

“No,” I say in response. “I’m sad that he’s dead, Steve, but I’m not in love with him.”

“So, who are you in love?”

“Why do I always need to be in love with someone?”

“You know I’m not good at this stuff, Hava. In fact, I know I’m pretty bad at it because I was sure what I was feeling for you, what I still am feeling for you… you were feeling for me, too.” Steve is looking at me with those dreamy pools of river-lakes and sky. I only allow myself a  peek, knowing that if I turned and looked at him: I would do something I regret. Damn, that was a pretty guilty peek.

“You’re not,” I reply, meaner than intended. He smiles, sadly.

“I’m sorry for what he did to you, Havallah. But I’m not out to hurt you and I’m pretty sure you know that.” He’s got me now. Guilt suddenly takes reign and my vision is not a murky sheet of any color, but clear… like ice.

“You’re a good guy, a painfully charming and sweet guy,” I say, choking.  Tears are forming and my nose is getting ticklish and tingly like I’m going to have to sneeze. “I’m not someone who deserves you, Steve. I am a monster, someone who could destroy this entire world if I just willed it. I’ve done horrible, awful things… ”

I’m interrupted because Steve’s lips are on mine. His hands wrap and cup my cheek and upper neck, pulling me deeper into him for a hungrier kiss. His tongue skims the inside of my mouth and my heart pounds against my chest, shaking the rest of my body. My hands are gripped onto the console.  I fear I’m still in shock by his actions and I’m unable to move anything. Everything except my mouth as I kiss him back. He suddenly all too soon draws his lips closed and looks at me. My breath shakily exits my lungs and moves through my throat getting caught in some places. I’m crying.

“Oh,” I let out.

“You’re not a monster, Havallah. You know that.” Steve wipes a tear sliding down my cheek.  “And you are perfectly deserving of love.” And he says it so sincerely that I almost believe him.


	6. Chapter 6

Humans. They all seem to have this uncanny ability to watch you move, hear you speak, know you and then bare down into your soul and figure out all your secrets. No matter if you spoke to them about it or not. Clint, before he retired, told me about Steve. He said he was part of an experiment one to better humankind and involved the human’s science. They created this serum, a super soldier serum that they injected into him that healed him of his other imperfections making him the perfect specimen. Maybe that’s why he’s better at these things at reading people and understanding them. Steve hasn’t actually told me that much about his childhood or anything about the experiment. I would never have guessed. He came out of a bottle. I think that’s something Tony said to him once because I remember hearing it from him. I guess with Wanda, it was different. She was working alongside HYDRA and abusing my gifts, my powers. There’s a yelling now, a slow-motion one that will not stop screaming.

“Havallah, slow down!” Steve barks. I slam the breaks and the tires screech and the car slides down the road some. His hand slams against the dashboard. “Hava!”

I pull the car over, ignoring anything else coming out of his mouth and get out of the car and stumble to the side of the road and vomit.  Steve gets out too and hesitates on whether or not he should be coming near me or not. I think I was holding back more tears and I drop to my knees as my cheeks get wet again. What the hell is wrong with me? My hands are clammy and my body is on fire. And I never vomit. I let out another sob and cover my mouth. Odin’s beard!

“Havallah,” Steve says, softly. Again, in that voice from just fifteen minutes ago. I’m still crying and I can’t even look up at him. Everything is just one huge blur.

“I’m sorry.” I barely manage to get out since my chest is heaving.

“Don’t apologize…”  Steve eases. He’s edging closer to me. “Give me your hand.” I put my hand in his. “You can squeeze as hard as you want. It’s okay.” I do as he said, but I also don’t want to break his fingers, so I barely give half strength. My breathing calms down and soon I can see again. I’m slouching in the green patchy grass right before you enter the woods. My vomit is barely anything, but to my left and Steve is on my right. “Has that happened to you before?”

Surprisingly, I can answer him. “Normally, when I feel like that-a little overwhelmed, I start drinking. Drinking a lot.” I stand up and Steve does too.

“Hang on, Hava,” Steve stops me from going anywhere else. “I’m sorry about springing this on you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t’ve,” I answer. If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have just- whatever the hell that was.

“I know and I- I’ll get Peter,” Steve says. “You can take a minute to yourself. Whatever that is.” Like flying. God, I would kill to fly right now! I listen for voices that might calm me, but instead, I hear the pounding of Steve’s heart. It’s a little faster than normal and it’s pounding so hard.

“It’s not that I don’t feel that way about you,” I say, turning to look at him. “Because I do. Maybe you’re right, maybe I’m not over him. Maybe I never will be. I don’t know… I’m not ready. For a while, I thought I was.”

Steve’s eyes look to the ground. He licks his lips and his heart is slowing down now.

“Okay, Hava,” Steve answers.

“I’m sorry,” I say. I feel tears again, I’m breaking his heart. “Steve, I really am sorry.”

He just shakes his head. “It is fine, Hava. It’s okay.” No, it’s not.

“No, Steve, please. You just- I want to make sure this doesn’t change anything,” I stumble over my words and towards him. He just steps back.

“Don’t do that,” Steve says. I stop now. His eyes have hardened looking similar to dark ice found only murky lakes. I have no idea what he’s referring to. “I don’t want your apology or… I care about you so much, Hava. You can’t even bother to care about yourself. I can’t save you from yourself.” He’s right. He knows I know he’s right. My eyes are realizing what he’s saying and a feeling of panic sets in and darkness onto my shoulders.

“Why are you saying this?” I ask.

“Tony was right. You need to go home, Hava,” Steve says.

“No… I’m not going home. I am home,” I plead. Steve shakes his head.

“You’re unhappy.”

“I can’t fly, I can’t do anything, Steve. It’s like being a bird. You clip its wings and it no longer sings.” Steve begins to understand. “Like a depression.” Oh. That’s how I feel. Depressed. He takes my hand. I look at it. It’s soft, but hard at the same time. It’s beautiful and so natural interlocked with mine. I have a sudden urge to wrap my arms around his neck.

“I’m talking to Tony,” Steve says. “This has gone on long enough.”

“Oh, please make sure he stays away from cats, he’s allergic,” May Parker, Peter’s aunt tells me. I nod. I’m seated on a teal colored couch and holding a cup of green tea. I take a sip and it’s piping hot.

“Y-you should really be telling this to Steve, I’m not the adult here,” I say.

“Well, Mr. Stark said you’d be picking Peter up, that you’d handle it,” May says. I blink at her and look at Steve, who’s coming back for another bag. He grabs it and nods at me and May.

“He’s just better at it, remembering it I mean. I’m not that responsible,” I blurt. May furrows her eyebrows. She hands me the papers anyways.

“Don’t worry, it’s just for a weekend right?” May asked. I nod. “It’s so nice for Peter to be um…”

“Learning his abilities,” I smile and she nods.

. “Right…” May said. She squints at me through her glasses. “What do you do?”

“I’m like an angel,” I say, unsurely. It’s hard to describe exactly what I do.

“Mmm… you look familiar,” May said. I furrow my eyebrows. “Oh! You caught Sokovia! There was this viral video of you holding up that giant piece of land and stopping it from falling to the Earth!  You saved it!” I guess. I also helped destroy it three years prior to that. And I didn’t really catch it. It was falling fast and I panicked and went to hold it up, I almost died after because I exerted way too much strength and power.

“Oh, yeah,” I shrug.

“This really is good for Peter,” May smiles as she pours a glass of steaming tea and just takes a sip of it. Holy Hell! I take a sip of mine to try not be rude and it burns still. Steve comes back for the last bag and with him, Peter follows talking his ear off about something. Steve looks at me and smiles. “He’s cute.” I blink at her.

“I guess,” I say.

“He’s older that’s for sure, but I saw the two of you,” May smiles and takes another goddamn sip.  _ Damn!  _ “How old are you? Can’t be more than what nineteen?”

“Twenty, four months ago,” I tell her. She nods.

“Age is just a number,” May assures me. I chuckle and she starts to laugh too.

“I’m older than I look really,” I say. “I’m Asgardian.”

“Oh? Like Thor,” May says. She thinks for a second. Shit. I suck in my lips. “You’re Havallah the Angel, god I knew I- oh.” I set down the tea and fold my hands.

“I’m sorry,” I croak. May looks at me her eyes are sad.

“You were hypnotized or something?” May asked. I nod. “They said he raped you, you were sixteen and he took you from Asgard.” Dear, sweet Odin. My hands loosen.

_ “Hava, shh,” Loki whispered into my ear. It’s dark and smells wet. My body is pressed against the wall, it’s damp as well. The stone feels wrong against my naked breast and stomach. My hands are tied above my head. _

_ “Please, don’t do it,” I sob. Tears are falling down my cheeks. I squeeze my legs together as if to try to block him. “Please, Loki, please don’t do it.” _

_ “Hava, stop talking,” Loki orders. I let out a cry. My toes aren’t touching the ground and the rope around my ankles is digging in deeper. My hands hurt and behind my ear something throbs and burns. _

_ “Don’t take this from me, please,” I whimper. “They’ve taken everything, please don’t let them take this.” _

_ “Havallah, I said shut up!” He yells. The chain around my hands tightens and I cry out in pain. He’s holding the reins of it and let’s go and I drop to the ground. All the air is knocked out of me and then I’m hoisted into the air and I struggle as my toes brush against the dirt floor. _

_ “He hesitates,” A voice slithers. Something suddenly wraps around my neck and it squeezes and I choke and gasp for air. _

_ “Havallah, please,” Loki pleads with me, _

_ “Don’t hurt me, please don’t do this!” I sob and gasp for more air. The rope around my hands tightens and the pain behind my ear worsens. I continue crying. Loki slowly lets go of the chain and I once again stand on my feet and turn to him. He looks at me sadly, his hair wiggled with waves. He puts a hand on my hip and moves the hair from the throbbing ear. _

_ “If I don’t do this, they’ll kill you,” Loki explains. I cried the entire time. _

“Havallah,” Steve says in front of me.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned it,” May said. “She barely knows me.” Steve shakes me slightly but gets no reaction. I stare at the floor.

“What exactly did you say?” Steve asks. May looks at Peter.

“Go downstairs, Peter,” May says, patting his head. “We’ll meet you down there.” Peter reluctantly exits the room. Steve folds his arms and tries not to glare. “Loki, the man that tried to destroy New York. I mentioned some things about him.”

“Like what?” Steve asks, unsure if he really wants to know.

“They just released some statements from the Battle of New York, from his proceedings when he was asked about Havallah and her involvement. He explained how he had broken her down. They asked how and he said he raped her.” Steve stares at her, bewildered. He blinks his eyes and looks back at me. I’m still staring, lost in the most recent memory that just resurfaced. I want to look at him and speak, but I’m completely paralyzed. “A doctor explained how she may not remember or it’s suppressed. Something like that and they shouldn’t mention it to her during her own proceedings, I thought she would have known by now that that’s why they released it to the public.”

“Havallah,” Steve says. I don’t answer. He takes a deep breath. “Forgive me for this.” He takes a hand and is about to slap it across my face and May gasps. Before it can, on instinct I grab it and squeeze his fingers cracks. He lets out a moan of pain and I let go.

“Steve,” I breathe. “Thank you.”

“He was about to slap you!” May calls out.

“It’s a technique. I- my body instantly to reacts to it. I was kind of a paralyzed by a memory so… it happened a lot during the trial actually.” I stand up and Steve is wincing. “I’ll make sure stays away from cats.” I pick up the paper and go down the stairs leaving them.

I get into the car while Peter and Steve say final goodbyes and Steve gets into the car.

“Havallah,” He says, putting a hand on the head of my chair. My head is against the window and my cheeks are wet. I’m in the backseat with my knees in my stomach. He moves closer. I respond with a sob. “I’m so sorry.” I turn and wrap my arms around his neck and he hugs me back, pulling me closer to him. I sob into his shoulder. “You should’ve been able to kill him.” I sob again into his shoulder. He pulls out of the hug and puts a hand on my cheeks. “I am so sorry, Hava. God, this pisses me off.” I giggle a little.

“How’s your hand?” I ask, sniffling. I take it into my hand. It’s turning it purple. “You need a hospital.  I can’t concentrate long enough to try to rebuild the damage.”

“It’s okay,” He says. He groans at the pain. “I’m sorry to ask you, but can you drive?”

I smile and laugh. “I thought you’d never ask.”

“Hava,” Steve says. I put a hand on his face and give him a strong smile.

“Go, get Peter. I’ll drive.”

 

“How could you not tell her?” Steve asks, later in the day. It’s about 5pm and when we arrived at the landing pad Wanda was waiting for us. I think she wanted some more tips and pointers; I was in no mood to fly or even think as much, but I did anyways. I didn’t want Steve to think that all of the sudden I was spiraling. I’m not, I’m just confused. My parents, as I should call them since they like to control every little thing I do are situated around the room differently. Tony is rubbing his temples, annoyed with Steve and his pestering. Vision is in the corner trying his best to mask Tony’s head and Toddy’s. God damn, Thaddeus Ross sits next to Tony on the living couch the same color as insane asylum gray. The trees as I can see through the big glass windows are swaying back in forth with the breeze outside. That breeze made good practice whether for Wanda. Natasha is chewing on her fingernail something she does when she’s nervous, paranoid or… thinking. She’s next to these ginormous window panes watching the grass. My hands are folded and for once I feel oddly at peace.

“Steve, doctors said not to tell her. Something about unlocking memories her brain had chosen to ignore,” Toddy defends since Tony is about ready to rip Steve’s head off. I hate it when those two clash, only because I know they both care and they really are doing their true best. Steve shakes his head and sits down next to me. His hand, the right, is wrapped in white bandages and less swollen than it was a few hours ago. 

“Why release the information to the public then?” Steve asks. His wrapped hand is resting on his onyx jeans. His other hand on the couch cushions behind me. I’m sitting straight up listening to them argue. 

“People wanted to know. They aren’t as willingly trustful as they once were,” Tony says. “I argued for any other documents, but the rest were too much. These statements would also paint Havallah as someone the American people can come to love.”

“That’s what she cares about, isn’t it?” Toddy says. I look at him now, narrowing my eyes. Like he knows what I want or care about. “She wants the people to like her. This is what it takes.” I chuckle. He’s trying to manipulate me. The girl who could rip him to pieces he treats like some child. I have nothing to say, except that he disgusts me. 

I look down at my nails now, ice. The ice has always been something I hate. The way I got it, the way it accumulates to protect its host. And the ice hates Toddy. When the ice starts kicking in, it starts to build up under my nails and then turn my finger tips to literal ice and then the power’s there. It’s sort of painful, really. I remember when I was infected I thought it was from staying in Jotunheim to long, but to learn that the key to to the bifrost was slipped onto my finger as some sort of drug mule so it could get back to Asgard without detection is another thing that disgusts me. But, the bifrost, this strange icey magic liked me and how powerful its new food source was and would not budge off my finger until I was being tortured. They cut off my finger to finally get it off. But, the ring was empty and I had already absorbed it. The ice is not fading. It’s also very stubborn. Sometimes if I take a match and light it under my hand, the ice resorts back to its keep place wherever that is. I look around the room for a lighter, but I don’t see any and now my entire nail is ice. 

“Do you have a light?” I ask. Natasha’s head whips towards me and I guess the men were talking because it seems I interrupted them. Tony reaches into his pocket and takes out a tiny igniter. Steve gives him a concerned look.

“I just came from the lab,” Tony argues. Lie. I don’t say anything and take the light and hold the button and give it about two inches between my palm and the fire. The ice fades. They watch confused, except for Natasha of course. I put the light back on the table and don’t explain.

“What was that?” Toddy asks. I’m being rude I now realize. 

“I was cold,” I shrug. Toddy looks at Tony, with a what the fuck look and I try not to smirk. 

“It’s the ice,” Natasha calls out. “It builds up from time to time and fire causes it to go away.” Steve rubs his eyes, tired from this long day. 

“We’re not going to get anywhere today,” Steve says as he lifts from the couch. My eyes follow him and then meet on his eyes. “Hava, come on.” I furrow my eyebrows at him. I don’t think he has enough energy or focus to continue talking to the Secretary and Tony. I think he wanted them to lift the bans that somehow them sharing something horrible that happened to me with the world would make them realize what assholes they’ve been being. But, no. He scrunches his eyebrows at me too. He doesn’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. He offers his hand and I take it, but when he goes to pull me up. I don’t move and he stays put because my grip is like concrete.

“Hava,” Steve murmurs, annoyed.

“Listen, I understand where you’re coming from,” I say. I have no idea where this going, but I hope I find my way while I’m going. Like when I fly into the air and just follow the birds or let the wind kind of guide me. “But, I am hopelessly bored here and I need something to do. Some sort of a purpose that helps me better mankind. I’m a huge asset and I would like to be used.” They’re still staring. I think it’s because it sounds very adult-like- more human-like. “Or I’m leaving.”

“What?” Tony snaps. Natasha’s looking at me, a little bit proud and knowing I’m being serious, she’s a little sad.

“I’ll know there’s nothing here for me,” I say and stand up. Steve is looking at me with a small smirk and now that my grip is loose. He intertwined our fingers. Toddy is staring at her hands, enclosed together. He looks at me now and my eyes lock with his. “So, make it happen.”  _ Damn!  _ And then I turn and walk out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would just like to say that this chapter does have some somewhat forced oral sex so... just a little warning

“I’m glad you were able to do that,” Steve tells me. We walk hand in hand next to the glass walls while we make our way back to the residency of the facility. Peter is still here and I’m sure he’s sick of Sam and Wanda by now, who have probably finished showing him the basics of the kitchen and the rooms and all. 

“Me too,” I smile and keep walking and look at his hand. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Uh… no,” Steve shrugs, looking at his hand. 

“Good,” I say again. Steve looks as if he has something very important to say, but he’s interrupted by Toddy’s panting as he catches up with us. That was a quick decision.

“Havallah,” Toddy says, bowing his head. “As you know, I don’t make these decisions by myself, but you’re of a foreign entity which is why I’ve been the one communicating with you. However, ultimately decisions regarding your stay are a lot of time made by the President and lucky for you, he would like to meet with you immediately. I’ve classified this as urgent.”

I look at Steve. I’ve heard that word a lot and I assume that he’s important. But, still I am very confused, but I just sounded so adult like that I nod. “I would love that, Secretary.” 

 

I go to my room after dinner with Natasha because she insists that I will need her help when choosing an outfit to meet the President in. Steve and Tony agreed to come with me tomorrow and I said I would only go if I was allowed to fly and Tony agreed.

“It seems you have learned a couple of things while living here,” Natasha sighs, sifting through my closet. 

“Oh, like what?” I ask, looking through my shoes. I think that I should remain short so I get out black and white pinned vans. 

“Social cues. You recognized that you have a certain amount of power in this whole situation. The government can’t just put a bullet in your skull if you don’t coporate, you can just leave and then you were right, they’d be losing their biggest asset. If anything they should be trying to win you over, but since New York, you’ve been trying to impress them and they’ve noticed and know exactly how to-” Natasha stops and sighs. “You’re just learning how to hold your own without even using your powers.”

“Something you have been trying to teach me for years.” I move to stand next to her and dig through the closet. “Have you ever been searching? I’m just gonna wear what I normally wear.”

“This is the President, Hava,” Natasha reminds. 

“Right…” I sigh. Still don’t know what that means. “Like business casual?”

“Yes,” Natasha says. “I could go with you you know. Tony doesn’t need to be there.”

“It’s okay and Steve’s coming with me,” I shrug. Natasha smirks and turns her head to look at me.

“Tell me about that, by the way,” Natasha urges. She takes out a sports coat and puts it on my bed. I frown at the coat and then look back at her. I lick my lips and go to my closet and look for a blouse. I am not telling her about Steve. I don't even know what's going on with Steve.   
“There's nothing to tell,” I say. I pull out a pink flowered black top that has a zipper in the front. It's tinier than I'd like it I can't exactly remember where and when I got this, but it's something I have never worn before. I pull off the tank-top I have on now and unclip my bra and then zip up the other top. “I like this one.” Natasha shakes her head.  
“Havallah, this isn't a joke,” Natasha said. “Let's get something that doesn't show your belly button.”

“I'll wear the sports coat and then those high raised black pants, it'll work,” I urge and cower through my dresser. She walks next to me and looks too. 

“You didn't tell me about Steve,” Natasha said, pulling out the pants. She puts them on my bed. “Tell me what happened between you two.”

“He- Natasha, I don't want to talk about,” I snap. Natasha's eyes turn down and she sighs.

“Did something bad happen?” Natasha asked. “You've had a hell of a day and I want to make sure you're okay, Hava.” Natasha does this and takes my hand, she rubs her thumb over the outside of it. 

“I need something to focus on that doesn't involve Steve or Loki or my dad. I need it to be about helping humanity and I have been so caught up in my own things that I forget the reason why I stayed here. It was not to fall in love with an amazing, gentleman or to get into squabbles with Sam over breakfast, it was to help the world that I abandoned years ago, my problem, my fixing,” I say. Natasha nods.

“Okay,” Natasha says. She opens her arms and I walk into them and we rejoice in a hug. Natasha is like the sister I always wanted and more like my mother than my own was, but still I consider Frigga to be my mother. Natasha is like my older sister/aunt, maybe one day I'll realize how much work she actually puts into helping me.  
  
The next morning, I wake up at 7am in time to take a shower, brush my teeth and put on some mascara. I get dressed and look through the different shoes Natasha and I had looked at the night before. She had suggested black, glossy stilettos and I was begging her to let me wear flats. When they took my measurements back when I was sixteen, they considered me to be underweight. I was five foot nine and one hundred and twenty pounds. The doctors explained that if I was truly kidnapped and tortured, I was probably malnourished. Thor then suggested that I return home immediately and get better, but I insisted on staying. They put me on a strict diet, vegetables and protein. Bread twice a week, rice every other day, and absolutely no sweets. I gained some muscle after that and it made them happy, still I didn't gain that much weight. I found it a little silly that they were all so caught up in how much I weighed. I was immortal, weight is different everywhere. On another planet, I could weigh a thousand pounds and they would proclaim I weighed too much! They let up on the diet about a year later and then Tony took me to an ice cream parlour and we got amazing cones. I like those memories with Tony. All the times he forced me to watch human movies, listen to his music with him while he worked on his suits, took me to different places whenever he'd go on a trip: I miss those. I sit on my bed and put the heels on, they're only about four inches because Natasha let up for once and I stand up and check the clock. It's 8:30am. Tony said we'd be leaving at 8:45, so I practice walking in the hells and remember all of what Natasha's told me. I go back into the bathroom and apply some chapstick and run my brush through my hair. I took the time to straighten it and give little flicks to the end. I stand up a little straighter and rack my brain. President... president... What was his name again? Martin... no. Matis?

“Hava!” Tony says, opening the door. I look at him.

“I'm coming,” I say and follow him out of the door. We walk down the stairs of the facility and Peter is practically bouncing. “What's got him so happy?”

“He's coming too,” Tony said. “Apparently, this is some field trip you can sign up for now.” I smile and reach the bottom of the stairs. Steve is in a suit too. Vision stands waiting. I don't know why I didn't expect him to come with us.

“Good morning, Peter,” I greet.  
“Morning, Hava,” Peter said. “Are you excited?”  
“Sure,” I shrug. I finally look at Steve and a painful flutter flickers in my chest. His eyes are smiley at me and are intoxicatingly warm. “How's your hand?”  
“The same as yesterday, Hava,” Steve tells me. I roll my eyes and take his free hand. He squeezes it. We begin walking to the garage.   
“Can I ask you something?” I mumble as we stroll along. He looks over at Peter and Tony and then at me.  
“Yes,” Steve replies. I bite on my lip.  
“What does a president do exactly?” I ask. He smiles and starts to chuckle.  
“Let's just get you there and you can find out,” He says. My lips form a pout. He thought I was joking. I force a laugh. God, I wish I was.  
  
I decided not to fly on my way to D.C.. I  feel as if I spent to much time on my hair and it's foggy and cloudy. Tony says that there might be thunderstorm later on. We land in front a humongous white I assume, house. The quinjet's ramp opens up and standing there waiting for us is Thaddeus and someone else. She's a woman with brunette hair, older eyes and she's wearing a purple dress.   
“Mrs. Ellis,” Tony smiles. “I had no idea you were going to be greeting us, if I had I may have cleaned up a little bit more.” I furrow my eyebrows and stand up and tighten my suit coat.   
“Who is that?” I mutter to Peter. Peter looks at me and shakes his head.  
“The First Lady,” Peter responds. I nod like I know what that is. Steve picks up on this and takes my other side.  
“The President's wife,” Steve said. I nod and Steve escorts me down the ramp.  
“And you must be Havallah,” Mrs. Ellis says. I give a polite smile. I have no idea what i should call her. Another title, another silly hu that makes absolutely no sense. I stare at her.  
“Hava,” Steve mumbles. I open my mouth.  
“Ma'am,” I get out. She stares back at me and looks at Tony and Thaddeus.  
“She doesn't know what a First Lady is, does she?” Mrs. Ellis says to Toddy. She doesn't seem happy.  
“I'm sorry, there's a lot of titles, I don't remember all of them,” I say, quickly. Mrs. Ellis smiles.  
“You get a pass, you're right there are a lot of ridiculous titles,” Mrs. Ellis jokes. “Mrs. Ellis is fine. I don't suppose from where you're from you have a title?”  
“Great Angel Havallah, of Asgard,” I tell her. Steve looks at me, I've said that about once and I think him and Tony forgot. “But, Havallah is fine. I mean Thor's technically a prince, but he's just Thor.”  
“Oh,” Mrs. Ellis smiled. “Well, my husband is waiting for you all to greet him his office-”  
“We're going to the Oval?” Peter exclaimed. We all turn and look at him. “That is so awesome!” I smile at Peter's giddiness and we make our way into the building. We walk through halls and people turn and gawk and stare. We reach a tiny room and a woman behind the desk stands.   
“Mrs. Ellis,” The woman greets. She sees Toddy, Tony, Steve, me and Peter. “Mr. Secretary, Mr. Stark, Captain,... Havallah, and...”  
“He doesn't matter,” Tony said.   
“Can we go in?” Mrs. Ellis asks, directly after Tony's question. The woman nods and Toddy opens the door and leads us inside. The President, I assume, turns around in his chair and smiles at us all.  
“Tony,” He smiles, standing up. He and Tony shake hands.  
“It's nice to see you, Mr. President,” Tony greets. “Alive and well.” The President laughs and then he gives a salute to Steve. Steve is taken aback a little bit, I don't think he remembers the last time someone actually saluted to him.   
“Captain,” The President says.   
“Mr. President,” Steve says. Odin's Beard, so much greeting! He comes to me.  
“And you must be Havallah,” The President says. I once again give a polite political smile, one I don't mean.  
“Mr. President,” I say. He smiles at my voice and is baffled by my eyes.   
“It's nice to finally meet you,” He says. I blink my eyes now, so maybe he'll break the stare and look at the floor. Now, I feel incredibly stupid for insisting on the crop top. The President finally turns to Peter. “And you are...”  
“Peter Parker, sir, I just wanted a picture,” Peter says, holding his phone.  
“Let's do one then,” The President smiles and him and Peter get ready for the picture. While they do this, I turn to Steve.  
“Did he look at me funny?” I ask, quietly. Steve looked past me and then behind his shoulder as Tony says bye to the First Lady.  
“You're a handful to look at, Havallah,” Steve whispers. I don't follow.  
“What do you mean?”  
“You're exceedingly beautiful and it can be intimidating and your eyes swirl, it's a lot for someone who's never met you,” Steve says. I clear my throat and look down at my chest. I tried my best not to look sexy, maybe it's the damn shoes.  
“I feel so stupid,” I mutter.  
“Why?” Steve asks.  
“I'm not wearing a full shirt, I insisted on this stupid top and Natasha tried to warn me-” I begin, but Steve starts to laugh.  
“That wouldn't have helped, Havallah,” Steve says. “Even if you wore a plastic garbage bag-”  
“I just don't like the way he looked at me,” I snap. Steve blinks and licks his lips. “And is that all you mortals ever think about? Sex? There are bigger things going on in this world! Shit, the entire universe that you should be worrying about and all anyone can ever think about is 'Oh, how I would love to bend her over that desk-'”  
“Havallah,” Steve says. I close my mouth and look around the room. Tony, Thaddeus, and Peter are on their way out. Which means Vision is gone. I heard his mind and I didn't even realize. “We can talk later.” Steve reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Don't screw this up.” I scoff at him and he turns and says bye to the President as well. I turn towards him and try to reach Vision.  
_Vision! For the love of machinery, please block out the President's mind_  I say to him. He must be on the other side of the door. But, even then I can still reach him from pretty far.  
_The President, specifically requested that I stop my blocking. He doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable. He wants you at your element._  
_I could give a shit about my element! Block him, please! Does he not realize that I can see everything and it's been so long since I've been one on one with a person whose thoughts aren't masked by you or themselves-_ __  
I'm interrupted from my mental screaming because the President is ushering me to sit down on his couch. I sit and try to shuffle my jacket so it covers my chest. Normally, I could care less about men sexualizing me. When I was in Asgard, there were plenty of men- too many men- who asked for my hand in marriage every chance they got. To me, to my father, to Frigga, even Odin at times. My father, despite who they were always declined and said I would choose myself. But, then Sif reminded me that I don't need some stupid, husband who will only drag me down and besides, these men would drive me insane she said. Then, even the cute ones, I turned down.  
“I'm sorry that we have had to prolong our meeting for so long,” The President says.  
“Oh, that's alright,” I say. It's quite alright.  
“I also apologize for the shortcomings of our gratitude to you and for what you've done for the country. We haven't been outstanding hosts or diplomats for that matter,” The President says. Maybe I judged him too quickly. It's not like he said I was a hot piece of ass, he just thought it.  
I nod, a little. The President leans forward.  
“And we accept your terms. We should be using you more often,” The President assures. I raise an eyebrow and give a small smile as I take in his words.  
“Why did it take me to demand this? You're smart, aren't you? Why didn't you figure that out in the first place?” I ask. The President chuckles, nervously.  
“We're human, aren't we? We're scared of things we don't understand and can't control. You were and still are those things and we're now extending a hand and level of trust to you,” the President goes on.   
“I understand,” I nod. The President smiles.  
“Good, now we get on to the fun part,” the President says. He stands up and goes to some liquid by his desk and pours a glass. “How old are you again?”  
“Twenty,” I answer. He just shrugs.  
“Well, then don't tell anyone I'm giving you this,” the President says and comes over with two glasses of white liquid. He gives one to me and I sniff it. Sour. “To new relations.” I nod and we clink glasses. I take the whole thing in one gulp and the President stares at me.  
“Alcohol here has zero effect on me,” I say. “But, I can still feel that burn.” The President laughs and takes a sip of his glass, wincing a little. It does burn.   
“So, in Asgard what exactly were you doing?” the President asks.  
“I was in school still,” I respond. “I was training alongside the Lady Sif and Warriors Three, sometimes even Thor. She wanted me to be as good as she is.”  
“Like a sister?” the President says.  
“Like a cousin,” I say. He takes a sip of his drink again. “Can I be frank with you?”  
“Of course,” the President says.  
“What exactly do you do here that lets you drink on the job?” I ask him. He chuckles and then it turns into a mighty roar, I only stare at him still. Is he drunk already?  
“A lot of things, sweetheart,” the President gets out. He sits back in his chair and sighs. “This is good stuff. More?”  
“Why not?” I shrug. I give him my glass and he refills it. I take only a sip now. He's tipped off his glass too and takes a big gulp. “Hard day?”  
“Everyday is hard, angel cake,” He says. I chuckle a little and look at the carpet. He is drunk. Maybe I should call Tony back in or his wife.  
“Are you okay, Mr. President?” I answer. He stands up and towers over me.  
“You're very pretty,” He says, smoothing back my hair. My mouth forms a small “o”.Odin's beard! “Irresistible really and look at those pretty lips.” I close my mouth and glance at my hands. The ice isn't creeping so perhaps he really is harmless. He drinks the rest of his glass and puts it on the end table beside me, that is also holding a lamp and I debate on whether or not I should hit him with it. But, he also is deciding if I stay or not, I can't hurl a lamp at him... no matter if he deserves it or not.   
“Mr. President,” I scold. He puts a hand on his belt and begins to unbuckle it. I gulp.  
“Such beautiful eyes,” He says, putting a hand on my chin and pulls me so I look at him. His eyes are not that focused on me and he's completely inebriated. “I want to see those looking back at me. Take them off.” I think he refers to his pants and I look at them, I'm face to face with his crotch. I chuckle, nervously.  
“Mr. President,” I begin. “I don't think-”  
“Don't think, just do,” the President responds, pulling his hand through my hair. 

Then, suddenly a man dressed in black bursts through the windows of his office. In nanoseconds, I jump up and push the President to the floor and a storm of bullets hit my chest, but they just crumble and fall to the floor. More men come through the broken window and a knife hurls at my skin, it blunts into my shoulder digging into my bone and an icicle shard (now the ice recognizes danger!) is in my hand and I throw it straight into one of these men's chest. He falls back and more come in through another door. They try to get to the President, but I stand in front of him and kick him into the other door and the room where I hope Vision awaits. Four men run towards me all throwing punches and I spin into the air kicking one to the ground and land on his chest. I jump throwing an arm around one's neck and flip around, cracking it and elbow another coming towards me. I drop the dead man's (sorry, Phillip!) body and now with an ice spear in my hand, I nail one guy and slam his head into the couch's side. I take off the stupid jacket. Then, I throw the spear to the guy at my right. More men keep coming and I feel my hands bursting with energy, I hit one square in the chest and he goes flying out where he came. Another comes towards me and remembering the damn knife in my collarbone, I rip it out and slash it across his face while jumping and hitting him with my heel. Floating in the air, I dart the knife through someone's torso into another's stomach. The men are retreating without the President, but burning with curiosity as their jet retreats off the front lawn of the building, I run out and through the grass.   
My heels sink and I groan. “Damn it, Natasha!” I slip off the heels and jump onto the jet and force it back into the street. People run different ways as the twenty-foot long jet crashes into the pavement. There are men now running from each side and I don't know what side they're on, but they're instructing people to move back and I assume they're with the government. Vision lands next to me.   
“Good job,” Vision smiles at me. I look at him and groan at the pain in my shoulder, it hasn't stopped bleeding. I hear a low beeping.  
“Do you hear that?” I ask. Vision stops smiling and hears the frequency. “Odin's Beard! Move! Move back!” I start yelling at the people. They do what I say and I point my hands at the wreckage and white energy starts to cover it and I float in the air. Vision does too and uses some of the stone's power to strengthen mine. The people start going back and in seconds like I thought an explosion sounds. The blast sends even me back and I slam into the gate, a piece of it puncturing my back. I wince and Vision is by my side in seconds.   
“Havallah, where are you injured?” Vision asked. I suck in a breath as Steve, Tony and Peter crowd me. Steve kneels next to me and looks at the gate in my back. He furrowed his eyebrows.   
“What the hell?” He mutters. He looks at my shoulder and then Tony. “Put pressure on her shoulder.” Tony does in reaction, I cry out in pain at that. There's blood on his hands and Steve is still looking at my back. “Hava, keep your breathing steady.” The people are watching as none of them were hurt and this hurts like a bitch. My head is throbbing and I try to slow my breathing. Paramedics run towards me. “I don't know how far this is wedged in her back.”  
“It's pretty damn far, Steve,” I get out, it's rubbing against my back ribs, scraping at the bone. “My lower rib, a little bit father and it'd be my lung.” Steve blinks at me. One of the paramedics puts an oxygen mask over my mouth. I exhale, the air getting caught in my throat and lean into the metal pieces. A paramedic takes over for Tony.   
“She says there's a piece of the gate rubbing against her lower ribs. I don't think we should move her,” Steve says.   
“She's still awake and conscious?” The paramedic responds.   
“She's Asgardian,” Vision responds. The paramedic I think recognizes who I am now.  
“How did she wedge herself on the gate?” He asks. “She's like immortal or something, right?”  
“Well, yes,” Vision responds. “That's a good question.” _That's a pretty stupid fucking question! Obviously!_  
“There's a gate in my fucking rib, can you please get it out!” I mumble through the mask. My head is getting lighter way, lighter and my eyes start to close. The last thing I hear is Steve and Tony yelling my name and begging me to stay awake and the air rushing out of my right lung.


	8. Chapter 8

_“Mama,” I call out and run into her arms. Her arms wrap around me and lift me into her hips._ _  
__“My little sweet cake,” She whispered. “I have something for you.”_ _  
__“A present?” I asked her. She nodded and sat me on the sofa. Out of the pocket of her flowing lilac gown, she took out a necklace. It had a gold chain and in the middle of the chain was a glowing white stone. “Pretty!”_ _  
___“Yes, for a very pretty girl,” she said. “Don't take you ever take it off, let it remind you of me.” And I put it on. And the next morning, she was gone.  
  
The first thing I hear is Natasha's voice. She's repeating my name over and over and something is over my mouth. My hand reaches up to touch it and it's some sort of plastic. Someone's gentle hand, but being very mean by doing this moves mine back to the sheets. Beeping also rings in my ears and then suddenly I'm pushed towards a light. My eyes finally awake to see Natasha looking at me extremely concerned and Steve as he smiles at me. I squeeze my eyes shut and move the oxygen mask off of my face. Steve sits up from his chair and using his still injured hand moves mine.  
“You need it,” Steve says. I moan back at him and look at Natasha. She smiles finally and squeezes my hand.  
“You had us worried for a second,” Natasha says. I roll my head to the left towards Steve and then again to the right. My head feels insanely heavy. “Are you in pain?” Funny. I roll my head quicker. It feels like I'm under an enormous amount of pressure like my body is being weighed down by lead. The swishing doors open and Tony steps in, sighing relieved. I shudder again under the mask and both of my hands rip it off my face and I take in an actual breath of oxygen. Voices swirl and I feel a tiny bit better. They're taken aback.   
“What was that?” I breathe out.   
“Oxygen,” Natasha answers, looking at the machine. “Well, artificial oxygen.”  
“I couldn't really breath,” I whisper. Steve chuckles and stands up, smoothing my hair, I wince and meet his eyes. He's not smiling and sees what he just did has... scared me.  
“What is it?” Steve asks, moving his hand to the top of the bed.   
“Nothing, I'm just jumpy,” I lie. He looks at Tony and then back at me.  
“What is it, Hava?” Steve asks.   
“Nothing,” I say and shift in the bed and immediately a sharp pain shoots through my shoulder. Damn knife.   
“Careful, it's only been a couple hours,” Natasha tells me. We're not at the base, we must be in the closest hospital to the scene.  
“How's the President?” I ask.  
“The poison wore off and he's waiting to see you,” Tony says.   
“I don't want to see him,” I decline. “I'm kind of tired, actually.”  
“Hava, we know what happened,” Natasha says. Steve clears his throat, uncomfortably. I look at the sheets.  
“Oh,” I say. “Did you say poison?”  
“A blend of different venoms, it makes you disoriented and totally shit faced in just one drop, that's why you weren't completely at your best,” Tony said. The ice and the damn knives. “It'll take a second to leave your system, but when it does you'll feel better.”  
“Who was that? That tried to kill him or whatever?” I ask.   
“It looks like one of HYDRA's, but they're better at that and thanks to Steve and Natasha, they're almost completely off the map,” Tony said. “There was no way they were anticipating you would be there.”  
“Let's hope they didn't get any of my DNA,” I say. “You have to dispose of that.”  
“Already done,” Natasha smiled, patting my cheek. I smile at her and relax into the pillow.   
“I want out of the bed,” I moan.   
“Hava, I don't think you want that,” Steve says, now. I look at him and smirk.  
“Why?” I ask him. Steve smiles back to my flirtiness.   
“Your lung collapsed,” Tony says, dryly, sending a somewhat dirty look to Steve. “And your shoulder blade has a hole in it.” I roll my eyes.  
“Go get your president,” I say. “Can you go with him too, Natasha?” Natasha grins and ushers Tony out of the room and Steve sits on the bed, taking my hand.  
“Good job out there,” He says, softly.  
“Please give me something harder. Like a falling piece of Earth,” I say. He leans over and kisses my forehead.   
“How do you want to do this, Hava? You didn't want us involved,” Steve says. I lick my lips and sit up and lean forward.   
“I think we should take it slow,” I say. “I don't love Loki. I really care about you, though. And you know how to calm me down and you're a good man. And my father would be really proud.” He smiles, sweetly at me. I love his golden boy smile. I lean over and kiss him and his hurt hand cups my cheek again and his mouth open and mine too. His tongue was lingering on my lip when the sliding door opened again. I pull back and look to see Tony's head, thank the Heavens, was turned towards Toddy and the President and First Lady. The First Lady was holding white roses. Steve sucks in a breath and tries to look natural in the chair and I sit against the pillows of my bed.   
“How are you feeling?” The President says. I cock my head to the left.   
“Fine,” I answer. “Thank you. I hope not too much damage was done to your office.” I notice the President has two tiny bandages holding together a red line, a cut on his forehead. “I hope your head feels better.”  
“Thank you,” the President nods. The First Lady glances at her husband and comes in with the roses.  
“These are for you,” Mrs. Ellis smiles and sets them next to the bed.   
“Thank you, they're... gorgeous,” I say, trying to refrain from the word “beautiful”, I suddenly hate it.   
“From the White House garden,” Mrs. Ellis says. She clears her throat and looks at Thaddeus.   
“Havallah, I hope you feel better. We'll talk more soon,” Toddy says. “And... thank you for your service.” Toddy and the First Lady exit.  
“You all wouldn't mind if I… talked to her alone, would you?” the President asks. Tony shakes his head and begins to leave and looks at Steve, who's not as willing to get up.  
“Steve,” I mutter. He sighs, giving me a warm glance and leaves the room. The President sits down in the chair, I presume Natasha's been sitting in while waiting for me.   
“I would just like to say how truly sorry I am for my behavior,” the President begins. “I can't imagine the sort of discomfort you were in and then you save my life and the life of those civilians right after, I truly owe you.”  
“It's alright,” I smile. “I wouldn't like to be face to face with your crotch again if that's okay, but you couldn't help it, sir.” The President chuckles and I laugh too.  
“Please call me Matthew,” Matthew says. “You've been face to face with my penis, you should be able to call me by my name.”   
I nod. “And you've pulled my hair, please call me Hava, it's what everybody else calls me.”   
“Thank you for your extreme kindness and forgiveness,” Matthew says.  
“Well, I've had to ask forgiveness for worse. There's no point in making a fuss over something so small-” I say. I blink. “Not that me giving you oral sex is- not that your penis is, I wouldn't know- I'm sorry.” Matthew nods with a small smile.  
“You have a way with words,” Matthew says. I giggle.   
“I know, it's a goddess thing,” I say. Matthew smiles. 

“I would also at this time like to extend your stay indefinitely, you detected a bomb, one that could have made the middle of D.C. into a hole and I’ve never seen someone take down that many armed men that quickly and it was impressive, you’ve impressed me,” Matthew says. “And it would be a privilege to have you serve our country.”

 

A few hours after that, I’m able to be wheeled out of the hospital and into the quinjet where I’m transferred back to the base. By that time, I feel better to limp my way to my room where Steve helps me get settled under my blankets and it’s night by now and I’m dead tired. He kisses my forehead and leaves me to sleep and for the first time in months, I have a dream. In the dream, the necklace my mother gave me is glowing at me. When I reach out to touch it, someone, Frigga I recognize scolds me and pulls me back with her.

When I wake up the next morning, my lung no longer feels as if it isn’t working and I can take a whole deep breath with only minor pain. My shoulder is just a little sore and I roll out of my bed and gaze out the window. My eyes are dead set on the trees as they swish gently. It’s cloudy and foggy today, I can see it lingering on the ground. A ringing interrupts my thoughts and I notice the phone next to my bed, that I never use, is blaring out of control. I grab it and with a moan answer.

“Hello?” I mumble into the phone.

“How do you feel this morning?” Tony asks. I throw myself onto my pillow and look at the ceiling. 

“Better than yesterday, just a little sore, why?” I ask.

“Can’t I just see how you’re feeling?” Tony asks.

I smile and reply, “Yes. Thank you, Tony.”

“Of course, Hava,” Tony says. “You did good yesterday, really good.”

“Thanks.” I roll onto my stomach and I’m about to ask him if he wanted to take me to see that one new movie with the movie star that he’d slept with, but he says something quicker.

“The President wants to know when you’ll be fully well,” Tony says. “There’s a hostage situation in Iran and he wants you to resolve it, but not of course until you feel ready.”

“Oh,” I say. “Is it time sensitive?”

“A little, he’s still trying to find where they are,” Tony says. “They want to use you on the extraction team.” 

“Okay,” I agree. “Do you want to go see that one movie the one with… uhm the girl you slept with a couple years ago?”

“Oh! Zoolander 2! The sequel one I made you watch?” Tony laughed. “Yeah, we can see it, Hava. I’ll check my schedule.”

“Okay, bye,” I sigh and hang up. 

I go into my bathroom and brush my teeth, while I’m doing this I decide I should take a shower. Yes, they washed me at the hospital since I was covered in soot and ash, but a nice hot, perfectly pressured shower sounds amazing. I get in and do my routine pretty quickly and step out and dry myself off. Then, there’s a knock. I open the door and Steve is standing there with a bowl.

“Hey,” He says, nervously. I tighten my arms around my towel hanging off my figure like a dress. 

“Good morning,” I nod to him. He sucks in a breath and clicks his tongue, trying to keep his eyes on mine. “What’s in the bowl?” He glances at the bowl and chuckles. “I brought you some cereal. I didn’t know how you were feeling this morning.”

“Better.” I slide past him and in front of my closet. He turns around while I put a robe on over the towel and then slip it off. I smile at his nervousness and throw the towel into the bathroom and he turns back around. I take the bowl and sit on the bed. He sits on the vanity chair and folds his arms. I take a bite of the cereal and give him a small smile. “What?”

“Nothing.” He shakes his head. “You feeling okay?”

“I can take relatively good deep breaths and my shoulder doesn’t hurt anymore.” He gives a small bow of the head and gets up.

“Good, good,” he says. He walks over to me and touches my hair. “Get some rest.” I grab his wrist and meet his eyes, darkly. 

“Rogers,” I state. “What?” He looks at the painting above my bed and then looks back at me.

“I need your help,” He says. “It’s gotten to that point.” I release some of my grasps and set the bowl on the floor and pull him next to me. 

“What do you need me to do?”

“We’ve located him, but he’s going to be confused and you’re psychic-”

“Well, kind of,” I say. “I could help, but if he’s anything like you it’ll be a little difficult.”

Steve is silent now and staring at the floor. I bundle my legs under my body and put an arm around his shoulders and lean my head into the crook of his neck. He smells minty and his hair freshly washed and a tiny bit damp. Under my hand, I can feel his muscles in his shoulder and try my best not to pet him despite how bad I want too. 

“I can do it,” I mumble into his skin. “Really. If I wanted too, I could get into yours too. It just requires extra energy. And I have extra energy, Steve. I can do it.”

“Havallah,” He whispers, his shoulders are shaking. “There’s something else.” My hand swipes to his chin and I pull him so he’s looking at me. His eyes are extra glassy making me believe I may actually fall into the water. The deep, clear, ice stroked freezing water. 

“What?” I ask him. 

“I found something, Sam and I, it’s bad. Really bad,” Steve says. Tears are on the brink of spilling out of his eyes. “Bucky- he killed Tony’s parents.” I take my hand back immediately and get up.  _ Odin’s Beard! Sweet, sweet Angel of Havallah!  _ I stop and look at Steve.

“And you want to bring him back here?” I ask, trying to hide the deep disgust in my voice. I bite my tongue and suddenly taste blood. Steve stands up and walks slowly towards me. 

“He needs your help,” Steve says. “He wasn’t himself. You’ll see it, you can make Tony see it.” I blink in disbelief at Steve.

“Tony has done nothing, but favors for me, Steve,” I argue. “I can’t betray him. I can’t. And I can’t betray you either, but… of course, I want to help.” I’m thinking out loud a little, but I turn and look out the window. “He can’t come back here and just live with us. You’re going to tell Tony.”

“Havallah,” Steve says. “I cannot just tell him that. He’ll lose it.” I roll my eyes and feel an anger bubbling in my stomach. My shoulders become tight and soon I realize this is frustration. Humans. Humans need to recognize when someone needs help, you help them. Now, would I want the person who killed Heimdall living with me? Of course not, but if they weren’t themselves if they were someone else if they weren’t truly themselves! I could find forgiveness and Tony will too. 


	9. Chapter 9

The warm air against my skin makes me shiver ever so slightly since I insisted on wearing shorts and a very cute lilac top. He insists that we keep it as incognito as possible so I’m wearing super round black sunglasses that I bought, but haven’t got a chance to wear and Tony’s wearing his Prada glasses (I don’t what the hell a Prada is) and he for once did not wear a suit with one of his t-shirts. He’s wearing something pretty normal. A jean jacket and a t-shirt with some woman’s face on it. She’s moaning into the air, but actually kind of like and of course some worn out blue jeans. We’re standing outside of the movie theater and some teenage girl keeps glancing over at Tony, trying to decipher if it’s really him.

“I’m glad we’re getting to spend some together, Hava,” Tony says. He clicks off his phone and I look at him and offer a warm smile.

“Me too,” I reply. He looks at my bare shoulder and shakes his head.

“I can’t believe you don’t have a scar, not one on your whole entire body huh?” Tony says. He’s wrong. I have a horrible scar behind my right ear. He sighs. “Sorry.” Oh, he does remember. I sigh, deeply.

“It’s fine,” I say. “If you feel really bad… you know what you could do for me?”

“What?” Tony asks. “You have to be the most spoiled girl in the world. And you just know I’m gonna go do it for you, so what is it?”

“You know how you always wanted a puppy when you were little? I think you should buy me one,” I smile. Tony folds his arms.

“You’re ridiculous…  that is the best you can come up with?” Tony asks in his usual snarky manner. 

“We could name it Howie after your father,” I suggest. 

“That’s nice of you, Hava,” Tony walks over to me and puts an arm around my shoulders. “You’re gonna love this movie.”

 

Tony is deeply disappointed by the movie, but I found it pretty funny actually. Tony wants us to go to his favorite shawarma place, the place we ate in total silence after New York, not that I ate anything except water and some sort of soda. We stroll down the street and it’s nearing the evening. Voices swirl all around us mostly revolving around Tony so I drown them and out and listen to him talk. He’s talking about the President and Peter, who he says he sees great potential. 

“Do you like him?” Tony asks. 

“Yes, he’s a sweet boy,” I say. “Of course, I think he needs some experience, but if he keeps up the training with us and the little missions… he’ll be good.”

“What about you?” He asks me. We stop at a street corner and he takes off his glasses. 

“What about me?” I reply, taking off my glasses too. 

“You’re a lot better than you were like two months ago.” Tony folds his arms and goes into one of those stances where he suspects something. “How long have you and Steve been together?”

I raise an eyebrow and my eyes land on a fire hydrant. I can hear the water rushing inside. “A day.” Tony guffaws and shakes his head.

“Hava, you can tell me,” Tony urges. 

“A day, Tony. We only agreed on what we were yesterday.”

“What about those looks? The ones you’ve been exchanging since Ultron?”

“Just looks. Maybe I should’ve started dating him sooner, but I kept pushing him away. I had my own feelings to deal with it.”

Tony accepts this and we cross the street. 

“Well, I’m glad you guys are together because I told him to take you to dinner tonight,” Tony said. I stop walking and look at him.

“But, I wanted the time with you,” I fold my arms. 

“We’ll have tomorrow-”

“Steve and I can have tomorrow. I wanted to spend a day with you. We’ve been fighting a lot lately-” A woman passes us and as she does. She stops and glares at me. 

“Hey, aren’t you that girl from the New York incident?” The woman says. I look at her and look her up and down. She’s young and wearing a pink shirt that shows her pierced belly button, she’s wearing acid washed jeans and her reddish hair is pulled back from her face. 

“Havallah,” I introduce. She lost her brother in New York. Her 

“I lost my brother in New York. Thanks to you and that asshole with the black hair,” she says. Tony steps towards us as the girl steps closer to me. Her fists are balled, ready to hit me across the face. And I will let her. “I don’t give a shit if you were raped or whatever. It’s no excuse for what you did.”

“I know,” I say. “And there’s nothing I can ever do to make it up to you, except offer you an apology.” The girl blinks at me and un-wrenches her fists. “I’m sorry…”

“Hannah,” Hannah says.

“I’m sorry, Hannah. I will do everything in power to make sure something like that never happens again. Nobody should have to go through what you went through,” Havallah said. Hannah backs away from me and offers a small smile.

“I read in these articles that you were under some sort of mind lock or something, that you barely remember it,” Hannah says. That’s true. The events of New York are still blurry, the only crystal thing I can remember is… something horrible that when I think of I want to slit my wrists. 

“Yeah, like when you get super drunk and start to remember things the next morning,” I analogize. She chuckled a little. “It still doesn't change that happened though.”

“You’re right,” She replies. “You did save us from being blown into tiny particles, I guess. You kept that giant piece of land from falling.”

I only nod.

“Well, thank you for that,” She says. “Eye for an eye.” She walks down the street and mouth opens. 

“What?” I mumble.

“Tit for tat,” Tony explains. I shake my head. “You took away her brother’s life, but you saved hers and probably her family’s too. She’s saying it’s even. That she forgives you.”

I smile and giggle a little. “That’s the first time they’ve actually forgiven me. Most of the time it’s a ‘fuck you’ or ‘go to hell, bitch’.” Tony shakes his head and just guides me inside. 

 

Steve is standing next to a table with a small smile on his face. His eyes take in my legs and then they watch my hips as I walk in. Finally, his eyes land on mine and the world slows, I smile at him and walk into his arms. He kisses my forehead.

“Have you talked to him?” He mumbles.

“No,” I whisper back and turn back towards Tony. “Tony, just stay for awhile. Steve and I can hang out later.” Tony shakes his head.

“I’m not getting in the way of this, we can get lunch or something tomorrow, Hava,” Tony says and then he looks at Steve. “Keep your phone on, I’m gonna need to be sending Hava updates on the hostage situation.” I give Tony a small hug and he gives a small kiss on the cheek. “Have fun!” He walks out of the restaurant and out of sight and the second he does, my shoulders slump.

“What the hell?” I say to myself. “Steve, you were supposed to let me tell him over dinner.”

“Yeah and then he called telling me to meet you guys for dinner. Then, almost an hour ago he says it’ll be just you and me.” I bite on my lip and Steve pulls out my chair. “We might as well enjoy it.” I sigh and sit down and Steve helps me in. He sits across from me and I rub my temples. We’re in a corner of the restaurant and thankfully, nobody’s paying much attention. But, the voices are swirling and I want to have a conversation with Steve, but it’s hard to execute this when all I can hear is some guy and how much he’s turned on by his girlfriend. Good for him. Steve’s looking at me with a dopey look. 

“What?” I ask. He shakes his head. 

“Nothing,” Steve says. “It’s loud in here.” He knows me so well already and II bite my thumb.

“I asked Tony to buy me a dog,” I tell him. He furrows his brows. “He always wanted one when he was little and Howard never let him. And dogs and humans are a perfect match. I also really want a dog.” 

“Only you, Hava,” Steve says, taking a sip of his water. I didn’t notice, but there are waters on the table and I take out a straw, ripping it and stick it in the water. I take a long sip and allow Steve to talk. “What’s up with this hostage situation?”

“U.S. hostages in the Middle East.” I stir the straw around. “The President is asking me to rescue them or something.”

“And kill the terrorists that captured them or bring them back, where they’ll be tortured,” Steve mutters. I give a nervous chuckle. “He wants you to bring them back, but by doing that they’re here where they have no rights.”

“They’re on Earth, they have rights,” I say. Steve swallows and looks at the lights above my head and then back at me with a sorry look. Once again, the human race has deeply disappointed me. He’s sorry of course like he can change that. “First it’s the ever apparent racism and oppression of certain ethnic groups and cultures, now this? Depriving people of basic civil rights? I thought the U.S. was a big advocate for this, that’s why I like it here and now you’re telling me that if I choose to bring back those terrorists they’ll be tortured and killed?”

Steve nods. “Most likely.”

“This place is a fucking madhouse,” I mutter into my drink. Steve chuckles and puts a hand on the table, reaching for mine. I let him wrap his hand around.

“Well, at least you have me,” Steve says. I laugh and bend across the table as he does too.

“I suppose,” I sigh. He gives a flirty chuckle and then kisses me. The kiss is a little longer than one meant for across the table and as we pull out. I sneak another one on him.

“Let’s get ordered, I’m starving,” Steve says, standing.

“I bet you are.”

 

After a hearty meal of shawarma, fries and Steve’s insistence with me trying their lentil soup, we get picked up by a quinjet at the former Avengers tower and get home. We have good conversation and laughs all the way home. Steve and I walk back to my room and I tell him he has to hang out with me for longer. Tony’s been wanting me to watch “Ocean’s Eleven”. I lean against my door and bite my lip.

“Havallah, do you think that’s really the best idea?” Steve asked. “We agreed on taking it slow.”

“What do you think will happen?” I ask him with a sly smile and a hint of fake innocence. Steve laughs and steps towards me, putting an arm above my head. 

“Hava,” He says, slowly. His eyes linger onto my breasts, legs and then make their way back into mine. He exhales, hardly. 

“We’re just going to watch a movie,” I plead. I open the door and pull Steve inside and he follows obediently. I push him onto the bed and he sits back and I sit on his lap and give him a deep kiss. His hands wrap around my waist and I tighten my legs around his. His hands begin to travel up my shirt and feel on the lace of my rose cup colored bra. His hands then go to my waist and hold me steady.

“Hava,” Steve gasps. I stare back at him and lean over to the end table and take my laptop. 

“Watching the movie,” I say and get off his lap. “I’m gonna take a shower and get my pajamas on and you can go get some more comfy clothes on and we can sit together and watch.”

 

Twenty minutes later, Steve and I are cuddled on my bed with “Ocean’s Eleven” playing in my lap. Steve’s hands are on my hips in a safe zone and our cheeks are relatively cheek to cheek. As the movie drags on and we get more and more tired. Steve’s hands migrate upwards and my hands rub his thighs.

“Mm,” Steve moans into my cheek and gives me a light kiss. I chuckle and rub a little deeper. He lets out another low moan. He kisses the back of my neck, sending a little tingle up my spine. A little groan escapes me and I feel Steve smiling into my skin. He kisses around my neck, each time tingles run through my entire body and by the time he reaches my collarbone, I’m shuddering.

“Steve,” I say lightly. He stops and looks to the movie. 

“What’s that guy’s name again?” He asks, casually. I swallow and with it my horribly dirty thoughts.

“Him? Danny Ocean, the main character,” I answer him. I sit up and take the computer into my lap more. Steve rests his chin on my shoulder. “You’re distracting me.”

“Aren’t I always?” 

I smile to myself and turn towards him, allowing the computer to fall beside us. I bury him in a kiss and he reacts as if he already knew this was coming. I put my hands on his cheeks and our tongues begin to dance together and Steve and I both moan in pleasure. His hands land on my hips and lift me up and then onto the bed. He lies between my legs and I wrap them around his hips bringing him closer to me. I leave our kiss to suck on his neck, finding his sweet spot immediately. His arms wrap tight around my waist as I can’t imagine what he’s feeling right now. Steve’s tongue begins to tickle my neck and I let up on my hickey making and fall back into satisfaction. Now that I’ve essentially stopped, Steve’s hands linger under my shirt and begin to pull it over my head. Before he can, however, the door cracks open. 

“Hava, the President-” Natasha begins, but stops and gapes at what’s in front of her. Her staring stops and turns into a somewhat forced smile. “I guess I should start knocking.” I notice now that she is holding a phone in her hand. “The President is on the phone for you.” I stick an arm out and she hands it to me.

“Hello?” I sit up and push Steve off of me. He pauses the movie and sits next to me listening.

“Havallah,” Matthew greets. “I trust that Tony informed you on the hostage situation in Iran.”

“Yeah, I had a question about the details of the mission,” I begin. “I had a feeling that you wanted me to take into custody the kidnappers-”

“Yes, I did,” Matthew said. 

“And what do you plan on doing with them when they get here? Jail them?” I ask.

“Something of the sort…” Matthew says, nervously. “We can talk about it more in my office when you get here.”

“Which is when?” I ask. 

“Right about now.”

 

_ Odin’s Beard!  _ I can’t even enjoy flying right now. It’s about two hours later from my phone call with the President. I put on my mission suit something I don't normally wear. I hate it and love it because it is a lot like the suit I wore back on Asgard. Since this is my stealth suit, it’s a black mesh top that has a black line where my breasts are, but generally, mesh till my pants which turn into black pants that also have black boots attached to it. Around my shoulders coming down like a cape and representing my wings is a beautiful black cape that is vibranium infused to protect anyone behind it. The cape since it can be distracting folds up and resembles a fur belt around my waist. Soon I approached the White House and land at the nearest entry to the Oval Office. Since my last visit here was so catastrophic, the ice begins to gather under my nails and almost immediately turns my fingertips to ice. I allow it to-it’s easier than fighting it- and once the danger is nowhere to be found it’ll back off. They know who I am and an usher leads me to the office. I walk through the halls, my cape flies like velvet creating a ruffling sound. I’m not happy to be here and I march through the hallway and numerous aides gawk and stare. Mrs. Ellis even sees me and prompts a hello.

“Havallah, hi,” Mrs. Ellis says. I glance at her and continue walking and before being allowed to walk in, I open the door of the office and step in. Toddy and Matty, perfect.

“Mr. President, Secretary,” I greet and close the door. “Thaddeus, Matthew.”

“Havallah, thank you for meeting with us on such short notice,” Thaddeus begins.

“Save it,” I bite. I walk towards them and I see Thaddeus go into a stance that suggests I may just punch his jaw in. He’s right. “Would you like to explain to me what you exactly want me to do? No bullshit.”

“We want you to extract a group of American civilians from the hands of a terrorist group. It requires no one else except you. We think there’s about a team of six. We don’t expect you to bring them back alive.”

“Don’t expect me to bring them back at all,” I correct. Toddy scoffs and looks to Matthew, who knows I’m serious.

“They’re criminals, Havallah,” Toddy said as if it was crystal clear what needed to be done. I fold my hands together and step closer to him.

“Are you God?” I ask him. “Last time I checked, He was taller.” 

“You don’t believe that they should be punished?” Matthew asked, walking to his drink on his end table. It’s scotch this time instead of whatever the other stuff was. 

“I’m not as stupid as you make me seem,” I say to him. “And please, I want you sober for this.” He puts the drink down. He pockets his hands.

“So say what you need,” Matthew says.

“The terrorists I bring back will not be tortured for information if there’s anything useful I will share it with you. I will bring back your team of spies, but I suggest being a little bit more careful next time. Humans are pretty smart,” I say as I repeat something a human just spit into my head. Steve really is helpful. The two men glance at each other. “I said no bullshit. What’s your answer?”

“We accept,” Toddy says for them. 

“Good, I’ll have them back in about two hours,” I say and begin to exit.

“You need the address!” Matthew calls out. Toddy sighs and looks at him. 

“Knowing her she already has it,” Toddy sighs. And he’s right.

 

I fly over the Middle East silently. Tony told me he was kidnapped here years ago. Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dummy gave me a com to communicate with them through and so they could track my movements right before I left. I’m nearing closer so I press the tiny contraption and tell them.

“I’m nearing the base. Four people are inside- no six, two are terrorists. The others are your spies,” I say, floating above.

“No, there are five spies,” Matthew interjects. “Five of them.” I fly a little closer and listen. One, two, three, four American spies. Two people thinking in another language, they are wondering what to do with them. 

“I’m going in. I’ll look out for the fifth. If I don’t find them, I’ll still drop the others at the rendezvous point,” I begin to hover down to the sand outside of the bunker. I curl my fists to detain the ice.  _ Ice! Wait!  _ This involves humans, ones with guns at best, perhaps a bomb. Maybe I’m still weak from my attack yesterday. I find a rock and try to conjure up some blood, but the rock is no good. I’m fine. And if it was still off from yesterday, it wouldn’t be here. I look around and try to spot any voices, none. Except for the ones inside of course. I walk towards the door and run a finger over it. Thick and titanium. These must be some really good prisoners. I lift into the air. To get through titanium, which is not easy may I add, I’m going to have to use some leverage. This is breakable but the same as a very thick plastic is to humans, I have to jump on it. I go about three hundred feet into the air and spot the room with the most voices. I hover over it and then allow myself to fall. My feet rip through the titanium perfectly and a hail fire of bullets parade down onto me. I take the barrels of their AR-15s and crush them. I throw them to the side and as one man goes for another gun, I throw my hand across his face and he simply drops. The next one throws a punch that against my face leaves no bruise. I don’t even blink. I grab his fist and squeeze and he falls to his knees. I take hold of his hand and knee him to make sure he’s completely out an turn to the spies. One of them must’ve been slightly free and unties the rest.

“Thank you,” One of them says. 

“Don’t thank me yet, I haven’t brought you home. There’s no one else here, you can go out the front door and begin heading east,” I tell them. They furrow their eyebrows.

“We’re not British operatives,” A woman shakes her head, sadly. “We’re American.”

“Good, neither am I,” I say. “I’m working with your president, Matthew Ellis and your Secretary of State, Thaddeus Ross. I’m Havallah.” The people sigh thankfully and begin to exit. I walk around the base, checking for anything else and take the two men.

 

I arrive back at the base, worn and tired. The mission control room is dark and only illuminated by the tiny glowing buttons and little blue light giving screens. I walk in and find that Tony was waiting up for me and check the dialog clock on a nearby monitor. It’s one thirty.

“You didn’t have to wait up,” I tell him, collapsing into a chair next to him. He sits up and stretches; he was dozing off. 

“I wanted to,” Tony said. “Make sure this whole thing ran smoothly.”

“It did. I only hope that Matthew and Toddy will still abide by the rules.” I came back to the White House after the mission to tell them what I had read off their minds. We agreed to incarceration for the time being and will discuss their options further. I don’t think Toddy likes me negotiating on the side of terrorists, but like Steve’s told me in the past one man’s hero is just another’s enemy’s. I have to make a point to stay apolitical like Natasha. 

“Rules?” Tony asks, with a bit of confusion.

“I told them any information they wanted to know in exchange for their incarceration instead of death,” Tony smirks at me and takes off his sunglasses, setting them on the console table.

“Havallah Heimdalle,” Tony said. “Why can’t we all be like you?”

“What are you talking about?” I ask him. Tony straightens his spine and folds his hands.

“You’re keeping something from me.”

I chuckle, “Like what?”

“Something big,” Tony says. I run a hand through my hair and feel silk twists around my fingers. 

“We can talk about it in the morning,” I tell him, now standing. “It’s really late.”

“You’ll honestly tell me?”

“Honestly, yes,” I reply and leave him alone in the dim darkness.

 

The next morning I sleep for a long time and into the late morning finally waking at eleven. I twist and turn in the light trying to find my perfect way of telling Tony so he doesn’t kill Steve. I groan at the fact that in all of the universe’s ways of laughing at us all, the had to do this. Peter left yesterday returning for school and he learned a lot this past weekend, so he says and everybody else says. I don’t see how he could have learned anything except that not all of us are invincible depsite the fact that you are pretty certain you are. 

For years on Asgard, I was never like the other children. One example being I was raised by my father, Heimdall and with how busy he was how could he be on me all the time and Frigga. Frigga was an amazing mother like figure to me and I miss her greatly. Something always bugged me about them as well. Asgardians were all so simply or so I thought until I met Loki. Well, I’d known Loki my entire life, but when I truly met him and heard things about him. He didn’t sound like the rest of the Asgardians at all. He was different and he was wittier than them, arguably more charming and perhaps this is why he nicknamed the God of Mischief and all his other titles. Unfortunatly for Loki and for my sake, he isn’t Asgardian. I suppose the problem with the Asgardians is that they are all devout followers to Odin and the throne. I’m not so maybe that isn’t the problem. Sometimes a memory makes myself doubt that I am not fully Asgardian. My mother wasn’t born in Asgard and she was not Asgardian, my father says she was, but I remember them having a discussion in which Heimdall told my mother that she couldn’t do things like that (referring to her magic) here, that the rules are different than than where’s she’s from. She simply nodded and apologized to my father like the mediocre wife she was (for leaving him), then began making dinner. It was peas and lamb that night. I was four years old. 

My earliest memories of my mother are the oldest memories of my life. I was only six when she left; just gone and any time I brought it up to Heimdall when I was older, he said my mother was lost in Asgard. This may just attribute more to my growing suspsion that I’m not fully Asgardian. I’m as strong as Thor if not stronger, but… I also have an unbelievable amount of magical energy that may be the reason I’m stronger. It’s funny that so many different energy sources are protecting my body. The bifrost’s magical source and… life’s source? I don’t exactly know what the white power is, but I assume it’s just my magic color the same as Loki’s is gold and green. Mine is white. Frigga says it could be the innocence of myself and the magic is pure white magic, not a single drop of darkness. I think that’s funny as well, my thoughts seem to always be rotting inside my brain. Getting worse and worse the longer they sit and are not told.  _ Odin’s Beard!  _ That got dark very quickly and here I was ready to tell that my mother is most definetly not Asgardian and is something much stronger and darker.


	10. Chapter 10

“Tony!” I yell at a strung out monster, who I did allow to throw a couple of glasses at Steve’s head until a piece of glass got caught in his cheek. 

“I want him out, Hava,” Tony bit in my face. I put a hand on his chest and sigh trying to calm him.

“Tony, look at me,” I try. He glances at me and then at Steve, who has a thick line of ruby running down his cheek. “Anthony…” Tony slowly looks at me again and watches the swirls around my eyes, I presume. He relaxes under my hand and I exhale relieved. I wrap my arms around his neck and his find my waist and bring me closer. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Tony mumbles. His voice is quivering and I’m thankful we’re past the anger, but I cannot stand to watch Tony cry.

“I know, it’s not Steve’s either,” I reply, holding him tighter. He tightens as well, giving himself over to me in a small sob. I hear Steve turn towards the kitchen. The kitchen, small dining table, and living room are all in one big room that makes it feel extra homey to me. I’m glad Tony didn’t think to grab a steak knife off of the dinner table (we were all eating previous to this) and stab Steve, which I was prepared for. I would’ve let him get in one good stab and then stopped him. Though, I’m mad at myself for even thinking to allow something awful like that. Steve didn’t kill Tony’s parents, Bucky did. And Bucky needs help. 

“It’s okay.” I shush gently. Tony responds in another sob, I bite my lip feeling tears of my own. I cannot help but feel sorry for putting him through this… and then knowing what I’m going to ask him, is just even worse.

“Tony,” Steve says now. I step back and look at the floor so my own single tear on my cheek isn’t too obvious. Tony’s eyes, however, are red like when he smokes pot sometimes. 

“Yeah?” Tony responds.

“I’m really sorry. Hava told me that you’ve been dealing with some things right now and that telling you this would make you upset and I-I don’t want to hurt you or derail you or anything.” Steve has picked the piece of glass out of his cheek and his hand has been reduced to finger casts. He said over dinner that I shattered his entire pinky finger, but his others were two clean breaks each. All of this just seemed to add more shit to my pot. I apologized profusely, but he didn’t want to hear it. He had it coming and knew what he was getting into when he did that.  _ Whatever.  _

“Did she?” Tony chokes but tries to regain his composure. I look up now and rub the arms of my white long-sleeved sweatshirt. It has an Avengers logo on the center of it. I’m also wearing very comfortable grey leggings that go to my knee. I was thinking of going on a run after this. I don’t think I have mentioned my love for running. I love to run, I’m good at it, fast at it and just amazing. Plus, I don’t get slowed down by petty things like oxygen.

Steve’s eyes meet mine and I look back at the floor. Even I can’t stand to look at him right now. 

“Yeah,” Steve answers. Tony goes over to the liquor cabinet which is right above the microwave that sits on the counter. Under that part is a wine fridge, but I’ve hated wine since I was young. It tastes the same everywhere. He opens it and takes out an expensive bottle of bourbon and three glasses.

“Sit,” Tony says. He seems to mean both of us and we sit at the counter, where I generally enjoy cereal with Sam unless he makes breakfast. Then, Wanda and whoever else is around joining us and we eat at the table. He pours the three glasses to their appropriate level and takes one; Steve and I do the same. “To my parents.” I smile, a little and take the thing. Steve and Tony stare in shock. 

“Jesus, Hava,” Steve chuckles, taking a sip. Tony shrugs and does the same, wincing right after. 

“Now you Rogers, don’t pussy out on us,” Tony demands. I laugh and look at my boyfriend.

“Yes Rogers, don’t be such a pussy,” I say to him. He smiles slyly and takes the rest of the thing, exhaling as the liquid burns through his chest. “Pour me another.”

Tony chuckles and pours us all another round. I lift my glass to my lips.

“Your turn,” Tony says before I drink it.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“What’s this round to?” Tony asked. Steve and he both look at me now ready for me to toast to someone. I set my glass down.

“I’ve got drunk or close to it enough times. Those were my toasts,” I say. They’re not happy with my answer. “Fine. To my long and forgotten real mother, Valoria Amora Chaoski.” I take the entire thing, but they continue to stare at me. “What?”

Steve sets his drink down, blinking at me with confusion and annoyance. “Your mother?”

“Yes, my mother. I do have one,” I reply. Tony takes a tiny sip of the drink and puts it down.

“What do you mean long and forgotten?” Steve asked. “She died, didn’t she?”

I chuckled and shake my head. “She left when I was six.” I take his drink and gulp it down. A nice tingly burn. Steve snatches my or I suppose his glass from me. 

“You knew her?” Steve concerns. He touches my thigh and fucking pink clouds the corners of my vision. Talking about my issues and alcohol really seems to turn me on.

“Get your hand off my thigh,” I whisper. Steve doesn’t respond.

“Havallah!” Steve barks. Tony takes a bigger gulp now. 

“Yes, I knew her,” I answer. I put my hands flat on the counter. Ice swirls under my nails. “She left when I was six years old. My first memories are of her. But, she left me and my father, she’s… gone and forgotten. I barely think of her as my mother. Heimdall is my mother and my father. Frigga helped around when Heimdall was gone, she always wanted a daughter.” I sound like I’m repeating the thing I used to tell myself when I was thirteen and fourteen. I would repeat this while I fell asleep at least when neither Frigga nor Heimdall could be there and I was completely alone in my house. It was convincing myself that she’s gone- that she is dead. At least to me.

“You don’t ever wonder where she is?” Steve asks. I begin to laugh.

“I don’t care about her, Steve. I could care less where she is, she left me her only daughter and her husband for who knows why…. And…” I mutter. “I can't get upset over it. She’s gone and there’s no finding her because I don’t want too.”

“She’s your mom,” Steve says. 

“God, Steve… please,” I say to him, now. “It’s different. She’s not my mother. She gave birth to me and gave me some of her genes, but she is  _ not  _ my mother.”

Steve takes his hand back and pours another round. 

“To Loki,” Steve says. Tony smacks his lips in annoyance. I am right there with you, Tony. “If it wasn’t for him and his homicidal tendencies, I would have never have met you.” I smile now and lift my glass. Tony does too.

“To Loki,” Tony says in a sarcastic manner that only he can pull off. “If it wasn’t for him, none of us would be here. Lost, but found.” I start to laugh and take my shot. Lost, but found. Yes, thank the fucking God of Mischief for that.

 

“You guys gonna tell me your fucking story or what?” Tony laughs, two hours later at one am. We’ve gone through two bottles of whiskey or him and me and a half. Steve and I have to keep drinking more to even catch up. I think in total I’ve had three, Steve maybe two. I laugh at him and lean my head on Steve’s shoulder. We’ve moved to the couch where Tony lies upside down and Steve and I are leaned against the living chair. 

“What do you mean?” I mumble, with a small giggle.

“What made you guys start going out? What’s the sweet love story?” Tony asks. He now falls off the couch, which I think shakes Steve from his drunkenness and looks at Tony squinting. “Natasha told me she walked in on you guys.”

“We weren’t doing anything,” Steve says.

“We were just kissing,” I smile and wrap my hand around Steve’s.

“Yeah, with his hands up your shirt,” Tony hiccups as I make myself into a standing position. I scoff and stumble towards Tony.

“We didn’t have sex, Tony. We’re not going to have sex for a very long time. We’re taking it slow.”

“Oh you can take it slow, alright,” Tony said. “Trust me, you guys won’t last.”

“What are you even talking about?” Steve asks.

“Your penis, Steve! And her… ness,” Tony refers to me with a dainty point. “With the way the two of you have been looking at each other for the past year, there is no way that tonight you won’t have sex.”

“Tony stay out of it,” I growl with no actual bite. I stand up now and lean on the couch for support, taking the whiskey bottle. “There will be no fucking between Steve and I. Or sex. Or intercourse of any kind. I’m celibate now.” Tony starts to wheeze with laughter and Steve starts laughing too. I take a swig from the bottle and without looking I fall to the floor, the glass shattering and my ribs smacking against the lightly carpeted floor with a tiny munch. Steve is somehow sober again and is standing by my side when after a minute or two I come to. 

“Woah,” I mumble.

“You’re very drunk,” Steve says trying to sound assertive. “You’re going to bed.”

“You’re not my fucking father or my shitty mother. I will continue to drink until I feel like it,” I say, trying to wiggle out of his hands which have taken my arms. He lifts me up and throws me over his shoulder.

“Bed now,” Steve says to Tony. Tony, I think agrees and follows us upstairs as I bounce up the stairs on his back. Damn, Steve has a cute butt.

 

The next morning, I wake up to blue sheets instead of my normal light grey ones. The room is darker and the closet doors for some odd reason are made now of a dark mahogany instead of whatever the hell mine was. I twist the other way to find Steve lying next to me without his shirt. I gasp and stare at his chest for a second, watching his abs move with his breathing and how sweetly he looks when he sleeps. I notice now my legs are bare and the shirt I’m wearing is not mine. It is, however, the one Steve wore last night. I still have my underwear on so I assume that we didn’t…. Well maybe. I check to see if Steve is in his underwear but find he has a pair of sweatpants on and relax. Still, I feel something is off. I sit up now and move onto my knees to check the clock on Steve’s side of the bed. It’s ten thirty. I lay back onto Steve’s side and listen to his breathing for a second. He’s so peaceful like this and absolutely beautiful. Steve sturs for a second and his eyes flutter open and he notices me.

“Hey,” Steve says in his cute little morning voice. I smile sweetly at him as he turns towards me. “Good morning.”  The first of many.

“Good morning,” I reply. I desperately want to move into his arms, to feel him squeeze around me, but considering I don’t remember what we did last night, I don’t. “Steve…”

“Yeah,” He replies, smiling to himself.

“Did we have sex last night?” I ask him. His eyebrows raise in surprise.

“No,” Steve says. “You wouldn’t sleep alone. You came in here after I put you to bed and I guess you found that shirt and climbed into bed with me.”

“Oh,” I reply. I remember now. I couldn’t stop thinking of my mother. Her somehow shiny copper colored eyes, the way she laughed when Heimdall told jokes, how sweetly she loved me and that damn necklace.

“We talked about your mom for a while. I talked about my life for a while, do you not remember?” Steve asks. Now I do. Steve told me exactly how sick he was in his youth, how he wasn’t average, how he was picked on, teased, bullied. It was a long night.

“I do,” I reply. “I tend to block things out about my mother.”

“You said you hate her.”

“I do,” I reply again. “Whatever her reason was for leaving was not one shared with my father. Heimdall was heartbroken when she left.”

Steve sighs, inwardly and sits up. “We have to talk to Tony today. Tell him our plan.”

“We don’t have a plan,” I say, following him. He gets out of bed and takes my hand and I leave it too. He reaches down and hands me my leggings. I remember coming into the room and taking those off, taking off my sweatshirt too and finding something of Steve’s on the floor. Anything that smelled like him really. I sit on the bed and pull them on while Steve opens a dresser drawer which is right by a giant glass window and takes out a black t-shirt. 

“I’m gonna go on my run with Sam. We can all talk about it then,” Steve says. 

 

A mile and a half into the forest, Steve and I stop so Sam can catch up. My hair is pulled back from my face in a high ponytail and strays fly everywhere. Steve is panting, but my breathing is relatively normal. Steve leans against a tree on the trail they usually take. 

“How are you still not panting?” Steve asks with a smile. He leans down behind the tree and takes out three bottles of water from a hiding spot. He hands one to me. 

“Endurance,”  I reply. I take a gulp of the water and watch Sam as he comes in behind us, panting harder than both of us. I suppose for him this is a little harder. We did just do that whole mile and a half in about seven minutes and that was going slower than normal. Sam’s clocking in at seven forty-five. “Good job.”

“Shut up,” Sam gasps for air and takes the water Steve offers him. I laugh and turn back to Steve, who stretched his shoulder.

“He going to need our help when we get him,” Steve says. Sam nods and I don’t say anything, looking towards my fingernails. Maybe if I painted my nails, I would never have to see the ice swirls. Whenever I get a manicure, I always get a clear polish but if it wasn’t then I wouldn’t see it, logically.

“So we bring him back with us,” Sam says, with my silence. I pat down my hair and tug on the string of my sweatshirt.

“We can’t do that,” I interject as Steve begins again. “Tony can’t handle something like that. If we bring him back, it is not to this base.”

“Where do you suggest?” Steve asks, folding his arms.

“Your apartment, he lives there with you,” I say. Sam is beginning to catch his breath now and crouches down. 

“I gotta keep moving,” Sam says. 

“You want to keep running?” I ask. I begin to jog and Steve and Sam keep pace with me. “Good thing you didn’t eat breakfast huh?” Sam shakes his head.

“I hate you,” Sam says and starts a faster run.

“Maybe if you moved back to Brooklyn, you know where you guys grew up it’d help,” I said, back on the subject of Bucky. Steve nods and goes a little faster, I go with him.

“How long do you think it would take you to fix his head?” Steve asked. “Make sure he’s not confused.”

“I don’t know. Not too long I don’t think,” I say. Steve nods.

“And I’m moving to Brooklyn?” Steve asks, again. I smile and nod.

“Yes, Steve. You move to Brooklyn, he can’t stay here at the base. Tony can’t handle something like that and Tony’s not leaving,” I say. 

“You want me to move to Brooklyn? To New York City?” Steve asks. I blink at him and try not to sound annoyed.

“Yes, Steve.”

“Alone?” Steve asks. Sam starts to chuckle ahead of us and I furrow my brows and stop running.

“You won’t be alone, Bucky will go with you!” I exclaim. Steve stops and so does Sam. Sam’s wheezing with laughter.

“I think he’s trying to ask you to come with him,” Sam says. “You know go to Brooklyn with him.”

I fold my arms and shake my head.

“Oh,” I say, quietly. “Well… no.”

Sam looks at me, biting his lip and then Steve, who’s narrowing his eyes at me. 

“I’m just gonna go for a cool down lap,” Sam says, awkwardly and starts off to the left of us down a less beaten path. 

“Why not?” Steve asks.

“I can’t leave the base. I don’t want to leave the base, so I’m gonna stay. I can still come to see you,” I offer, stepping closer to him. He sighs, frustrated.

“Havallah, I-” Steve stammers. “I really like you. And I don’t want to not see you every day.”

“So, I’ll visit every day, I mean all my stuff is here-”

“We can move it,” Steve says. I clench my jaw down and look at the floor, trying not to bore holes into Steve’s head.

“I can’t just go and live in some apartment, Steve. And- I do things here and I… Tony won’t let me let.”

“Did you ask?” Steve bites back. “And you’re an adult… you can decide where you want to live.”

“Well, I want to live at the base,” I reply. “I can still see you, Steve and it’ll be good. We don’t need to be in constant connection.” Steve’s shoulders slump and he takes a deep breath and gives a sarcastic smile.

“Fine,” Steve says. 

“Fine,” I reply back annoyed with his annoyance. Steve does his equivalent of rolling his eyes which is a small scoff and mumbles something and begins down the path back. 

 

“So what are you guys thinking?” Tony asks. It is now two o’clock in the afternoon. Sam, Steve, and I are all showered and redressed. Natasha is trying to force me to eat something, so she’s making me a chicken wrap. Steve hasn’t said much to me since I said no. I think he’s just processing the information. 

We’re all seated around the kitchen table. Sam and Steve sit with sandwiches in front of them and Tony has been munching on salt and vinegar chips. For some reason, I still do feel really off about Steve- I think he’s just getting used to the fact that I will not be going with him and he’s not happy about it. In truth, it scares me to leave the base a little bit and moving in with Steve- going off to live with him means something. You don’t just move in with someone you just started dating. 

“Well, we have it on good authority and source that Bucky’s in a prison somewhere in East Russia,” Steve explains. 

“I’m not talking about the rescue…” Tony says, he takes a long sip of water. “I’m talking about after? What are you planning on doing?” Tony now looks at me.

“He comes back with Steve to Brooklyn, I can ease his head and Steve recuperates him into modern life,” I say. Tony stares at me for a while and then looks at Steve. 

“Is she going with you?” Tony asks. Steve smirks.

“No,” Steve answers, bitterly. Natasha turns from the kitchen and slams the plate down.

“Why not, Hava?” Natasha says, gently taking out a glass and filling it with sparkling water. 

“I don’t want to go,” I answer. Steve folds his arms and sits back in his chair. 

“That’s hardly any reason,” Natasha chuckles, bringing the food over and setting it in front of me. 

“It’s the only reason,” I reply back. Everyone around the table has some hopeful look on their face like this is the best thing and that I’ll be easily changed, except Steve who knows I’m dead set in my answer. 

“Just eat your food,” Steve mumbles. I narrow my eyes at him.

“Why do you want me to come with you so badly?” I argue. “I’m sure you’ll want some time with Bucky, just the two of you.”

“Of course, I do-” Steve begins.

“So, go with Bucky,” I bite back. 

“Hava, I-” He stumbles again and closes his mouth.

“What?” I growl.

“I love you, okay? That’s why I want you to come with me,” Steve barks back at me. Tony, Natasha, and Sam all have different reactions. Tony’s burying his face in his hands, Natasha is smirking and looking between the two of us and Sam is hating the fact that he is witness to both of Steve and I’s arguments. I… well I’m staring at Steve with my mouth dropped. God, I’m an idiot. And I say that to You in all seriousness.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this was such a long time coming!!1!!1 Like sorry im so dumb I just wanted to start to catch up and write a bunch of chapters and get some done so after some editing they'll be up soon! But for now here's chapter 11

“Fine,” I reply, finally. Tony’s jaw dropped now that that’s my reaction to Steve’s proposal. “I’ll go with you.” 

Natasha closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Havallah, please.”

“You love me so you want me to come with you?” I say to him. He’s not happy at all with my answer either. “That’s the same mentality Loki had when he took me with him. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Steve clenches his jaw. “That was low.”

“So is telling me you love me so I’ll go with you. It’s not changing my mind, it doesn’t change anything, I already knew that.”

“You read his mind?” Sam asked. I glare at him and then look back at Steve.

“I don’t need to read his mind to know that he loves me- I’m not stupid, I have eyes and ears and… the freeway. I just… know,” I say. Steve looks at the floor and I bite my lip in anticipation, I can be so stupid. Just so stupid. I don’t know why I’m so turned off by the idea of moving in with Steve. 

“Fine,” Steve says. “It’s fine.”

He hasn’t looked back up at me. I stop biting my lip and open my mouth.

“Steve,” I try. He doesn’t say anything to me and we sit in silence for a couple minutes

“Hava, why don’t you go eat your lunch somewhere else?” Tony says to me. I don’t say anything instead I take the plate and glass and leave.

 

I eat outside of the kitchen, racking my brain for some way to take everything I just said back. An hour later and way past when I’m done eating, Sam leaves the room. He stops in front of me. He doesn’t say anything to me and keeps walking; I stand up and lean against the door.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” Tony says. “She’s so hot and cold- it’s infuriating to work with her.”

“She’s been through a lot,” Natasha says. “And Steve, you know she’s been through a lot.”

“She still can’t act like a bitch, not like that anyway,” Tony replies. 

“It’s justifiable,” Natasha said. “Her mother left her when she was a little, she was raped and forced to do things she had no control over and still has to face the consequences for something like that. I’m sorry if that makes it so she doesn’t want to jump right into a relationship.”

“She… Natasha, you and I both know she knows exactly how cold she can be. That was meant to hurt Steve,” Tony says. “I’ll get her to apologize.”

“She’s only apologizing if she means it. And Steve, you know she didn’t mean what she said. She’s probably regretting it right now,” Natasha argues for me. 

“She still said it. She’s an adult, Natasha-”

“Who wasn’t raised by anyone!” Natasha yells. Well, she’s not completely wrong. “Who knows how Asgardians are truly raised? Her dad was always away and her mom left her. We’re all she has right now and we have to get that emotionally she’s like a fourteen-year-old girl. She’s still a teenager, she’s only twenty.”

“You’re telling me this excuses her behavior?” Tony asks. Natasha must’ve nodded because Tony continues on. “Well… it doesn’t matter. She’s going with you either way.” I furrow my brows. Doesn’t everything that they just said point to me staying at the base?

“Let’s hope I can win her back,” Steve says, something finally. “She’s right. I should know better not to tell her something like that.”

“Why?” Tony asks.

“Every person in her life that’s told her that they love her has either abandoned her or died,” Steve says. “It’s not what she wants to hear.” Steve begins walking to the door and I panic and run down the hall and to the stairs and into my room. I collapse onto my bed and think. 

They were all right. Each one. I never thought of it that way. And now that shockingly scary, statistic is rattling my brain. 

 

Truth in truth, I do love Steve. I love him very much and I worry about moving our relationship too quickly. But, maybe I have to jump in. It’s been about a day since I overheard that conversation Steve hasn’t said anything to me and everyone has suggested that I just give him some space. Natasha has been bugging me with telling her what happened on the freeway, but it was such an intimate moment I can’t even begin to explain it. Right now, Natasha is talking about how much she adores these new brown boots she got. I look at her and chuckle. She took me away from the base to a little strip mall in California. 

“I actually really liked that one grey suede pair,” I admit. “They’re super sleek.”

“They have a thick heel. I don’t have long enough legs for that. You on the other hand… they’d look good on you,” Natasha says. “I saw a pair like them back in that one little boutique back there.”

“Let’s go to it after this then,” I offer. She nods and takes a sip of her latte. 

“So… you really won’t tell me about the freeway?” Natasha brings up again. I roll my eyes with a scoff.

“Nat!” I exclaim. “No, I’m not telling you about the freeway. Not in public, not in private… not ever.”

“I’ll squeeze it out of you,” Natasha says, confidently. I blink at her and slump my shoulders. I look away with annoyance and then back at her.

“No, you won’t,” I respond just as confidently. “I really am getting tired of the light manipulation.”

“Manipulation?” 

“Natasha, I’m not stupid. You took me here because Steve can’t even stand to be in the same room as me and you guys are constantly trying to make me feel better. Whenever I get sad, you guys scramble to cheer me up- it’s annoying.” 

Natasha’s green eyes blink at me and she puts down her cup. “Havallah, we do those things because we care about you. You don’t realize the effect you have on people- not just humans, everybody. You’re sweet, kind and you’re very likable. All we want is for you to be at your best and you haven’t been at your best for…”

“Never,” I clarify. 

“I wouldn’t say ‘never’,” Natasha chuckled, nervously. The sun was making her eyes twinkle with the way it was slowly setting. 

“It’s pitying- you’re sure it’s not pity?” I ask, referring back to her other monologue. “Because where I’m from what you’re doing is called pity.”

“Maybe at first. That’s what drew me in… I felt horrible for you. But, you got better and I realized you’re a smart, beautiful girl and I care. I try not too, especially with someone like you who… you remind me of myself, Hava. But, you are so much better than I am. Your natural instinct is to help people-mine wasn’t. I knew I was on the wrong side, but I… I didn’t know what to do.”

“Okay,” I say. I press my lips together and I groan. “Natasha… just because I tell you this doesn’t mean you win, okay?” Natasha blinked at me, she’s genuinely surprised.

“We were driving down the freeway and both Steve and I had been drinking. We got into a little tiff over my attraction to him and he said I still have feelings for Loki which pissed me off. Then, he kept talking about he was sure I liked him as much as he liked me and I started crying and told him that he was a really good guy, I didn’t deserve him things like that and then he kissed me. Then, he told me I was and I believed him,” I say. “And then, I didn’t really respond and went speeding down the highway and threw up on the side of the road.”

Natasha blinks at me and looks at her cup. “He hates that.”

“Vomit? So does everybody else.”

“No… the good guy speech. He loathes it,” Natasha said. “His whole life, he’s gotten that speech. I’ve given him that speech.”

“Mmm,” I nod. Wait, what did she just say? “Wait what do you mean?”

“Steve… I’ve told him the same thing before,” Natasha said, sheepishly taking a sip of her drink.

“What?” I yip. “What are you talking about?”

Natasha puts her cup down and her lips turn into a tight pout. “There was a time where I think Steve may have felt a little for me and I for him.”

“That’s it?” I clarify.

“Yes,” Natasha nods. I roll my eyes and give her a little more of a push. “There was a kiss.”  _ Sweet Angel of Havallah! _

“Oh my god,” I gasp. “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“Well, it was when we were running from HYDRA/SHIELD so… we used it as a distraction,” Natasha explained. I blink at her and then look at the half-eaten cookie on my plate. 

“Okay…” I accept. I suppose I can’t really get that upset over this, it was way before Steve and I even began seeing one another like that. “Still why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s not important,” Natasha said. “And it doesn’t change anything. He only has eyes for you.”

 

Another three days of Steve not talking to me. It’s starting to drive me insane because I can’t be the first one to talk to him. Although, I really don’t feel like getting up at all today I do and get dressed in some clothes and go downstairs. I sit down next to Sam, who’s in his normal breakfast wear which is his workout clothing. I take the box of cereal next to him and pour a bowl and then pour in the milk. He watches me strangely, crunching down on the cereal.

“You okay?” Sam asks. I nod and take a bite with a spoon already set for me. 

“How was your run?” I ask, and shove down another bite.

“Fine… good,” Sam says. “I’m almost five for five.” Five minutes for a mile for five days straight.

“Good job,” I nod again. I hear stirring behind me and Steve comes into the kitchen, he looks at me furrowing his eyebrows and takes a banana. He starts peeling it and leans against the counter.

“Why are you eating that?” He asks. I look at Sam, but he’s looking at me.  _ Oh!  _ He’s talking to me. I look at him now. “You hate Life.” I look at the cereal box and then back at him.

“Oh…” I mumble. “Things change.”

“Do they?” Steve replies, bitterly. He takes the banana and leaves the kitchen and I blink at my cereal and then get up and follow the banana eating man. 

 

“Steve!” I call out behind him. He stops at the top of the stairs. “Hey… can we talk?”

He takes another bite of the banana. “I’m busy, Hava.” Then he turned and walked to his room, making sure I hear the door slam.  _ I hate bananas.  _

 

It was like this for another three days. 

 

He would come in and ask me one question, something stupid like if I slept well last night or if I had any plans that day. I’d respond, but it’s driving me crazy. So I’m deciding now to skip breakfast because if Steve asks me another sarcastic question or something he could give a shit about, I will lose my own shit. So, at the moment, I’m in my room trying to get some more sleep. Yesterday, Wanda and I went to take down some terrorist threat and it took like fifteen hours of us on the move. The President thanked me and then asked to discuss my pay, which I had not given much thought to- he was willing to give me (get the real number) grand for the first rescue op because that’s how much it would’ve cost to do what I did with a team of men. Then, he told me that this was about ten thousand and I just agreed. I don’t care about money all that much. Natasha says I should because one day I’ll need it, but I hear earth money is not even made of real gold.

After hours of listening intently on terrorists and translating the language to the team, my head is sort of swirling. Not with pain as if I can’t do something like that it’s that I don’t. It’s equivalent to warming up a car just to never drive in it. It’s comfortable and ready, but now you’re just going to turn it off. 

My middle fingers are lying flat above my eyebrows, rubbing gently. I can hear practically every single person in the entire facility even picking up hints of Steve and Natasha. I block those out, the same way I block the others ones out. So many of them flurry in and out that they all overlap and become one big blob. You can’t even listen to any if you wanted too. This method is exactly how I survive big crowded places if I was an amateur or let’s face it… a human with this type of capability, I would surely go insane. I’ll admit it was nice having Vision blocking people out, but I know it must’ve tired him. 

I roll onto my side and look out the window. I pull the covers over my shoulders and burrow my head deeper into my pillow. I close my eyes and drift to sleep. 

What seems to be literally two minutes later, there’s an intense knocking at my door. When I finally open my eyes to answer the door, it’s completely dark out and my bedside clock reads 8:04. I grumble and step out of my bed. I roll my shoulders back, stretching out any kinks and answer my door. Steve is standing there with his hands in his pockets. He’s wearing blue jeans and a dark brown leather jacket. I stare at him for a second and his eyes are looking at my body up and down. I remember what I’m wearing and furrow my brows. I’m wearing a sweatshirt and fuzzy short shorts. Oh… this is his. Steve sighs and leans against my doorway.

“Look…” Steve begins. “I’m sorry for asking you to come in with me. You were right, we were moving slow and… I tried to rush it.”

I lick my lips nervously and begin to smile. “I’m sorry for being a bitch.”

Steve smirks and comes off the doorway. He starts to walk towards me, but I put a finger on his chest stopping him from hugging me.

“Wait… I heard your conversation with Tony and Natasha,” I confess. “You were all right… I… can be a lot to handle. And I’m gonna try to work on it and not thinking about myself so much. You need me to come with me and so I’m going with you.”

Steve smirks turns into a small, lovey smile. “Okay.”

“And we should just jump into it,” I say too. “Let’s just jump into it.”

Steve smiles all the way now and takes my face in his hands. “I really do love you.”

I giggle and open my mouth to say it back, but Steve interrupts me. “You don’t have to say it right now, okay?”

“Okay,” I agree with him. Steve leans down to kiss me and meets my lips with a sweet kiss. I continue kissing him and my hands get wrapped up in his hair. Steve switches his hands onto my hips, bringing me into him so our hips align. My hands switch cross behind his neck and my head tilts as our kiss deepens. His tongue and mine begin a little dance in our mouths and I let out a sweet moan. He moans back at me as he hugs me close to him. I didn’t want to leave his side. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! We finally get to see Heimdall! Also, I made a big mistake in earlier chapters it's not a key to the Bifrost its a key to the casket of ancient winters! I am so sorry I totally didn't realize this and so its fixed in this chapter. Also there's mention of the rape and stuff in this chapter so trigger warning.

In the lazy early morning of the next day, my cheek wiped against Steve’s chest moving the little bit of sweat between us. We’re surrounded by my comforter and Steve’s fast asleep. My eyes begin to adjust to the grey light entering in through the windows. My ears start to pick up on Steve’s snoring and a smile comes across my face as I sit up and roll out of my bed. The air out of the bed is cold and desperately, I want to climb back in, but I have a video call with the Secretary of Defense and the buffoons this morning. I have to put some clothes on and mentally prepare for all of this. I look back at Steve and hop back onto the bed, rumbling him from his slumber. The second I do, his eyes open hazily just allowing me to see a little bit of color.

“What are you doing?” He moans. I smile at him and take my computer from the other side of my bed. 

“I have a conference call,” I sigh. He sits up more and takes my hips and moves me towards him for a kiss.

“Can you skip it?” He asks. “And just lay here with me for a little longer?” His voice is super husky and the way his hands in a hot possessive way are bundling my shorts, scratching my skin makes me want to pounce. I get onto my knees and climb on top of him while his hands rest on my hips and kiss him. I run my hands through his sweaty blond hair and he sits up, hugging me into him. As the kiss deepens, he stops us. “Wait.” So, I stop and stare at him. He smoothes some of my hair. “We need to talk about something.”

I smile just a little and nod. “Okay.” I lean back to Steve’s lips, but he really stops me now. 

“Havallah,” He says, seriously now. He’s a little upset with me and so I stop. 

“What?” I ask. His eyes are hardened and he forces me off his lap and next to him. Silence looms around us for a couple minutes and I feel chills run up my spine with the air around us. I looked at him and Steve’s looking at his hands or his knees I’m not sure. “You're making me a little nervous, Rogers.”

“You were raped,” he says.  _ Okay…. Yes, I know. _ I furrow my eyebrows and my eyes begin to sting. “I’m not going to just… I can’t- Us having sex is a big deal. For both of us. I mean have you ever thought about that? That you’ve never consensually had sex with someone?”

I look at him, horrified. His stance doesn’t change. “Steve…”

“We’re not doing that. That’s what I’m saying,” He says. I look away from him.

How is it possible for him to…  _ Odin’s Beard!  _ How is it possible that he can do that and just peer into my soul and just… how it that he knows all my trigger points? What buttons to push to get me to… I don’t know if I want to punch him in the face, kick him out or… love him harder.

“Steve,” I scold at him. He hasn’t broken his staring. I can feel his eyes on mine and I know he sees my tears on my cheeks. I shouldn’t be mad, but he just… I finally look at him and now his eyes change into remorse. “Stop.” I have no clue what he is seeing, but I assume it’s my wrath. My fury. “I was raped once. The other times I… I let him.”

“Did you want it?” Steve replies back quickly, a little heated. 

I reply in the same fashion, “Maybe.”

“Maybe? That’s the best you can give me?” Steve says. My relationship with Loki bothers him I realize now. He doesn’t understand how I can love him still after the… well after I told him I didn’t but I so clearly do.

“Yes, I wanted it,” I say, calmer. 

“How!” He says, still loud. I grind my teeth and fold my arms.

“Well, do remember that I didn’t know I was raped. That I didn’t remember the memory until recently. So, yes the times after that I blindly fell in love with him and when you love someone no matter what they do… you have a soft spot for them… you’ll always love them. That’s what love does.”

He doesn’t argue with that. 

“I can see your point. I haven’t had true sex and I would like that with you. A man I trust, care about and-”

“Don’t say it,” Steve interrupts. “I told you.”

“Fine, a man I deeply care about,” I respond. Steve smiles and shakes his head.

“You haven’t seen all of me. My… the darker side,” Steve said. I smile at this.

“And you haven’t seen mine,” I reply. Steve furrows his brows. “And you think when we argue that’s when I rear my ugly head. I think you still have a lot to learn, Rogers.”

Before he can answer, the phone by my bed rings. I crawl towards it and answer. It’s Tony telling me to come downstairs for the video call, apparently, I sort of missed the one on my computer. I give in to his demands and begin to get dressed. 

 

I come downstairs, my hair completely flat ironed against my back and tucked behind my ears. I’m wearing a black leather jacket with metal buttons and the usual straps and just because black leather pants to match. My boots click against the tile floor and I interrupt the call between Tony, the buffoons and the Secretary of Defense. She’s a woman! 

“Here she is now,” Tony smiles and turns towards me. “Where the hell were you?” He mumbles the second his face is shielded. 

“I’m here now,” I reply with a small shrug. 

“Havallah, this is the Secretary of Defense, Tara Wright,” Tony introduces me to the screen faces. She’s an older woman in her late fifties maybe, with shoulder length placid and horribly awful, washed out brown hair. She smiles at me.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Tara smiles. 

“All good things I hope,” I reply. “Good morning, Matthew and Mr. Secretary.”

They both greet me and Tara tries not to be baffled that I just called the President by his first name.

“We were just discussing Tony’s work with our missile defense program,” Matthew said. 

“Yes, and the fact that it doesn’t work,” Tony cuts in. “Not with the stunt, a General Quadir Rahal Naziri pulled last year.” Tony brings up, on a tablet, pictures of destruction. A tropical island covered in black ash and blood. I take it from him and inspect, I swipe and find other pictures of different places. A village near Sokovia. Half of some city in the Netherlands. 

“What is this?” I ask.

“Something we’ve kept under wraps for a while now,” Matthew said. “General Quadir has access to nuclear warheads, teams of assassins, everything the U.S. has and maybe more. He’s the dictator of a small country near Iran.” Tony brings up a map on the tablet and Quadir’s country is starred. 

“We had negotiations with General Quadir,” Toddy sighs. “But, those went awry and fortunately and unfortunately, we were able to use Tony’s system to intercept three missiles, large enough to sink the Caribbean, at the same time and stop the massive destruction. However, now the General knows we’re unequipped.”

“What do you want me to do?” I ask. 

“Well, what happens if you’re hit with a nuclear warhead?” Tara says, bluntly. 

I begin to smile and chuckle.  “I don’t know. Never gotten hit before.”

“Are you willing to try it?” Toddy asks. Tony frowns and scoffs. I look at Tony and think. Nuclear power and energy is strong, but not stronger than plasma, laser and various other magic power. I remember that if hit with a plasma blast, it takes an Asgardian down and down badly. Laser blasts, singe but not kill and magic well who really knows. If I was hit with a nuclear blast, it would hurt and nuclear energy just is unpredictable really. It needs to expand so if I was hit in the air, as long as there are no birds or planes, no damage except to whatever I’m wearing. 

“I’d survive,” I answer to Tara’s question. “As long as that’s it. Let’s say this is a ‘spiced up’ bomb with other types of energy. It would hurt and put me out of the game.”

“What about intercepting one?” Matthew asks. “If one was headed for Washington D.C., would you make it up fast enough to intercept it and dispose of it?”

“How much time do I have?”

“Five minutes,” Matthew says. 

“Maybe,” I say. The three of them sigh, disappointed. “Why?”

“General Quadir has threatened nuclear bombs against the U.S.,” Tony explains. “We can’t bomb them back because it would blow his little country out of existence and then some.”

“This threat is real?” I ask them. “Him actually bombing the United States?”

“Yes, Havallah,” Matthew answers. I begin to chew on my fingernails and think. I can’t say that I could do something like that. I can fly relatively fast, but I have no idea how fast and if the wind is different, who knows?

“We could always run a couple tests,” Tara says. 

“Don’t forget thermodynamics,” Tony counts in. “We’ll have to see if that suit of yours catches on fire. Last time I checked, you could easily go 4000 m/s in it. Exhausting all your energy and I mean all of it, 5000 m/s. Constantly, running at a pace I’d put you at 3000 m/s. Still fuc- still fast.”

I smirk and look at the screen people. “There you go.” 

“So it could be close,” Tara says. “You getting that missile would be us cutting it close.”

“Why don’t we take the missiles?” I say. “With some help, I could do that.”

Toddy begins to laugh and shake his head. “You’re not invincible. That’s insane.”

“Maybe not,” Tony says, thinking. “Vision and Wanda, with some training could be of assistance. Rhodes and I could be back up. It may work. You sent over the maps and files. It would exhaust Hava, but… she’s willing. An operation like that could be the extent of her powers.”

“That’s insane,” Toddy says, again. “Insane! No person is able to possess a power to de-arm a nuclear base. They’re not stupid, they have the venom that was used in the White House incident. They know she’s on our side.”

“What about detaining the base?” Tara asks. “If it all goes wrong, her, Vision and Wanda Maximoff could detain something like that.”

“A complete nuclear explosion?” Toddy argues. 

“Wanda can’t… I don’t think she’d be able to do something like that. That’s insane, now holding off one… probably. Even with Vision and my help, she wouldn’t be much help because that’s a lot of energy and I couldn’t.”

“Okay, what about your ice powers?” Matthew says. I furrow my eyebrows.

“What about them? Sometimes in the heat of the moment, an icicle shard makes an experience, but only when it wants really. It bugs me, too.”

“Well, how do they work?” Matthew asks. “Thaddeus explained that it’s under your fingernails, but  besides that what else do they do?” 

I look at Tony and then at my fingers. I have never actually summoned the ice except for when I was under Loki’s spell. Apparently, that was seen enough for SHIELD to classify me as “Ice Princess”. Lucky for them, Thor came around and told them that I could do a lot more than that. Maybe now’s the time. 

I concentrate for a second and in seconds beneath my feet, ice pours out.

“Maybe we try this later, not in the conference room,” Tony says. He looks at the screen. “We’ll go run some tests now and call a meeting to come up with a plan. Bye-bye.” Tony ends the call. 

I still haven’t moved because there is no ice under my fingernails, it just started out from feet. 

“Havallah, go get dressed,” Tony orders. “Hava.”

I move from the ice and it follows me under my feet. Again, I concentrate and the ice stops. 

“Meet me in the training barracks, go put your suit on,” Tony says. I finally agree to his orders and leave.

 

The one simulation room we have is with all the other training facilities, but this room is completely surrounded by this mesh material except for a glass box at the top of it with controls. Tony injected a little bit of adrenaline in me, so my heart’s pounding and Tony sits there now, playing with his little levers as the lights change and the mesh turns to forest. Birds swing around my head and as I admire a raven that flocks around. Something knocks me to the ground.

 

When I look back up, the box is gone and the floor is dirt. The glass box is gone and I turn in circles before realizing I have to run through the simulation, it’s the only way it’ll be over for one and I want to know the extent of my powers too. So I stumble through the forest, touching the trees and even smiling at the fact that it smells like oak and extra mossy. There’s a layer of fog on the ground and it’s even a little slippery.

For the simulation, I changed into my suit. The blueish white, flowy one with the Avengers logo on the hip. On the belt is a pair of angel wings, the same ones described in Norse mythology and Christianity. My hair is pulled back into a high ponytail with no single hair from it except the curls of my baby hair around my ears. 

It feels a little wrong to wander around a forest without a weapon, but my entire body is on the alert and as I make my way towards a river. Ice creeps under my nails, I try not to seethe at the pain but it hurts more than usual. I turn all sorts of ways to find something sets me off, but as the time passes soon my fingers are completely ice and the trees are covered in a light frost. I clench my fists waiting for a jump scare: none have come. I turn to the river, peering at my reflection trying to relax, thinking maybe all my senses are heightened for the reason that I know none of this is real. The longer I stare at the reflection, something odd happens. Ice creeps around my eyes, the same as when I upset the magic by trying to pull the ring off my finger years ago. I touch the cracks, but unlike before they don’t disappear. Something hurdles towards me as I hear hooves stamp by and an arrow races by almost getting my throat. I stand up and brace myself for the fighting and an army of centaurs race down through the oaks. 

I float into the airs, arms pointed and hands braced. The ice, however, takes out the first row of them, but they multiply and as the ice takes out many more, I land on my feet. I throw a centaur over my head, hearing its bones crack and it goes flying into the river. I turn back to the others and I watch the ice as it flows through the air and takes them out five at a time and I wonder if this magic is really mine. 

An arrow pierces through my stomach and a genuine pain strikes. I look at who delivered this and my own magic spooks out and hits said person. It comes back to my hand and the centaurs change into human warriors and they come with their spears. They begin to circle around me and the ice dies down and stops. Some I feel rush back to me. I point my hands ready to yield them in some way, however, as more and more come and they get closer I realize now why the arrow pierced me. It was vibranium tipped. Thinking of the arrow, I pull it out and gasp. I feel healing, but it doesn’t help that it was wedged on my liver. 

I close my eyes and begin to stumble, but a newfound energy bubbles underneath the surface. As it does, my magic, my own energy changes shape. It’s now a strong white ring around my hands. As I clench my fist, it turns into a white fist of power and it feels familiar but newborn. Not like magic, but some sort of… psychic energy. Something that I have always had abundantly and now… here it is. 

In its own shape and form, my own energy. The reason why magic has come easy and why the Casket Key loves me. I move my hand up and the ring moves too. I point it at one of the human warriors with a small smirk. This is new. Simply thinking about it, a white ring flies towards him and he goes flying back. The rest of the warriors stand perplexed. I point it at another and with a twist, the ring expands from my hand onto him and suddenly I feel emptiness. His emptiness because he’s not real. He falls to the ground, almost seizing and I let go of my grip on him and he catches a breath. That is not how I want him.

I squeeze my hand and his neck cracks. 

His life in my hand.

I know there’s more to this. I choose another warrior and the ring circles around him pulling him into the air. He struggles to get out of it and I throw him across the forest. Again, a ring circles another warrior, but instead I squeeze and the ring begins getting tighter and tighter. 

I wonder if I could do this at the same time. Another ring appears and pick them up and more and more until…

 

I gasp awake in a cold sweat on the mats of the training barracks. From the box, I see Steve notice I’m awake and rush out of the box. Tony notices too and follows. I try to stand up, but as I do I just fall back with a heavy thump. 

My blood moves through my veins like lead and holds me down involuntarily. 

The door opens and Steve rushes in and touches my neck. He says something, but I can’t hear him. Tony comes over me too, touching my face and immediately pressing his hands to my chest.

I realize now I only hear two heartbeats in the room. And both of them are spinning out of control.

A pressure pushes where my heart should be. 

I don’t hear my breathing either. Only there’s. But no voices, like every time I try to listen they get caught in the wind. Tony opens the lips of my mouth and breathes in some air. His emotion carries through me.

_ Come on, Hava! Come on! _

Steve’s arms wrap around the back of my knees and his hands support my head and he carries me out of the room. He turns towards the infirmary, running as Tony tries to keep up and surprisingly does. 

Swirls of voices and too many to even begin to hear what they’re saying, but I’m set on a gurney. The head doctor, Michael looks over me and calls to his nurses and fellow doctors. Michael turns to Steve and Tony and begins asking them questions. Nurses try ripping off my suit, but Steve leans over and does it for them. 

It would be hot if I didn’t have a single clue what was happening to me. 

Stickers are attached to my chest and the paddles hit. I lift and rise with a thump.  

They go again. No change.

Steve turns away from me and looks at Tony, who is biting on his thumb waiting for me to miraculously come back. Tony turns to a nurse and tells her something. She nods.

They hit me again and I don’t feel a single volt of electricity sparkle.

In the corner, my father stands in his armor and he looks a little different from when I last saw him. He must’ve rushed down.

I suppose me without a heartbeat or anything really means my curtain faded.

Or fell crashing down. 

He holds something in his hand. 

The others see him too and immediately are concerned, they ask who he is and Steve and Tony stare in astonishment. He pushes through the questioners. 

In his hand is a bright yellow flame. Life.

He holds it over me and then gently, with a fatherly touch, pushes it into my chest.

 

Consciousness and voices. 


	13. Chapter 13

Oxygen. My beloved wife. The thing I take for granted every day and claim I don’t need, but the second it's taken away I lose my mind.

 

I sit up, gasping for something anything and fall into my father’s arms. He smells like our home on Asgard and faintly of roasted deer. He takes me into his arms and holds me closer. And I feel myself, renew as I clench onto him.

 

“Uhm… I’m sorry, who the hell are you?” Tony asks. I furrow my eyebrows in a mumble to something. Heimdall lays me back down and looks at Tony, his eyes becoming darker.

“Her father,” Heimdall says. I giggle and the men and doctors look at me. Michael checks my pulse and watches my heart rate on the monitor. Steve inches closer; his brows are in a tight v shape.

_ Odin’s Beard!  _ My eyes aren’t open. I’m just… seeing them. All of this.

I open them now and it’s as if I’ve merely switched lenses. I went from a tight focus to my own two eyes. I try to say something, but Michael shushes me and brings up the rails on the gurney.

“You’re Heimdall?” Tony says, his eyes are glued to my father.

“Yes,” Heimdall nods. “You’re Tony. And you’re Steve and Natasha is coming down the hall. Along with Wanda and the stone.”

“And how do you know- right, the whole watchman thing,” Tony sighs.

“And you hold guardianship over my daughter? It doesn’t seem like you’ve been watching her very well,” Heimdall sighs back. He goes into a stance, one reserved for when he used to yell at my mother. Especially if she just let me roam around the house. “Thor assured me that you would take care of her.”

“We were just running a training exercise. It got a little out of control,” Tony defended.

“She almost died,” Heimdall replied with an edge. He folded his arms and glared at Tony with an obvious intention of scaring the shit out of him. It worked.

Tony began to stammer and looked at Steve, whose golden glow was now dimmed. Michael, who has been writing down orders and barking them at doctors tells them to put me in room three.

 

Natasha, Wanda, Sam, and Vision all appear in the infirmary. My father sits in a chair watching me stare at the big glass doors. I haven’t been able to say anything, but when Heimdall tells me that when Natasha arrived she suggested to Tony that he gives me and my father some alone time. I look over at him and he looks at me raising an eyebrow. He takes off his helmet and I see his hair has grown a tad longer. He unclips where his sword hangs and lays it on the small table. The infirmary rooms are usually used for long-term recovery and since my voice is gone, I may be here a while.

There’s a dresser in the corner along with a door to a bathroom to my right. Above the dresser is a small mirror and a little light fixture; the table and chairs are to the other side of me. Then, a small couch near the dresser with a coffee table. There’s a fern in the middle.

_ You’re being rude  _  I say to him, knowing damn well he can hear me.  _ Those are my friends. _

_ Havallah, you are my daughter. My only kin. I don’t want my visits here to be to bring you back to life. You know you have to come home now. _

_ Ha! Yes, I almost died so I am coming home, Papa. Not like I have a life here or anything  _  I bite at him.  _ I like it here. _

_ Of course, you do, it’s complete chaos  _ Heimdall replies and ends the conversation. He looks over to where Tony is talking to Natasha. She’s still trying to keep him out.  _ Now her… I like. _

_ Ugh!  _ I groan and turn over in my bed and face the other way. I’m happy to see my father, really… but now he’s set in his way that I will return to Asgard with him and bore myself to death there.

_ I heard that. _

“Of course you did!” I turn over yelling at him.

“I’m glad you’re talking now,” Heimdall says. “I was worried that I was too late with the flame.”

“That now I’m some undead monster?” I reply. “Dad, can we please turn this into a genuine visit?”

“You would like me to forget what brought me down here in the first place?” Heimdall asks. “I know you can take care of yourself, Havallah. I have always known that I trained you to be like that. But, you don’t have to anymore. That’s all.”

“Why a change of heart? You said you always wanted me to be the best, the better,” I tell him.

“Because when I saw your curtain start flickering, I knew there was a problem. I knew you were not truly gone when you fell into that abyss, but what happened just a couple hours ago I felt you gone. You were fading from me, Havallah.”

The things in the room, including the dresser and table, begin to hover inches above the ground.

My lips form a pout and I scrunch my arms. The same way I did when I was a child and he would tell me that I couldn’t stay up late or that I would have to say goodbye to Lilabelle, my goat.

He stands and towers over me. “Don’t,” Heimdall says.

However, I will choose to ignore him the way I always did when I was a child.

The items drop to the floor with a thump as I let out a little scream.

“Havallah!” Heimdall yells. “Fine. We’ll do the visit.”

I smile and lean over and kiss his cheek.

“Thank you, Papa.”

 

After, my little tantrum and realizing my voice was back. Michael hooked me up to a bunch of machines for a little testing. I pleaded with him telling him that maybe I had already had enough for the day, but he said unlike earlier I may feel better after. My finger has a heart rate monitor and there are stickers on my temples and middle of my forehead. Michael orders me to get some rest. Natasha appears now in the doorway with her signature smirk.

“Your dad’s out there giving Tony a bad time,” Natasha sighs.

“Of course,” I sigh. Natasha sits on my bed and takes my hand.

“What was earlier?” Natasha asked. “The scream?”

“I needed to convince my father to make this a normal visit and not be…”

“A parent?” Natasha asked. “Isn’t that what you always wanted?”

“No.” I look at my father, who is drinking a cup of water and Wanda is talking to him. Listening to one of his crazy stories. “If I did, I would’ve asked. I like what I have with my dad. Sure, I always miss him even when he’s standing right next to me, but… it’s just cause of lost time.”

“Why did you need to scream?” Natasha asked.

“Because it overloads his senses when  _ I  _ do,” I explain. “My father has an extra keen eye to me which allows for me to keep a curtain. But, when I drop it, it’s as if he is standing there with me and then since he is actually standing by and I don’t have one…”

“The scream is extra loud.” Natasha shakes her head. “That’s harsh.”

“I use it wisely… honestly, I knew that he would accept I wouldn’t be going back with him and he’d leave. I want him to stay for a little longer.”

“Why not ask?” Natasha sighs, knowing that I have an answer.

“My father’s wise, but when it comes to me it's his way and only his… unless I do that.”

After a moment’s silence, Natasha squeezes my hand, with her eyes somewhat tearful. “You were out for a while.”

I blink at her emotions and force a nervous smile. “Nat… it was nothing. Everybody is being so… dramatic. I’m fine.”

“Almost two hours,” Natasha states. “You scared the shit out of Steve.”

I say nothing and close my mouth. “Speaking of which, where is he?”

“Tony made him sit down… he… wasn’t feeling good,” Natasha says. She’s lying or there’s more to that than she’s letting on.

“They’re not arguing are they?” To my question, Natasha shakes her head. I turn over in my bed and sigh. “I’ve been doing this a lot.”

“Doing what?” Natasha says, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I turn back to her. “Working myself to my limits. I never use to have to be put in hospital beds and… told to relax.”

“Whatever that venom was, it incapacitated a person within seconds, Havallah. You were still able to take down a jet-”

“But, not the explosion and it ended with me on a fence,” I tell her. I sit up and lean a bit closer. “Now this…? What if I’m off? What if whatever that was it… threw off my DNA?”

Natasha looks stunned and before she can answer, the doors slide open. Standing there is Thaddeus, Matthew, and Tara.

“The room, Ms. Romanoff,” Thaddeus says. Tony comes in behind them and shuts the door the moment Natasha leaves.

“Before we say anything-” Matthew begins.

“Amazing,” Tara shrills. “You’re amazing. Incredible, great!”

I look at Tony, who looks away from me and I have to wonder what’s going on. I see behind them that my father is gone and so are Wanda and everyone else.

“Anyway, Havallah, you are an incredible asset to the US government and without you, I would probably be dead and our world would be nothing but dust… which is why we need more of you,” Matthew says.

I am completely taken aback by what just came out of Matthew’s mouth. He must be insane… he must! My face, however, is still composed. He moves closer to me and sits on the bed. He is now even more eager to change my mind.

“You’re familiar with the Super Soldier program… imagine if there were more Steve Rogers in the world… how much good our world would have. And with more of you, it would be a safe haven, a true heaven. Peacekeepers-”

“Stop talking,” I say, suddenly. “Get out.”

“Havallah, if you’d just listen to what he had to say-” Tara intervenes. She moves closer to my bedside too.

“Get out!” I yell. “No… no. You’re not making another one of me because it’s impossible. My DNA is nothing compared to a human’s and I’m not even… I’m only half Asgardian. I can’t be replicated because it’s a miracle I’m here in the first place. The more and more you copy something, the more and more it becomes less like the original. Every time you want to replicate me, you’ll have to start from complete scratch and start with a super soldier anyways because that testing, that replicating almost killed Wanda.”

“Well, how did she survive?” Tara asked.

“Because… humans can utilize magic, but it’s also a lot of believing and humans have to see to believe. By the time Wanda was almost dead, the magic was there to refurbish her and turn her into something new… now imagine someone with a different psyche… it would be catastrophic.”

“How would you feel if we told you there’s already another one of you in the works?” Thaddeus said. Matthew and Tara glare at him. “Would you take the time and destroy it?”

That’s the real question. Not this… clone business. But… this, they need another one.

“Of course.” At this moment, I’m thankful for Thaddeus. He knew I would say no. “It’d be difficult if it’s anything like me.”

“Well, we’ll brief you and the team as soon as you’re ready,” Thaddeus says and walked out. Matthew and Tara were disappointed that I didn’t jump for joy at the plan, but what did they expect?

  
  


At 2 am, I hear the doors of my room swish open. I turn over and look to see Steve coming in. He looks at me with wide eyes as if surprised to see me awake. He’s dressed in a white long-sleeved camo with grey jeans. He hasn’t gone to bed because he looks extremely disheveled. My father is upstairs in a room right next to mine, but Tony is on the couch. Steve has coffee in his hand and forces a smile.

“How you feelin’?” Steve asks.

“Fine,” I answer to him. Steve sets the coffee on the table and moves through the room and to my bedside.

“Good. I’m glad you’re feeling better,” He says, with a dopey type smile.

“Mm…” I moan back at him. “What’re you doing drinking coffee so early?”

“I uhm... I wanted to be awake when you woke up,” Steve says.

“Really?” I ask. I move so I sit on my knees and take his hands. “I know this scared you.”

“Scared me?” Steve chuckles, nervously. “Hava, you scared the shit out of me.”

“I know-”

“And now your father's here and he's upset. And he has no idea that we're dating and I... this is a lot to handle.” Steve's eyes are shaking like when you touch the surface of a small pond. “And now there's this whole clone thing... Havallah, I never thought I'd have to worry about physically protecting you. And now, I know I really can't because the things that can kill you would have probably already gone through me. You're immensely strong and I love it, I love that about you... and it's new, that's all. It's just really new.”

I don't respond and only keep looking at him. He leans over and gives me a small kiss, but in such a kiss, I feel him. The same way that I can feel Tony and why it makes it easier for me to comfort him: I know what he's thinking.

My poor, sweet Steve. The inconsiderable amount of unnecessary pain that I have caused him just by my mere existence. I've never stopped to think about how he feels through all of this, watching the person he loves admit that they have a horrible disgusting amount of rage that is meant for themselves.

And forget him watching my pain, I have to stop and think about his own. Steve has never been one to throw himself a pity party, but I think he may deserve one. Every person that he has ever loved is gone, dead except for two... Peggy and Bucky. Peggy is old in the end stage of her life, but Bucky... he's the same age as Steve. He is his best friend and he's still here and he's being denied that. The one lifeline back to his old life.

“I love you.” A small tear runs down Steve’s cheek. “I love you, Steve.”


	14. Chapter 14

The sound of birds chirping and the early fog that sits on the lake surrounds my father and I. We sit on the edge of the water with his sword and knives next to us. Underneath the water of the lake, I can hear the fish swim past as my father can too.

This is a long-standing tradition among us. We would go find some lake in the woods and get there early and listen for the perfect fish. Any conversation we would do telepathically. He used to make me dive underneath sometimes to wrangle with a fish when I was younger, but when I got older, I refused to go under anymore and would use my magic to bring it back to the surface.

_ I'm glad we're doing this _ My father says. _ It's been a while _

_ I know... and for that I'm sorry. I realized that I need to grow up. _

_ Ha! You couldn't have realized that when you were still on Asgard?  _ He looks over at me and sees I'm not smiling.  _ Havallah, you have always been older than you were. It's what happens when I'm never there. _

_ But, that's not your fault. You have a job to uphold. A duty- _

_ Yes and I also have a duty to you as a parent.  _ Heimdall takes my hand. _ I could've been there more. _

_ Well, I won't argue there... You know sometimes I miss you even when you're right here. Right next to me. _

_ I know... I can feel it. _ Heimdall picks up a dagger and hands it to me. _ It wouldn't be tradition if I didn't make you practice. _

_ Don't you think I've had enough?  _ I smile and concentrate. A bass swims ten feet under the surface. I take the knife and aim it. I give it a throw just hard enough that it should penetrate and the fish right in the gill. The knife flies through the air and lodges itself in the fish, it chokes. Perfect.

_ Mmm... again.  _ Heimdall hands me another dagger. So, I do as he pleases and hit another fish. And then another, and another.

_ Now retrieve them.  _ Heimdall sighs. He looks over at me and I roll my eyes and put my hand up. Before I do, I haven't actually tried using my powers like this since the accident.  _ You're scared _

_ No... I just have had it off for a while _

_ You never turn it off... you're doing it right now _

_ But, did you see what I was doing? What was I feeling, Papa? It used to take an effort to do something like that and at that moment, it was so easy I wondered why I never did it all the time.  _ Heimdall looks away from me and at the lake. Black magic swirls around us and all the fish lays between us.  _ How come I can do this? _

“I'm a magic user, Hava. A good one, it's only natural that it passes to you,” Heimdall says.

“This isn't just magic.” I take the knife out of one fish. “It's psionics.”

“Mmm...” Heimdall nods and begins skinning the fish without its knife.

“Father, I know that my mother wasn't fully Asgardian,” I confess to him. Heimdall looks at me.

“And what do you think she was?”

“Something stronger than that.”

Heimdall chuckles, darkly and cuts the head off the fish. “Havallah... I know you missed her when you were younger, but your mother was nothing more than Asgardian. And it'll provide you no answer to why she left.”

“You've never lied to me before, Papa. Please don't start now.”

Heimdall sighs and sets the fish down. “I suppose you're old enough now... to tell you the story of how your mother and I met.”

 

She has strikingly copper colored eyes and does the same thing with her lips as I do when I'm anxious. Moving them, subconsciously side to side, sucking them in and blowing out oxygen... something she didn't necessarily need either.

It's crowded too. She's on the planet, Noningheim in a bar. She's drumming her fingers against the countertop and nervously orders some type of drink. She sees the person she's waiting for. A woman with almost black brown hair and crystal blue eyes, she has pale skin and looks older than my mother. She kisses my mother's cheek.

“Valoria, you look good,” The woman says. Valoria frowns at her.

“You said you'd bring it, Mormonia” Valoria said. “I don't see it.”

Mormonia rolls her eyes and slides my mother a small box. Valoria smiles and tucks it into the pocket of her dress. It's a green mini dress popular then with the little frills. She wears a gold band around her arm.

“You're not even going to sagoodbyeye to me?” Mormonia asks. Valoria leans over and kisses Mormonia. Mormonia enjoys every second of it and pets my mother's cheek with one hand and keeps the other on dear mummy's thigh. “See, now was that so hard?”

Valoria sighs and moves Mormonia's hand. “No.” Mormonia gets up with a scoff and leaves. Valoria takes the rest of her drink and looks down the bar. The man sitting there is my father, enjoying a drink and reading something.

Valoria smirks and takes a sip of her newly filled drink. “Hi.” She says to him.

Heimdall looks up. “Hi.”

“What you readin'?” Valoria asked. Her voice is hoarse, but sweet... sounding a bit like me.

“Nothing you've read I'm sure,” Heimdall replies.

“And how do you know that? I'm a little bit of a wild card,” Valoria smiles. She moves down a couple of benches. “Mmm... Asgardian literature, specifically, Asa's Battle.”

“You're correct,” Heimdall nods. Valoria stares at him and they chuckle. “Never read it?”

“No,” Valoria sighs. “You know where I can read it?”

Heimdall nods for her to go on. “Your bed... tomorrow morning.”

Heimdall looks at her and puts the book down. “I've seen you here before-”

“And I never noticed you and those delicious muscles?”

“And... you go home with a new man every single time and then I never see them again... I like this bar, it's not loud and this is the only time I have to myself.”

“Why?” Valoria asks, taking a sip of his drink. He smirks at her as a sly smile comes onto her face. “Tell me... Asgardian.”

“I'm Heimdall, the watchman.”

Valoria chuckles, “So you do know how good I am in bed, yet you still won't sleep with me?”

“Well, Valoria... yes,” Heimdall answered. Valoria took another sip of his drink.

“I like you,” Valoria chuckled. “You're nice-ish and I think you'd have a lot to show me.”

“I'm not here to be your teacher.”

“Oh, Heimy... but I can be yours.”

 

Valoria kisses my father, roughly as he picks her up and takes her into the hotel room. This flash forward is about three months later after many more meetings like this.

“Heimy!” Valoria laughs as he throws her on the bed. He begins to remove his shirt and she does her dress and oh, sweet mother of all that is holy does he have to share this part? “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What?” Heimdall asks, taking my mother's half naked body into his arms. My mother wraps her long legs around his waist.

“Do you ever get lonely?” Valoria asked. Heimdall looks at her and moves back the strands of her reddish brown hair.

“Yes,” Heimdall answers.

“And wouldn't you prefer some company? Someone, to come home to?” Valoria asked. Heimdall looks at her, differently and furrows his brows.

“And you... Valoria, would like that?” Heimdall asks.

Valoria takes a deep breath and nods, “Yes, Heimy.”

Heimdall stares at her, thinking. “On a farm?”

“With hens? And cows?” Valoria smiled.

“Yes, with hens, cows, some pigs.”

“With our little children taking care of them?” Valoria asked. “If we had a couple of them, they'd take care of each other.”

“I'd like a couple of them,” Heimdall said.

“A son?” Valoria smiled.

“Or a daughter,” Heimdall answered. “But, not just one, a couple.”

“Of course,” Valoria chuckled. She kissed his cheek. “You live on a farm?”

“Yes,” Heimdall said. “There's a farmhouse, some grazing land and the house.”

“I'd love to see the house,” Valoria said.

“I'll take you there... right after this,” Heimdall smiled and laid her down.

 

I take two of the fish into my hands and drop them in the bucket next to me. My father does the same to the fish he gutted and takes the bucket. I stand up to head back because the sun is almost all the way out and it's eight o'clock. I was wearing a jean jacket with a white fur lining on the inside and I unbutton it.

“So, my mom was a dirty whore?” I ask Heimdall, aloud. He looks at me and sighs.

“Havallah,” Heimdall mumbles under his breath. “Yes.”

We both begin laughing and make our way to the base.

 

“Here...” I say to Sam and set a bucket of fish in front of his bowl of Life. He gawks at me and swallows the bite.

“What the hell is that?” Sam asks.

“You're always talking about how we never have fish... so here,” I say to him. He blinks at me and looks over at Wanda, who is on the couch reading a magazine and clicking her nails together.

“I think she's trying to be nice,” Wanda chuckles.

“Havallah, my dear sweet angel...” Sam begins. “Get that bucket of fish out of my fucking face.” I start to laugh and take the bucket and bring it to the sink. “Where'd you get that anyway?”

“The lake,” I sigh and take a big plate from the sink. I decided I'll cut the fish into filet so my father can get some of his watching done. Using a knife, I begin to cut pieces off the fish.

“We have fishing supplies?” Sam continues. I shake my head.

“Do you think me... of all people... uses a fishing pole to catch fish?” Sam sighs with a no. “Exactly.”

“You still want breakfast?” Sam asks. “Or I'll put this away.”

“No, I'm good... I ate before I left,” I say.

Entering the kitchen is Natasha and Steve who are both covered in a layer of sweat and in their workout clothes. I glance up at Steve and give him a small smile and he comes over to the sink and takes my hips in his hands. Before he can kiss the back of my neck, he frowns.

“What are you doing?” Steve asks.

Before I can answer, Natasha smiles. “You went fishing with your dad?”

“Yeah.” I put the bones of the fish back into the bucket and take out the next one and organize the filets on the plate.

“You hate fish,” Steve says. I click my tongue.

“I didn't used to… my father doesn't have to know that,” I mutter. Steve chuckles and sits next to Sam. Natasha turns on the coffee machine and leans next to me.

“Speaking of your father, where is he now?” Natasha asked. I glance at her and finish up my last fish. Thank the lord, my father did the big ones while we were at the lake.

“Why do you care, Nat?” I ask her, still with the knife in my hand. She raises an eyebrow and chuckles, nervously.

“I was just asking, Hava,” Natasha replies as nonchalant as she can. However, everybody else in the room notices exactly what I just did. I bite down on my jaw and look at Steve, who is smiling just a little to himself. Natasha is now folding her arms as if I've crossed a line.

“I may not be able to tell exactly what you're thinking, Nat... but I still know what you're thinking,” I reply, slyly. Natasha takes some skin off her lip.

“Havallah, I'm not thinking about your dad like that,” Natasha says. And I almost believe her.

“Shit, I would,” Sam mumbles. Steve snickers and makes himself a bowl of Life.

“Okay,” I shrug and begin to rinse off the knife. Natasha relaxes and as I begin to dry the knife. “By the way, my curtain is kind of down... so he may have just saw what we did. But, he also has the entire universe to watch so...”

Natasha's face drops and I giggle and begin to wrap up the fish.

“You are such a little...” Natasha mumbles and then groans. But, all with a smile.

 

Asgard has always looked the same. No remodels or any of that, not even in hundreds of years. My father glances at my mother as they ride their horses down the bifrost bridge in a total glory. She has the biggest smile on her face and they race into the main city passing by any people with no disregard. They keep arrive at the bridge and they continue through and into the courtyard of the castle. They hop off and Valoria has a bright smile on her face and she notices two boys, they look about seventeen and fifteen, standing and watching.

“Good morning, Thor!” Heimdall calls out. Thor, the older one obviously and bigger one, waves back with a wide smile.

“Heimdall! Who is this?” Thor asked. Heimdall looks at Valoria and she smiles.

“His soon to be wife!” Valoria calls back. Thor bumps Loki, who has a small smile on his face.

“Good job!” Thor yells. “I'll tell Father you're here.” Thor runs off and Loki follows behind.

Valoria and Heimdall arrive to the dining hall and sit at the table. Frigga is smiling at Valoria, very fond of her and Odin sits with a glass of wine.

“Heimdall,” Odin smiles. “Please sit.”

He pulls my mother's chair out and she sits. “Introduce us.”

“This is Valoria,” Heimdall says. Valoria smiles at them, but Odin does not smile back.

“And where is she from exactly?” Odin asks.

“Nowhere really,” Valoria answers. “I've been on my own for awhile.”

Odin raises a brow and then looks at Frigga. “And you need citizenship?”

“Yes, so I may marry Heimdall,” Valoria answers with a charming smile. Odin frowns and puts the glass of wine down.

“You're a Chaos? Correct?” Odin asked. Valoria's eyes widened and she chuckled.

“My father was,” Valoria said. “That's all I really know of him.”

“You're not of the bloodline?” Odin asked.

“I am...” Valoria answers. “My grandfather would be Chaos, himself. But, I'm... nobody really an illegitimate of another.”

“And your magic?” Odin asked. Valoria stared and then smiled.

“How would I wield it if I never knew my father? I have no idea how one would use it,” Valoria said. “I made a living trading.”

Odin glances at Frigga, who nods and then at Heimdall.

“Citizenship is granted,” Odin said. “We'll marry the two of you as soon as possible.”

 

Sometimes I think Odin was the biggest idiot to ever cross the Nine Realms. SHE'S A CHAOS! IT'S IN HER BLOOD!

I look over at my father as he stirs the pot of slow cooking fish in the kitchen.

“You heard that didn't you?” I clarify.

_ Yes, Havallah... and you're right it was a terrible decision _ Heimdall acknowledges while he adds his chopped onions and garlic.

“So, damn it, why'd you let it happen?” I exclaim. Heimdall looks over at me.

“You know, you wouldn't've happened if I hadn't've of married her.”

“And look at what's been created! I have no clue what to do with the... amount of power I am constantly feeling in my bones. I'm lost!” Just as I finish my small yell, Wanda walks in.

“Mmm... it smells good in here,” Wanda smiles. She sits at the counter and then notices my somewhat annoyed expression, though for once it's not aimed at her.

_ Havallah... you'll figure it out. You did in the training right? _

_ And then I died _

_ You weren't truly dead. You were just on the astral plane... you could've returned to your body _

_ You acted like I was dead and besides I don't know how to do that  _ I say. _ And why are you telling me this right now? Why not when I woke up? _

_ I only recently decided it's best to just tell you everything  _ Heimdall takes a sip of the stew.  _ Maybe you could come home for awhile- _

_ No!  _ I interject.

_ Why do you insist on staying here? _

_ I have a life here, Papa _ I bite at him.

_ Who is he? Who's making you stay? Is it Tony? _ Heimdall asks. I furrow my brows.

_ No. And that's not the point... even if I wasn't dating someone I wouldn't just go back _

_ So who is he? What's his name, what's so damn special about him? Is it uhm... that guy Sam? _

“No, it's Steve,” I say. Wanda's brows pick up.

Heimdall begins laughing. “No, it's not.”

“Yes, it is,” I say back.

Heimdall smirks smugly and folds his arms. He looks back at Wanda. “Is this true? She's dating Steve?”

Wanda looks at me and then Heimdall. “Yes, sir.”

Heimdall looks at me. “Is it Wanda?”

“No, Father,” I growl.

“Really? Steve Rogers?” Heimdall says. “He's... I actually like him, Havallah.”

“Yes,” I nod.

“You never date men I like or boys I like. Steve's good,” Heimdall shrugs. He turns back to the pot. “Is it Thor?”

I groan in annoyance and sit next to Wanda on the other side. “No! And you know he's not even here.”

“Is it the Stone? The man with it in his head?” Heimdall asks. I glance over at Wanda, who is trying not to turn red.

“No, it's Steve,” I say. “Definitely Steve.”

 

Later we all gather for a little party... at such party is Nick Fury, who had to meet my father, Peter Parker, and Rhodey who came back from a little sabbatical. My father also gave me a bottle of mead that he brought with him when he returned with some of his things.

“What was she like when she was little? Like hell right?” James asks. My father laughs with the mead in his hand. We're all on the couches of the space where we've had the other parties. Steve, who still doesn't believe that Heimdall really knows about us and didn’t say anything to him, is sitting next to me with his arm on my couch cushion. Natasha is sitting next to Tony, who is trying to savour his mead and not drink all of it and pass out on the floor. Nick has been laughing with Heimdall because the both of them think I'm the biggest brat in the world. Surveillance boy is not having any mead and has some coca-cola in his glass. Sam, Wanda and Vision are all on the other couch. I've had a little to drink and I only now come back to the conversation since I was thinking about how Vision can't get drunk and how I have never seen him eat.

“She was fine... she screamed all the time,” Heimdall said. “Now, she was worse when she was a little older.” Heimdall chuckles. “Her at fourteen? Havallah, what was the name of that boy that I found you with?”

“Dad,” I scoff.

“Well, there was a boy she was making out with on the-” Heimdall begins, but I intercede.

“Dad, stop. They don't want to know this stuff,” I say.

“Havallah, shut up,” Tony says. “I do... you were on one weren't you?”

“She's good, she wasn't as terrible as I expected her to be,” Heimdall says, sitting at the seat at the head of all of this.

“So, you can like see everything?” Peter asks. Heimdall nods. “That is so cool! So you already knew my name before I came here?”

“I suppose so... I don't normally focus on details like that. You know Earth isn't the only place to watch,” Heimdall says.

“Hey, Hava, can you do that?” Peter asks. My eyes focus on him.

“When I'm standing in his observatory...” I shrug. “Trust me... I don't want his job.”

“You know something I noticed...?” Nick says. All heads turn to him. He's had some mead because that is his second glass. “You don't call Havallah 'Hava', isn't that her nickname?”

“Not one I gave her,” Heimdall said. “I used to call her 'La-La'.”

“That's so cute,” Natasha flirts. I roll my eyes and then Vision looks at me.

“So where did the nickname come from?” Vision asks me. I stare at him and blank, I look at the stone in the middle of his forehead and then I smirk.

“You don't want to know,” I say and sit closer to Steve.

“No, where did it come from?” Peter asks. “Did they used to call you that in school?”

“No... they called her little chef,” Heimdall intercedes sensing my hesitation. “She was forever blowing up the home education hall.”

“That's why you never cook?” Wanda chuckles.

“Yeah, I'm not very good at it,” I admit.

“You hear that, Steve?” Natasha smiles. Steve raises a brow and looks at Natasha. Natasha's smile disappears and then looks at Nick, who is raising an eyebrow. Peter looks up at us and sees me biting on my lip.

“I meant to ask you that, you guys are dating?” Peter asks. James begins to laugh.

“No way! Cap, you landed her?” James asked. “Nice.” he looks at Heimdall, who has a small smile on his face. “Sorry.” Heimdall tells him not to worry about it.

“You two?” Nick aks. “Well, ain't that sweet? You know when I told you all those years ago to get out into the world... this is... exactly what I meant.”

“Fury...” Steve begins.

“So, you really are dating him?” Heimdall says. It gets a little quiet. “Not bad, La-La.” They all begin laughing. I look over at Steve, he looks back at me and mumbles something.

“Okay, you were right,” Steve admits. “Where did the nickname come from? I noticed you didn't want to answer.”

I look away from him and at the party, they've moved on to something else. “Loki. It's his pet name for me.”

Suddenly, Steve's eyes become just a tad bit angry. “Oh. Hava- Havallah, really?”

Natasha notices us and how Steve is kind of glaring at me. “You let me call you some other man's pet name for you? What the hell?”

My mouth is kind of dropped because I really didn't think it was a big deal.

“Steve,” I whisper scold. He says nothing and takes my glas and drinks the rest of it.

“I'm getting more of this,” Steve says, getting up and leaving the room. I groan and get up and follow him out of the room. It's not noticed that much, but I have to talk to him.

“Steve!” I call out once we're away from everybody else. “What's wrong with you?”

“What's wrong with you?” Steve asks. “I mean I think I know everything about your relationship with him, I just start to understand and then something else comes up.”

“It's just a nickname and I like it… Havallah is a big name to live up to,” I say. Steve and I go into the kitchen and he pours another glass. He doesn't even bother in drinking it and slides it to me.

“It bothers me,” Steve admits.

“I know,” I say, stepping closer.

“It really bothers me. Everything rational goes out of my head when I think about you and him... Havallah, I can't call you that anymore.”

“But, I like the way you say it,” I whisper and step into his arms. His hands find their way onto my hips. Steve clenches on his jaw and looks into my eyes. “Say it again.”

Steve opens his mouth and sighs. “Hava.”

I smile and reach up and kiss him. I run my hands through his hair a little bit and he pins me against the counter. My hands move to his button up and start to grasp at the shirt and I moan, slightly.

“We have to get back to the party,” Steve says, breaking our kiss. And I swear, I feel him pressing against my leg a little bit.

I smirk and rub my leg against him. He groans a little bit.

“Are you sure?” I say.

“No,” Steve whimpers. His hands are now on the counter, keeping my trapped, and I keep my arms folded over his shoulders. I move my leg again and Steve's grip on the counter tightens. I lean into him and kiss his neck, move my leg and in seconds Steve slams my hips into the counter. I let out a gasp in surprise. He's lucky I'm as strong as he is and that that it didn't hurt all that much. “Sorry.” He sees he's surprised me. “It didn't hurt did it?”

“Not really,” I respond. “Sorry. I didn't-”

“You drive me kind of crazy,” Steve says. “And that is... I can't handle that.”

I smile and then laugh. “Let's go back before they think we're actually...”

“Yeah, fine,” I say and take the glass of mead. He takes it though and drinks it.

“I need this more than you.” I know you do, Steve.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some fingering in this chapter (also sorry it's so short!) but you've been warned or whatever

“You are so drunk,” I laugh as Steve is doing some sort of dance from the 40s. Tony is on the floor, rolling with laughter and Wanda is watching her magic wisp through the air in cubes as if she’s a baby and it’s something shiny. Natasha is sitting next to me, not drunk either and Sam has been watching Steve this whole time in awe. Everybody else has gone home or to bed, like Peter who wanted to stay up with the adults but Tony put him to bed promising I’d take hi flying tomorrow. I know Tony meant it as a distraction, but knowing Peter he’ll ask when we’re going and I like him too much to say no.

“How is he drunk and you’re not?” Sam asks with a chuckle.

“Every time I got a drink, he drank 80% of it,” I say, taking a sip of mead now. “I thought he’d burn it off, but I’ve also had about twenty drinks tonight.”

“It's called the jitterbug,” Steve says, catching my attention now.

“Okay, Rogers,” I reply with a nod and a smile. Steve stops and puts his hands on his hip in a stance. Tony begins laughing even harder than before.

“And now for a message from Captain America, himself,” Tony says in a 1940s esque voice. Steve smiles and begins talking.

“The most valuable-” Steve begins and bursts out in a thunder of laughter with Tony as he joins him in laughing on the floor. I take the rest of my drink and look at Natasha.

“Are we the only sober ones?” I ask.

“I'm sober,” Sam cuts in. “Or not drunk enough to be on that level I suppose.”

“Shall we end this little party?” Natasha aks the two of us. We nod.

“Come on, Stevie,” I say, lightly kicking him on the floor. He turns and pulls on my leg so I fall onto him.

“Come here,” Steve smiles, kissing me. I enjoy kissing him for a second, then end it.

“Steve, we need to go to bed,” I say to him with a smile I can't wipe off my face.

“Hell yeah, we're going to bed,” Steve mumbles and picks me up over his shoulder. His arm is gripped tightly around my waist and he helps Tony up from what I can tell from grunts.

“Get some, Captain,” Tony says, high fiving him.

“Ihr zwei macht ein nettes Paar! Du wirst so hübsche Babys machen! Du wirst stark sein und du wirst heute den heißesten Sex haben! Viel Spaß, du Wahnsinniger!” Wanda calls out and because I'm me... she said this, “You two make a nice couple! You will make such pretty babies! You will be strong and you will have the hottest sex tonight! Have fun, you crazy!”

Steve continues out the door with me over his shoulder and before we begin going up the stairs, he lets me go.

“You are stronger than you realize, you know that right?” I tell him. His eyes focus on me and then looks me up and down. I'm wearing an off the shoulder top and Steve's eyes fall onto my shoulders.

“You have really nice shoulders and your bra is black,” he says. I chuckle a little bit. He looks down at my legs because I wore shorts tonight. “And nice legs... you have gorgeous legs.”

“Steve, how drunk are you?” I ask with a smile. I like him like this... just letting whatever it is that comes to mind fall out of his mouth.

“I'm not drunk. I'm always like this,” Steve says. “I give you compliments all the time.”

“Let's go to bed,” I say, bringing him up the stairs. He follows.

“Havallah!” He says when we get to the top. “We cannot... as much as I'd like to... see you more tonight-” Holy mother of all that is holy, he can't even say it right now. He can't say it. “We can't. Your dad is in town and-”

“We can't do what?” I ask him innocently. He falls for my trick.

“We can't... uhm... you know I can't-” He stammers over his words. I take his hand and begin to lead him to his room.

“We're just gonna sleep-”

“You said that after our date!” Steve calls out. “And look what almost happened there.”

“No... that's not gonna happen,” I tell him. “Because you need to go to sleep.” I blink, oh my god... shit! I forgot that mead affects me later, like it all hits me at once. And I still drank a lot tonight. I keep my eyes on him. “Steve, I have to tell you something.”

“You're in love with Sam-”

“No... I think I'm a little drunk,” I say to him. He only laughs at this.

“That's okay,” Steve says. “I'll sleep on the floor.”

“Okay,” I nod. He takes my hand and we go into his room.

 

It's super dark because of the dark wood and dark themes, but during the daytime, it's not as much. Steve hits a light in the corner and it flickers on. I look at him. In this moment, with his hair a little messed up and his shirt unbuttoned at the top just a little bit so I see a bit of chest hair, I bite my lip holding back everything I see. How badly I want to pull his hair while he makes me cry out his name and I think he sees the same thing because, in seconds, we're on each other.

Our mouths roughly push and make way for the other to be dominant. He slams me into his closet door, but I can handle him being rough. His hands glide underneath my shirt and pull it over my head and along with taking the band out of my hair and making it fall around my face. The bra I'm wearing is super lacy, not that I thought this would happen, but honestly, a lot of my undergarments are like this. He doesn't pay attention to this and just places his hands on my face, taking in every part of my mouth and I'm still just stunned that he's on me like this. Using some of my strength, I turn him around and pin him against the wall and tear off his shirt. He picks up in his arms and begins to kiss my chest and my collarbone and then throws me onto the bed. He gets between my legs and I begin to unbuckle his pants, but before I do his hands slide into my pants and he lays on top of me. His mouth is nibbling on my sweet spot so I stop and run my hands through his hair, pulling and moaning. He takes off my shorts and lets them slide down my legs and he begins to rub my clit through my underwear. This earns a genuine moan from me, one where my breath hitches in my throat because I need the oxygen now. He stops now to the sound of that and smiles at me. Using both of his hands, he pulls my underwear down and his thumb pressed against my clit, again and again, I gasp. He goes slower now and kisses my ear gently and with one hand, he puts it underneath my head, kneading at my scalp and pulling some of my hair as he holds it in his fist. He slips two fingers into me and if he thought the first time was hot, then this time is hell. My chest rises as I choke on the air just a little bit and my hand touches his forearm. My body is reacting differently than I thought.

“Steve, stop,” I let out. And within the second, he does. He looks at me, searching in my eyes and I think seeing something break.

“Havallah,” Steve breathes. He gets off of me and gives back my underwear and gets up and pulls a t-shirt out of his closet. He gives it to me and I put it on. I still stare stunned at what is running rampant in my head. Steve goes all over the room, getting a furry blanket from where a living chair is and putting it around my shoulders. He takes his pants off and puts sweats on and takes out a pair with drawstrings and gives them to me. “I know they're too big, but... or I can run to your room?”

I don't answer and just put them on and tie them as tightly as possible. He stands, looking at me fearfully.

“Say something,” Steve says, watching me. “Anything, please.”

 

The only thing I see are Loki's eyes looking back at me. There is noise behind us and as my eyes focus more, I realize I'm in some sort of hotel with giant glass windows showing the world, which is beautiful.

“Hey, lovely,” Loki smiles. I try to move, but I can't. A groan escapes from me. “Easy...”

“Tell me you brought me breakfast,” I murmur. He smiles even more and stands up from my bedside. He comes back with a plate, but he puts pillows behind me so I sit up. He sets the plate next to me and gets a bite full of pancakes on the fork.

“Here,” Loki says. I don't question this and lean forward to take a bite. “You fell pretty hard yesterday.”

“The doctor said I'll be fine, Loki,” I reply with a small smile at his worries. He gets another bite, but takes it for himself and then another for me.

“Still, you shattered your back. You could have died,” Loki says as I finish.

“You're so dramatic,” I chuckle.

 

Later in the day, Loki sits behind me. Now I know, in the exact same way Steve did. His hands are running through my hair and I hold a book open. I'm reciting the word as Loki reacts in groans, moans and small laughs. I begin to get tired, so I let the book fall and lean into his chest as he whispers sweet nothings into my ear. His hand rests on my thigh and playfully, he massages my clit reacting in the same way to my moans. His other hand reaches down and begins to finger me and my hands reach for his hair and he licks and nibbles at my ear, moaning my name when I should be moaning his.

 

Steve is still looking at me. He hasn't dared to touch me again.

“I'm...” I look at how he reacted so quickly and so well. “Come here.”

He gets on the bed and comes towards me.

“It was good,” I say to him, touching his cheek. “I really liked it, but... I think I need more preparation next time”

“I shouldn't have done that without asking you, I'm sorry,” Steve says, shaking his head. I shake my head at the shaking of his head.

“No, not that. I mean, let's not do it while we're drunk. Ever.” Steve nods. “I get memories whenever I'm drinking of that lost year. Then, it just all comes back and it freaks me out.”

“Can I ask what you saw?” Steve asks. I nod and take his hand so we can lie under the covers. I lay in his arms and he keeps one safely around my waist.

“I broke my back that year,” I tell him. “I know now that it was a ploy to get Loki to make a decision. They pushed me down the stairs, hard. It was a day or two after, I was in a coma and he was there staring back at me. He fed me, we watched a little alien tv show, I read our book, then...”

“Then, what?”

“We had a little...” I began, but judging by Steve's silence I think it's enough.

“Can I ask one question though?” Steve asks, almost ten minutes later. I moan for him to go on. “How did he do it if your back was broken? Like didn't it hurt?”

“It wasn't that bad and he was gentle.”

“Mm.”


	16. Chapter 16

I wake up the next morning, still in the same position as I went to bed last night with Steve. I know that in seconds, my beautiful boyfriend will wake up because my body has a natural instinct to be on such a prowl. I guess it doesn't full trust him yet. I roll over and check the time on his phone and see it reads 09:10. I get out of the bed and begin to draw open the shades to let some light in.

“Good morning,” Steve says, sitting up on the bed.

“Morning,” I respond. He turns all the way off his bed, sitting there and begins to rub his hands.

“I want to talk to you,” Steve says. Great another morning ambush of questions.

“About what?” I ask.

“I- I want to know everything there is to know about your relationship with Loki,” He says. And because it's the morning, his voice is just so yummy and it makes it almost impossible to resist. But, I do.

“Can I know everything that there is to know about Peggy?” I respond back and take off his sweats I was wearing last night. He watches me as I bend down and get my shorts.

“Yes,” Steve says. “Though, there's not a lot there.”

“I know,” I say after some time. I look back at him. “When you kissed me the other night, you know how I said I saw some of your memories?” Steve nods. “Well, I saw a majority of them with Peggy. And Bucky but… I'm sorry. I was just being snarky, I already know everything because you would never keep anything major about her from me. She's also not causing riffs in our relationship.”

“We have some things we have to take care of today like the apartment and your dad is leaving this morning,” Steve says. There's a knock on the door that stops me from responding. I go over to open it and it's Peter.

“Hi,” I say. Peter looks at my legs and turns a little red. I lean against the door and fold my arms. “What can I help you with Peter?”

“Uhm… remember when last night you said you were gonna take me flying if I went to bed... well, Mr. Stark said you'd take me flying and I went to your room, but you weren't there and then Miss Romanoff said you were probably with… Captain Rogers-”

“I'll meet you in the bay, Peter.”

Then, with a slight nod, he turns and leaves.

 

I go into the jet bay with my full suit on. Tony is standing there fiddling with something on Peter's suit.

“Now, you could use some improvements,” Tony says to me. He comes over. “Arms up.”

I lift my arms. “See I don't like this… the mesh,” Tony mumbles to himself. “Maybe something a little loser and no more sleeves… the cape-”

“Don't get rid of the cape,” I mumble. “I like it.”

“It's impractical-”

“Figure it out, Tony-”

“What about a shorter one-”

“Vision has a cape. I want a cape. I like the shorter sleeves too… and gloves oh I miss gloves,” I smile and begin to float into the air. I put my hand out and Peter swirls around with energy and floats too. “We're off.”

 

“This is so cool!” Peter smiles as he flies through the air. He goes through clouds and up and down. I watch him with a smile and continue to glide through the air. “So you just used magic to do this?”

“Well, actually it's telekinesis,” I tell him as we continue through the air. “Very advanced telekinesis, so you can move on your own.”

“Are you concentrating a lot?” Peter asks.

“I don't know,” I respond. I look over at him and a ring goes over his body and he begins to drop. “Peter!” Crap, well I… the rings are still new. Like earlier when I gave this to Peter, when I brought him with me there were no rings. Maybe another would help. I take my hand and it flies gracefully through the air and goes over his body, he floats back up towards me. “Sorry! I didn't… I wasn't paying attention, the rings are new.”

“No, that's okay,” Peter says, breathlessly. “They feel weird.”

“How so?”

“It's like a new wave of energy, a rejuvenation almost,” Peter says. “I'm sure if you didn't want it to do that it wouldn't. Like it gave back the air that I exerted from screaming... like you cared so it helped.”

“You're smart. That would have taken Tony hours to figure out,” I laugh.

“I think you're stronger than you realize, I saw the video of Sokovia,” Peter says. “The way that when you caught the land and your energy just naturally flowed and held it up… you're not just physically strong. You have a strong psyche. Like how, when we were in the room and you could hear us, but it also only took you a minute to block everyone out again. Or Tony told me about how you can read a mind from hundreds of miles away... I think you could do it from even farther. You have this manipulation of the psychic field or something. The same way Wanda can which is why the both of you can keep up with the Stone.”

I look over at him and smile. “How long have you been theorizing this?”

“Since the video and since I met you,” Peter said. “They say that you're an angel of life, like the goddess of life but what if you're not? What if then when you were able to read the emotions of the humans and those around and communicate and understand. what if it's just because you're a powerful psychic? What if that's what you are instead? I heard about the training session, how suddenly it just kicked in you said it felt easy and right. Maybe because it is right. I mean, we're up here right now what can you hear?”

I look down and through the cloud, though they block the view, I'm back on the same thing that I was when I was dead. Hearing voices and seeing them too, then I hear something else. A crank, a groan, and screams.

“Do you know what we're flying over?” I ask Peter. He looks at me and his lenses on his suit, focus.

“A country named-” Peter begins, but cutting through the clouds is a black missile that comes up through the air and hits Peter.

“Peter!” I call back and a ring floats through the air ready to out the missile, but I stop. It'll make it detonate, killing Peter which means I need to contain it. I fly higher into the air and faster to raise with it. But, another missile comes from behind.

With a swift move of my hand, Peter moves off the missile and begins to trail behind me. As the missiles keep their destination, Tony's voice frantically comes on the earpieces.

“Hava, what's going on up there?” Tony asks.

“Two missiles,” Peter answers. “The serial numbers are 6B78-N3Z.”

“Shit,” Tony says to himself. “Hava, can you contain them?”

“Both of them?” I ask. “What are they, Tony?”

“Missiles strong enough the wipe out entire cities… I guess the negotiations escalated,” Tony says. “Do you need backup?”

I look at the two missiles as they fly higher into the atmosphere and think about what Peter said. I look up at the missiles and fly after them and as they hit the stratosphere and Peter stays behind watching. I put a lock on them both with the rings flying and going over them. They stop.

“I stopped them,” I say calmly. I watch as they float with a white glow around them. But, I can't take my eyes off. I'm actually keeping them from no exploding, keeping a width of an atom from touching so the bombs don't explode. “But, I can't move. They're not detonated, I stopped it. If I let it move just a little, Tony...”

“Hang on, Vision's on his way,” Tony says.

In seconds, Vision is next to me. He sees exactly what I see.

“Could you contain it?” I ask him. He looks at me with what emotion he can show, he's somewhat scared.

“I don't know,” Vision says. An alarm goes off on Tony's side, this doesn't make me flinch.

“Shit!” Tony exclaims again. “Explosion on the Brooklyn Bridge… I'll stay here with you guys. Send Peter back down, Hava as best you can.”

“Got it, Mr. Stark,” Peter interjects. “I can get down on my own and as long she's not holding me, she can focus more-”

“Ok, great Peter,” Tony says. “You'll rendezvous with Steve, Nat, and Wanda.”

I hear their footsteps as they load themselves onto the jet. Vision looks at me.

“What do you want to do?” Vision asks.

“Could you absorb it if I let go?” I ask. “Not that I'm going to.”

“I could try… I've worked on it since our last time in this situation,” Vision says. I blink and look at him, with a deep v in my eyebrows. “What?”

“I-” I begin, but something on the other end, a loud ringing makes me lose focus and in seconds, one of the warheads explodes sending me flying through the air. Vision, however, absorbs it. “Tony!”

There's no response. “Something's off, Vis.”

“Yes, the bomb, Havallah,” Vision answers.

“No, something's wrong!” I come back over to him. I put my hand out and help as we contain the bomb and I look at the other one. “I need to get back down to Earth.”

“You can't. What about that?” Vision asks.

“Stay here and watch it for me. I'll keep it contained,” I say. “Also, we need to set up a telepathic connection so we can talk.”

_ Like this? _ Vision says.

_ Exactly. Thanks _ , I say to him and zoom back to Earth. I decide to go to the base and find Tony, who lay on the floor with a piece of metal through his abdomen.

“Tony!” I exclaim. “You're okay!”

“You call this okay?” Tony asks.

“No, I mean you're not dead,” I say and bend down to him. The base controls our exploded and wires hang down. “This is gonna hurt.” I take the metal out and a ring hits the spot instead, bringing the skin back. Tony calls out, but feels better in seconds.

“You need to get to the bridge,” Tony says. “They already called in the military... we were the next stop, now you.”

“But, the missile-”

“It was a distraction.”

“I thought that,” I say.  _ We have to let the bomb go _

_ If we do that, it'll blow Earth off it's route. Even with containment, it's big. _

_ Okay, so... _ “Tony, there's a nuclear warhead strong enough to throw Earth off its balance if it explodes up there. Where should I put it?”

Tony blinks at me and sits up as his stomach wound is now merely a scratch. “Shoot off as far as you can in the opposite direction,” Tony says, standing up now. I look up to the sky.  _ You hear that? _

_ Yes, we'll work together on sending it a couple light years away? _

_ Of course.  _ I concentrate and as I shoot three rings into the air and my eyes turn white with how much energy I'm exerting just by being right here. The three rings that shoot through the air, the fact that they'll hit right as Vision sends it off to and the fact that I'm keeping it from exploding. As we finish that, a blurry voice comes through.

“She's gonna sink us all!” Steve's voice says, worriedly. “Everybody off the bridge! Now!”

I look at Tony and I bring him into the air with me as his armor begins to stick to him and we fly through the air.

We get to the bridge, the same time as Vision and find that someone, a woman stands with her hands pointing at the bridge. She looks up and sees me and smiles.

“The guest of honor,” Her voice rings through. “I wasn't expecting to see you so soon.”

I stare at her, recognizing her face from somewhere. “You're good at this. The whole psychic thing and maybe my pep talk was too much. Maybe I was right in my theory.”

“What?” I respond. She steps forward and puts a hand out so that the bridge stops, but the people are frozen. The other half is still moving.

“You didn't think you took Peter flying this morning, did you?” She asked. “That he really figured all that out?” I blank at her. My mother's sister, that's who she is.

“It saddens me that you didn't recognize me, sister,” She sighs. “But, again… we've never really met, have we?”

I stare at her mouth dropped.

“Mom always talked about you. How strong you were, how pretty you are and she's not wrong, but spending all those years with the observer have made you blind.”

“You're not real!” Wanda yells, standing up from where she was pushed into a car. “You're a clone! Like I was supposed to be. You're not real!”

My sister looks at Wanda and a burst of black energy hits her into the cr. The metal wraps around her neck, her hands, her legs and begins consuming her body before I have to intervene it stops.

“I was older, better and then Mother left. She did the same to you, didn't she? I know the humans are going to claim I'm theirs, but I came here and told them I was the one thing that can stop you and render this little team useless.” She looks over at the bridge and at the frozen humans. “Let’s see those powers now, sissy.”

She lets the bridge drop and in seconds, a white ring floats around it and it stops. I fall just a little lower and my eyes turn white.

“What about this side?” She asks and lets the other side fall. My hand shoots out and catches it. She levitates into the air and smiles. “Mother said you'd be good.”

I look back at her. “What the hell are you talking about! We're not related!”

“You're right, we have different fathers. I was made with a goddamn inhuman. Apparently, everything binds well with Asgardian DNA, which is why you've turned out so good. She says you're a goddess and I'm just a weapon, there's a difference.”

“Our mother... she wouldn't've done that,” I look at her.

“She did. She also says you're superior. That if I seek you, you'll kill me. Oh, I think I'll finally see her cry when I bring your head back on a platter. With those stupid, golden eyes dimmed-!”

But, a shield goes flying through the air and hits her down. Steve, Natasha, and Sam are running towards her ready to take her down.

“We need to get these people off,” Tony says. I nod and allow for movement and the people move and take their stuff. Vision carries whole cars off the bridge and the army moves back a mile to keep damage to a minimum. Through this I try to keep the bridge up as best I can and watch as Natasha goes flying off the bridge, just in time to catch her. Wanda busts out of her car stranglehold and begins to bring my alleged sister into the air. I bring pieces of the bridge back together as Vision begins to take over, but my sister breaks out of the grip and grabs Wanda by the neck.

“Interesting,” She begins and raises Wanda into the air. “You're very good with that. Too bad it's not really yours.” She begins to squeeze and Steve hits her again with the shield, but this time she stops it and throws into the car. “You're bothering me.”

“I think that's point,” Steve says and Falcon shoots bullets at her neck, but no puncture. Tony lands too ready to take her on shooting her and trying not to get Wanda, who's still being choked. With her other hand as Falcon whisps through the air, black energy appears from a whole and takes out a wing. He goes into the water and is out for the game. Natasha from behind jumps onto my sister's back, stabbing her as best she can with a knife, but my sister takes her by the air and throws her a hundred feets towards the end of the bridge. I'm done now with the bridge and land.

“What do we do here, Hava? How would you take yourself down?” Steve asks. My sister’s magic begins to heal her wound on her neck. Vision lands too and we have her surrounded. Rhodey is now in the air ready to unleash a hailstorm of missiles.

“I don't know,” I mumble.

“What would you do if this was you!” Steve exclaims. I look at him and think for a second.

“I don't know if she's psychic,” I respond. “Let's find out.” A ring flies towards her and hits her square in the forehead and she blasts back. She finally drops Wanda, who catches her breath.

“She's not,” Steve says.

“Wait,” I say as I watch her stand up and begin to laugh.

“Sister,” She says, walking towards me. Now Rhodey lands behind us and Wanda is standing with her magic ready to strike. We stand together as I watch her stride towards us. “Don't make me do it.”

“Do what?” I ask.

“If you're going to bring your best, I'll have to bring mine,” She sighs. Her eyes turn black and suddenly the entire other half of the bridge of the bridge collapses, including Natasha who's still unconscious. Vision though flies through the air catching her and getting Sam at the same time. “Chaos, dear sister... that's what they called Mistress Chaos because our grandfather loves me. Does he love you too?”

“We get it, you're holding a grudge against Havallah,” Tony says. “You're jealous.”

“Jealous?” She laughs. “Please... I just want what she has.”

“That's jealousy, dipshit,” I say. She frowns and a black goop wraps around me and brings me into the air. The others attack her, but they're thrown off. I get out of her mold and hit her with a punch directly. She falls to the ground and Steve comes from behind and begins to choke hold her which is working, but she's still awake. I begin to kick her and throw punches. She elbows him hard enough that he let’s go and jumps into the air with a kick against his face. He drops instantly and I begin to step back as she turns for me. My eyes lock on Steve as I notice his shoulders aren’t moving as much as they should. I trip and fall back and Mistress Chaos laughs. With a sword formed in her other hand she tries to hit down onto my head. My arms form an “x” over my head; as her sword strikes, the ice (which has wonderful timing sometimes) blocks this. She stares at my hands and my arms which have turned to ice.

“Sweet lord!” She exclaims. “That I had no idea of!” She laughs. “Let's see when you're all ice.” She swiped the sword at my head and it shatters against the ice. I realize the ice has spread more than usual and is coming up my arms and the ice covers my entire body which begins to hurt and I fall onto my knees as I notice that it starts underneath my toenails as well. She takes a dagger and grabs me by the air and is ready to slit my throat. But, Wanda slides the dagger towards her stomach instead. Mistress Chaos looks up and locks on Wanda. 

“You're a good appetizer to the main course you know!” Mistress Chaos smiles and goes after her. Steve comes over to me and watches as I stand up and the ice has completely covered my face and turned my hair white.

“It hurts like hell,” I groan. He watches, completely amazed. But, clouds grumble over head and flurries of storms begin to cover the bridge.

“What the… ?” Steve sighs.

“That's me actually,” I answer. From the sky drops, icicles sharp as knives and hit Mistress Chaos she turns towards me.

“You little...!” Mistress Chaos calls out. She lifts her hands into the air and black clouds storm against mine and fire begins to rain down. I look at her horrified and ready to do something, but Wanda's magic begins to surround her cloud and she compresses it down. She puts it around Mistress Chaos and surrounds in her own fire.

“I won't last long!” Wanda calls out. I smile and lift into the air and begin to coat the thing in ice. Vision's back and hasn't blinked once at my ice.

“Wanda and I have this, we need to get everyone else out. They'll just become casualties,” I say. The ice now begins to retreat back to wherever it’s coming from as I feel relief.

“I'm not leaving, Hava,” Steve says. “She's not as strong as you, I could be helpful.”

“Fine, Vision, everyone else should go,” I say. Vision nods and begins to round up everyone else.

“I'm going to have to let go!” Wanda calls out.

“Steve, we're going to have to both take her on,” I tell him. “Wanda, any magic she throws you have to get it before it gets to everyone else. It'll be hard, but you're stronger.”

She nods and let's go. Mistress Chaos hits Wanda again and runs towards me with anger and swings her sword at me, I dodge it and kick her onto her back. Steve takes his shield from Wanda who throws it over from where she landed. Mistress Chaos comes back and takes her hand which is now a knife and tries to slice my face. I have my own sword now and jump into the air and stab her through her chest. A lucky shot and I land on the other side.

Mistress Chaos lets out a loud growl and a big dog, her anger barks towards Wanda and Steve. “Excuse me for wanting some alone time with you.” She takes the sword out and shatters it against the floor. She goes towards me with a punch and we engage in a quick hand to hand fight, she catches me and pushes me against the metal of the bridge. She hits my head against the metal, over and over and soon I start to laugh. Because none of it is working. Two rings form and lift her. I fly into the air and a ring squeezes around her waist and another cuts through her neck. She falls back onto the ground and with my hands, I guide how slow and how fast the rings are going.

She starts to gasp as her blood spills out onto the street. I'm going to kill her.

“Havallah!” A surprising voice yells. “Havallah, stop! Don't!” It's Peter, who I was starting to wonder where he was. “If you kill her, it'll just unleash her magic!”

I ignore it and keep pressing. She chokes and in desperation spits her blood onto my face. It burns and I get off of her and wipe it off. She stands up.

“You love that boy don't you?” She laughs. “He's right... if you kill me. All my magic will be unleashed on this world- you'd have to imprison me-”

But, a dart goes flying through the air with a blue serum that hits her in the neck. She falls onto her knees and face flat into another pool of her blood. The rings disappear now. I have my own blood running down my cheek and I breath in the air around me. I look to see Natasha, with a gun and shoots another into my sister's back. The dog that Wanda and Steve were fending off with some success has disintegrated. However, Steve is holding his thigh where I see blood sponge between his fingers. And there’s  blood on Wanda's lip and coming from her nose. Natasha lands swiftly from her jetpack and Peter, who has been a mouthpiece for my sister as I pull off a weird bracelet on his wrist. He falls to the ground, but Steve takes him. It was a bite mark on his thigh.

“You didn't think I was gonna leave you here alone did you?” Natasha smiles. I chuckle and then look at my sister. “Is she really your sister?”

“I don't know,” I ask. “Maybe. We can ask my dad when we bring her back.”

 

“You still could've helped,” I say to him. Heimdall looks at me with an annoyed look as he exams my alleged sister's body.

“I didn't see it, Havallah. You stretched your damn curtain so far, I couldn't...” Heimdall sighs and looks at my sister's face.

“So she is my sister?” I ask him. Heimdall folds his arms and the entire team of people who tried to help are looking at him. Steve's thigh is being sewed up, Wanda has an ice pack to her head, Natasha getting shots into her neck for her concussion. Tony is sitting at the computer with Peter watching my sister's stats.

“Yes,” Heimdall says. He sighs and touches her face. “Your mother said she existed, but wasn't allowed to leave and she was living with her father. That we'd probably never see her, it broke her heart.”

I roll my eyes. “What heart she has.”

“Well, she must've tried to seek approval from Valoria... that's not easy,” Heimdall says. “Poor Lorelei.”

“Who's Lorelei?” I ask.

“Her, your sister. Her name's Lorelei,” Heimdall says. “Mistress Chaos must be what likes to be called, but that's what they call your mother if anything.”

“So she's dead?” I ask.

“No, she's just trying to show every part of superiority to you,” Heimdall says. “I'll bring her home.”

“What?” Tony says. “She stays.”

“Lorelei is going to be imprisoned on Asgard... if Valoria comes looking for her, trust me you don't want it here...” Heimdall says. He looks at me. “Is that okay? You won't miss her?”

“Miss Lorelei?”

“No, it's okay that you don't see your mother?” Heimdall says. “I'll handle it. Or I could even return her directly... you could come.”

I stare at him, stunned

“You want to return Lorelei?” Tony interrupts again. “She'll just come back.”

Heimdall begins to laugh. “No, she won't. Not when I tell Valoria what she tried to do. She'll be just as good as dead.” Heimdall looks back at me. “Havallah, do you want to come?”

Steve gets off the bench and sees I'm frozen. He balances on his nonbad leg.

“Hava,” Steve says. I look at him and then my dad, shaking my head.

“No,” I say. “You know where she is?”

“I can see everything, Havallah. We're not speaking, but this is a perfect time to. Or perhaps I'll hand her off to Thor to take care of her,” Heimdall says. “That'd be better.”

“Thor?” I bark. “Please.”

“How is he, by the way?” Steve asks. Heimdall looks past him and then back at him. “He's good at the moment.”

“Fine, give her to him, but make sure Valoria knows about this. I want the little bitch punished,” I say. Heimdall smiles and walks to the other side of the bench. He kisses my forehead.

“We'll talk soon, hmm?” He says. I nod and kiss his cheek.

“Bye, Papa,” I say. He steps back and smiles and the Bifrost opens up taking him, Lorelai and anything he brought back with him. I sigh and lean against the table.

“Hava-”

“I'm taking a shower,” I say and walk out of the room.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so there's some smut and stuff here i dont wanna spoil it

“You know I kind of liked the red one,” Steve pants as he hits a guy to the ground. From across the street, I run towards two agents with guns and a ring shoots through their heads and they fall. More keep coming and I jump into the air and land back onto the ground, with the guys falling up and down.

“Steve, I hate the red cushions,” I say to him. Someone comes from behind me with extra metal bars and begins to cuckold me, but Sam comes through shooting him.

“You okay there, angel face?” Sam asks, landing next to me.

“Steve likes the red cushions for our couch,” I say to him. We both begin to walk towards a big guy wearing a suit just like Tony's except it's littered in HYDRA propaganda.

“Oh, come on, man...” Sam says as he shoots a mini missile blowing the guy off. “That thing looks like a casting couch.”

“A what?” Steve asks. He's already inside and I hear someone grunt on the other side of his piece.

“Yeah, what's a casting couch?” I ask Sam. He looks at me, blinking and flies into the air to go through the broken window.

“I forgot who I'm working with here,” Sam mumbles.

“Havallah, it's nothing,” Natasha's voice says through the piece. I fly up and follow into the air.

“Just tell me, so I don't go home and google it later,” I say as I shoot another ring and take out guys coming onto Sam, who's trying to break into a computer. Natasha meets up with us.

“It's used in porn,” Sam sighs. I lean against the computer.

“They have sex on the couch...?” I ask.

“Yes, Hava,” Natasha says, underneath the desk and begins cutting wires. “Got it?”

“Yup,” Sam answers.

“You know I didn't need to know that,” Steve says as he finally meets up with us.

“That you have a porn-like taste?” I say to him. Sam scoffs and Steve looks at me.

“Havallah,” Steve mumbles.

“We'll go see the other one later,” I say to him.

“We're ready, let's go,” Sam says.

“You got his last known?” Steve asks, looking on the computer screen.

“Yes,” Sam says and takes his thumb drive.

“Great, we can make it back before 2 o’clock for the open house in Bushwick,” I say to Steve. We start to leave and walk out of the HYDRA base. 

“Bushwick?” Steve says. “I don’t like it there.”

“Well, it’s nice and it’s up and coming. Nat and I went down there yesterday,” I shrug. As we walk another whole team of people are coming towards us. Steve throws his shield up and I put a ring around it and it takes out the people.

“Yeah, but I think… okay fine,” Steve says. “I guess we can’t be super down town. He needs to be around people.”

“Exactly,” I say and we enter the quinjet. 

Natasha sits down and we lift into the air and I sit with Steve as he takes off his head piece and Sam undoes his goggles and takes off his wings. I look at Steve and he leans down and kisses me. 

“Where the hell did that come from?” Sam asks.

“Oh, leave them alone. They’re in love,” Natasha says as we zoom through the air. “You’re just bitter cause you’re not getting laid.”

Steve stops and sits next to me. 

“He’s not dead,” I say to Sam. “And neither am I.”

“That’s sweet,” Sam says. “Maybe you can do that not in front of me.”

“Are you jealous?” Natasha asks, getting up now that we’re on route.

“No, it’s just I have been witness to your fights before and now you’re just… I don’t need to be-” Sam says. 

“Okay, Sam,” I say. “We’ll be totally platonic around you.”

“Would you rather have them be fighting or making out in front of you?” Natasha chuckles. 

“Fighting,” Sam answers. Steve frowns and I roll my eyes. Natasha’s face scrunches up. “Neither to be completely honest. But, when they fight Steve apologizes for fighting in front of me but when they make out they just don’t see me.”

“Oh, so you like the attention?” I reply to him. “I’ll make out with you too from now on.”

“Now that I can get on board with.”

 

“Hi, Meredith,” I smiled at Meredith our real estate agent. Steve, Sam, Natasha and I are standing on a street corner in Bushwick, a small neighborhood within Brooklyn. 

“Good morning, all of you,” Meredith says. Natasha and I start to talk to Meredith while Steve and Sam loiter behind us. “So, I sent you guys some pictures of the property.”

“Oh, right… the brick wall is beautiful,” Natasha says.

We have about two hours of this: Natasha, me and Meredith discussing accent walls, bedrooms, bathroom, tile patterns and prices. Steve and Sam commenting on things.

 

“I liked the one in Bushwick,” Sam says, later at our late lunch. We’re sitting at the back of some nice restaurant with water in wine glasses. Natasha has some of the applications from Meredith between us.

“I did too actually,” I nod. I look at Steve, who’s just watching the ice cubes clink in his glass. “Which one did you like?”

“It looked… it yeah, it’s good,” Steve says.

“Steve,” Natasha says. He looks at her. “You okay, there?”

He glances at me and then back at her and sits up. “Yeah. I’m just gonna get some air.”

Steve gets up and he leaves and I look at Natasha, who shrugs. Natasha looks at Sam, who shakes his head and takes a sip of wine. For a moment, we all sit there giving looks and communicating solely through that. We're all concerned at Steve's sudden mood shift, but Natasha finally speaks as the waitress takes our orders and we order for Steve.

“I think he's just thinking,” Natasha says. “I mean, he hasn't visited Brooklyn in a long time... everybody told him he has to move on and he did. But, now we're here and he's moving back with Bucky. It's weird for him, I bet.”

“Probably,” I respond. I don't say anything else and begin to get up, but Sam interrupts.

“I'll go get him,” Sam says. Sam leaves before I do and I look at Natasha.

She smiles, “So... it's been a while.”

“A while since what?”

“Since we talked, really. I mean, there was your sister thing, a month ago and then we just have dived into this Bucky stuff. Your dad asked you to go with and you froze-”

“I just hadn't really thought about the fact that he knows where she is. That's all. I want move on now, into this new phase of my life... moving in with Steve and we're getting serious and-”

“How is that by the way?” Natasha asked.

“How is what?” I ask her, cautiously.

“Give me the details,” Natasha mumbles under her breath. I look outside to still see Sam and Steve talking.

“It gets… really hot sometimes, like… amazingly, stressful type hot,” I admit to her. She giggles. I lean in closer. “We haven't…”

“Completed the jigsaw?” Natasha says, breaking the bread in the middle of the table and taking a bite.

“No… we haven't had sex,” I say to her. Natasha snorts.

“Hava, that's what… it was so you weren't just throwing the word around. We're not alone,” Natasha says.

I smile and feel my cheeks turn hot. “Oh.”

“No... we haven't completed it, but got some pieces out,” I say now. Natasha starts giggle, evilly now and I'm afraid she's gonna tease Steve about this.

“You started the jigsaw puzzle?” Natasha asked. “And how'd that go?”

I frown. “Not good, actually.”

Natasha frowns. “Oh, I can talk-”

“No, I mean he's really good at… recognizing the pattern and then putting the pieces together, but I… kind of had a flashback to last my puzzle.”

Natasha's face drops, completely and she looks heartbroken. I give her a sad smile and I open my mouth. “It was horrifying... I wanted it, I really did but my mind and my body were saying no.”

“Havallah,” Natasha whispers taking my hand.

“We were a little drunk so-”

“That was a whole month ago,” Natasha says.

“Yeah, it was,” I nod.

“Nothing since then?” Natasha asks.

“Kind of yeah... I told him we can never drink and do the puzzle. It's too much, my mind starts to… it always go back to that year. Sometimes it happens soberly, but mostly if I've had something to drink.”

Natasha nods.

“But, it's not the bad. In fact, the memory I had was when I broke my back that year...”

“Right,” Natasha mumbles to herself.

“It just was a time that… ” I start and then I look at her, blinking. “Natasha… ”

“Yeah?”

“Something's off,” I swallow. “I mean it doesn't make any sense-”

“What doesn't make any-” Natasha begins, but Steve and Sam are back at the table. “You guys good?” Natasha's attitude changes.

“Mhm,” Steve says and sits. “You ordered for me?”

Natasha looks at me and takes her hand back. “Hava...”

Suddenly, I look at him with a smile. I put my hand on his back and rub a little bit, then nod. “Mhm.”

 

“So, tell me what is it?” Natasha asks, later setting down a cup of tea in front of me. We're in her room on the little couch she has in the corner.

“I don't think Loki… I don't think he raped me,” I say, taking the tea. It's chamomile and Natasha has one in her hand.

“Havallah, you said you remember it,” Natasha shrugs. “The pain, the crying, the cold.”

I feel my jaw twitch a little bit. “But, in that memory I remember a burning pain behind my ear. The scar that I have and… but when I broke my back I didn't have that. I still had the ring on my finger and we had sex. We had loving, consensual sex.”

“So maybe it wasn't all the way consensual… maybe you didn't want him too and he did anyways,” Natasha says. “Maybe your being in love wasn't enough.”

“There was also a voice,” I say. “Loki hesitated before he… did it. He hesitated and, Natasha, it doesn't make any sense. The only reason I would have begged him not too because it would have been my virginity, not- he also whispered in my ear, 'if I don't do this, they'll kill you'.”

Natasha takes a sip of tea and thinks. “Honestly, when I found out I was surprised. When I was interrogating him and I mentioned you, that we had you and weren't afraid to-”

“Nat, come on.”

“Fine, we mentioned we weren't afraid to torture you… he broke. I mean, I saw something break and then he lost it. But, you remember this, so many details… you don't think the other stuff could be the not real stuff?”

“No, in my x-rays you can see the bump on spine from when it shattered. It didn't completely heal right,” I say. “Or maybe it's just a blip on the machine, I don't know.”

Natasha touches my shoulder. “Havallah… you know I've never seen you cry before.”

I smirk and sigh. “I don't have any more tears left to cry. I do cry, I have cried, but… not in recent months, when Steve was pushing me about Loki, I cried. When I found out he was right about him, I cried. When the Toddy took my powers, I think I cried for a second. There’s a lot of times, Nat… I just try to do it privately. And I was repeatedly tortured for an entire year, I found out that the man that I love had died doing something I will forever admire him for, I lost my mom and for two years, I wanted to... die. I've spent so much of my life in tears already that I don’t want to be pushed that far again.”

Natasha touches my hair and gives a small smile. “Oh, Hava, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay, it's done now. That's why I have to work extra hard with Steve and…  you know take some of the weight of our relationship off of me. He's in pain too and he’s helped through mine and now he needs help through his.”

 

Two days later, I settle into Steve’s bed. I took a shower in his bathroom and I’ve even put some of my clothes into a drawer he cleared for me. My room is almost completely packed and Steve and I started his today.

I bring my laptop into my lap and begin to email Meredith telling her that we’re taking the apartment in Bushwick. She responds within a couple minutes and proceeds to send us the information on the landlord and the apartments’ dimensions. I go onto the furniture site and choose the couch that I told Steve we were getting anyways. There’s so many small details that Natasha and I have scanned over and Steve has insisted that we don’t go over budget, but I told him that we can use the enormous sums of money the US government keeps giving me. Steve says I should save it and I will, but it’s a lot of money that is completely useless anywhere except here. Steve wants me to stop saying that, that it sounds as if I plan on leaving soon. Then, I gave in and said I won't spend all of it on this and plus, we need food and it's not like Bucky's going to be working and Steve does a lot work with the Avengers and the whole facility but it's not exactly bringing in the big bucks. Tony suggested going on a government contract like I am, but Steve said no. The only reason I have one is because it's the only way they'll let me stay, Steve is a WW2 veteran, born on the 4 th of July, all around citizen. He doesn't have to do anything.

I'm not usually one who goes on the internet, but I begin to look through the news and see Tony's name come up a couple times. I google him and find his page and under recommended I find Pepper... then Natasha, Bruce, Thor, Steve... Loki. Then under partners I find my name. I click on it and read my person. Underneath my name, where Steve, Tony and Natasha all have their occupation mine says superhero. In my bio, it reads Havallah Heimdalle, Angel of Asgard, is an Asgardian goddess as well as an angel often depicted in other religions as the angel of life. She was one of the many forced accomplices of Loki in the Battle of New York, but was liberated and has aided the Avengers in other battles such as the Battle of Sokovia...

Natasha has warned me, on many occasions, to not google myself ever. But, this is fine... it's all true, so I click onto the wikipedia page. There, I find a picture from my proceedings, as well as my mug shots, then pictures from my apologies. There's even pictures from Sokovia. I continue scrolling and find under abilities that they're not very vague like Wanda’s. Asgardian Physiology, which explains my strength, agility and things like that, magic... which is not covered as well. Then, a heading with a little sticker or something that says new with the word Psionics next to it explains basically what happened in the training facility... Havallah posses an extreme amount of psychic energy that gives her the ability to use telekinesis, telepathy and other psychic abilities on an extreme level. She is said to be equal to the abilities of the Mind Stone. These abilities have been more exhibited in recent events such as the Brooklyn Bridge attack.

I click on this link and it brings me to a news report.

“Breaking news, a woman who claims herself as Mistress Chaos has reportedly been chased to Brooklyn Bridge after her trail of mayhem through other parts of New York City. The army was unable to do much damage to her, but things seemed to be looking up when the Avengers came in for the call. Captain America, Black Widow, Wanda Maximoff and the Falcon AKA Sam Wilson were not doing much to aid the help until Ironman and Havallah Heimdalle came to the scene...” Now there's footage of the first team getting beat, but Wanda was getting in some good moves. Then, there's Tony and I as we fly over and I begin to take down Mistress Chaos. “The so called Mistress Chaos is actually someone by the name of Lorelei and is Heimdalle's maternal half-sister. This raises questions of what other dangers superheroes like Havallah and the Vision, who posses powers known to other parts of the universe, can bring to our world. We've already witnessed what happened in London with other Avenger, Thor Odinson...” Footage of London, where an elf ship crashed into a university, but here no one was hurt and same with the Brooklyn Bridge attack, nobody was killed or severely hurt. “At the same time as this, two nuclear warheads were set off from the country of (CACA), Havallah who was on a regular fly around patrol, caught the two missiles and stopped them leading them out to the stratosphere alongside the Vision...”

“What are you doing?” Steve asks, coming into the room. I look up at him and close the computer.

“Oh, nothing,” I say. Steve raises an eyebrow and sits on the bed, taking the computer. He opens it and chuckles.

“You googled yourself?” Steve asks.

“No, I was looking at the news and it mentioned Tony and one thing led to another and I found my page,” I say. “Also, I got the black couch, the one with the metal poles... or whatever.”

“Fine,” Steve says. He goes onto his knees and takes off his shirt and I start to laugh. “What?”

“What are you doing?” I ask with a grin.

“I'm going to sleep, Hava... it's almost eleven,” Steve says.

“How were drinks?” I ask. Him, Sam, Rhodey, and Tony went out to some bar in the city for drinks and to loosen Steve up a bit.

“Fine,” Steve answers. He moves the computer and kisses me a little bit. I put a hand on his cheek and kiss him back. He picks me up and puts me on his lap.  Our kisses begin to get more passionate and his hands slide up my shirt and pull it off. 

“You're sure you want to do this?” I ask him. Steve takes my hand and squeezes them lightly. He nods. “Okay.”

We begin to get a little sloppy and I kiss him while he feels me up and my hips grind into his. Soon, he’s moaning into my chest and I get off of him so he can take my underwear all the way off and I can take his off. I climb back on top of him and soon remember how long it’s been since I had sex. 

The pressure, the pain, the intense all around pleasure that entices my entire my body makes me moan with something I’ve never experienced. 

Steve, however, begins grinding his hips into mine ever so slowly sending tingles up my spine. I reach back onto the headboard of my bed, trying to keep myself at bay. 

As I lift my body, Steve places his hands square into my hips and begins his thrusts. At first they’re slow and intense and towards the end get quicker, faster and a whole lot harder. Enough that with the way both of us are, cursing, moaning each other’s names and whatever god we believe in, that I swear someone might hear us. 

I assume Steve knows that I climaxed three minutes ago, but he’s kept going and lifted me and changed me so we lay sideways with the bed into a missionary position, with him moaning into my neck and if I bruised easily, millions of hickeys on my neck. 

As Steve gets closer and closer, he begins moaning my name more and more. Still this whole time, I’ve felt myself getting closer to another orgasm. I begin to reach it again and my nails dig into Steve’s back as I call out his name and he does in return finally cumming too. 

Steve falls beside me and using his left arm to draw me closer into his sweaty chest. My cheek leans against his pec and I listen intently to his heartbeat. I never wanted to forgot that sound, that moment, something I had never experienced before. A true, genuine love.


	18. Chapter 18

“We have to talk about something,” I say to him. He looks over at me and moves on top of me in my arms. “Is... this too much? Moving back to Brooklyn?”

He doesn't answer for a second and then finally sighs. His ear is right in the middle of my chest and our legs are intertwined together.

“A little bit.”

“We don't have to move there-”

“We're signing a lease in two days,” Steve says back. “It's nostalgic, that’s all.”

“Okay,” I say.

“But, you know it'll be okay… we're gonna be fine. I like the place we're moving, I like that its near people... it's good,” Steve says. “I'm really happy you're coming with me.”

“Me too,” I reply. He moves off of me and I turn on my side and he does the same.

“We're serious, right?” Steve asks. “About being together.”

“Mhm,” I smile.

“So, one day not, you know not in like six months, but in the kind of distant future... would you want to get married?” Steve asks, unsurely.

That's a good question.

“I don't know,” I answer.

“What about kids?”

“No,” I say. “No, no... kids. I don't want any.”

“Do you think you would change your mind?” Steve asks. I can't tell if he wants them or not. “I mean, maybe not in the next five years... but after that?”

“I don't think so... a long time ago, yes,” I answer. “But, maybe I'll be in a different place then... maybe I will want a child one day, but right now, the answer is no.”

“Okay,” Steve says.

“It's no, Steve.”

“I know, Hav... I don't really want kids and all that other stuff either,” Steve says. “If you wanted it, I would want it too, that's all.”

“What about marriage?” I ask. “Is that apart of stuff?”

“A little bit... I would love to marry you one day, Hava,” Steve says, reaching out and smoothing my hair.

“It'd be a sweet honor to be your wife,” I say to him and move his hand. “Steve... I know our relationship is serious... but talking about all this... I don't want to plan it. I could wake up tomorrow or maybe not tomorrow but in a month and decide that I would love to have a child with you, but not be married or I could wake up tomorrow and say let's get married. Though, I wouldn't we have a lot on our plate right now... I'm just saying. Look at what happened when you asked me to move in with you... can we please not try to rush any of this?”

“Of course,” Steve says and leans over to kiss me. I kiss him back for a second. He begins to chuckle. “Where did that whole thing come from?”

And to this, we both start to laugh.

 

Two weeks later, Natasha and I are bringing up boxes to the apartment. We moved in officially three days ago and people have been in and out hanging pictures and putting furniture together.

“I think this may be one of the easiest moves I've ever been a part of,” Natasha says as we enter the apartment. Tony's sitting there with Steve and Sam talking about something that involves Steve to objecting.

“Well, neither one of us is exactly drowning in mementos,” I sigh and set a box down on the counter. “You know, Tony instead of sitting here and blabbing you could make yourself useful.”

“Oh, really?” Tony responds. “I think I've been pretty useful... I set you up with Meredith, she's the best.”

“Mhm...” I say and go into Steve and I's room which is right off the living room and kitchen. Wanda is out on the little porch and I go out to see what she's looking at. She's just standing there, blankly watching the traffic. The plants and flowers she was supposed to be planting are on the cast iron table. “Hey...”

Wanda looks over at me and gasps. “Oh, hi.”

“Need some help with these?” I ask, taking lilacs and moving them into the dirted gardener. She had at least gotten that far.

“Sorry, I got distracted,” Wanda mumbles. Her magic begins to float around the other flowers and also flourishes them.

“Now, I could just do that,” I smile and my own powers take over and put the flowers into the pots and also reflourish them. “This is the first type of magic I kind of learned. So I wouldn't have to spend so much time in the garden.”

Wanda smiles a little bit and folds her hands.

“What's wrong?” I ask.

“I'm happy for the two of you,” Wanda says. “I know we haven't known each other long, but... you're growing.”

“Okay...” I say. Wanda looks at me and sighs.

“I'm trying to do this, you know,” Wanda says. “Be a hero, save lives... but I feel as if I've lost sight for who I am and what I want and my life.”

“Sometimes it takes a second,” I tell her. “I was here for a long time before I thought about my personal life again. A very long time.”

“It seems like I've suddenly put my life on hold,” Wanda shrugs. “I had a life before my parents died and Pietro...”

“About what I said a couple months ago, that was stupid of me,” I tell her. “What I meant was in memory. I know you can't keep using your powers on yourself but if you ever wanted to talk to him... I could help.”

“Sure,” Wanda nods. “I'll miss you... even though we have our differences.”

“I'll miss you too, Wanda,” I say. “You know… I think the reason I didn't like you was because you reminded me of myself. The both of us have been through so much and it changes your perspective. I never hated the humans, they were always my favorite to watch but... I can't help but say when I see anyone doing wrong, I have to intervene. Whether it be severely or not, which is why I have no problem... putting people out. You just wanted to protect your country and I understand that and for the way I treated you during the Ultron events, I'm sorry for hurting you like that but... if you ever somehow end up on the wrong side again, I won't be afraid to put you down and it'll break my heart.”

Wanda nods and then looks off into the street and chuckles. “Good.”

“And I hope that if the same thing happens to me... you and Vis won't hesitate with me either,” I tell her. She breaks her head towards me.

“Like you'll ever be on the wrong side. You'd kill the both of us instantly.”

“I think you're a lot stronger than you think and don't forget that the mind stone can take me on,” I tell her. “And if Steve is begging you to stop, if Tony's begging you to stop, do it. They can handle it. It won't be worth trying to just detain me, just kill me because I also don't want to live with the fact that I hurt people that I love and this world that I love again. Okay? I'm trusting you.”

“Okay,” Wanda says. “I'm trusting you.”

 

I fall back onto the comforter of Steve and I's brand new bed and he lies down next to me.

“These are so soft,” I smile and roll around in them.

“Tony said they were a gift for his birthday... they're not used so they'll be fine,” Steve says, finding my hand.

“I'm kind of worried about Wanda,” I say. Steve moves up the bed so he can look at me.

“Wanda?”

“She seems a little lost,” I sigh. 

“She’s… dealing with… I don’t know,” Steve says. “Since when do you care?”

“I’ve always cared… and in the past couple of months, we’ve begun to understand each other,” I say and sit up and he does too. “I’ve told her so much about my relationship with Loki, it’s like infatuated her.”

“Well, I think because… well, the two of you are alike.”

“I know.” I scoff. “That’s why I’m worried.”

 

Cars zoom by and with it, my hair follows them. I stand across the street watching a man with black gloves and a bun with brown hair choose plums. He has a black cap on something that Steve wanted me to wear so I wouldn’t be recognizable. I did take sunglasses; based on my eyes alone you can tell I’m not human. I thought a hat would get in the way. 

What we’re doing… this plan isn’t our best. 

I step into the street now and follow Bucky as he goes to another stand. Bucky looks over at me and I begin to speak to a vendor about the price of some vegetable I’ve never heard of. He takes what he bought from the vendor and begins to walk down the street. I look over and walk the same route as he does. He looks over his shoulder at me, but I already have my cell phone (Steve has made me buy one of these in recent weeks so he can get a hold of me. I think the things literally suck the soul out of you through your ear) out and begin to text Steve what street he’s headed towards. I look back up and find him gone as I walk past an alley, he grabs me and throws me into a trash bin.

“What do you want?” He asks, standing over me. His bags are gone and I assume he put them into his backpack. 

“Excuse me?” I gasp in a surprise. This was the plan: act like I’m some spy scoping out Bucky until I bring up Steve. Natasha would have been better for this but since he’s seen her before. He begins to walk over and he picks me up by my shirt: a black turtleneck made out of nylon and spandex for just these types of missions. 

“I said what do you want?” He growls back at me. I take him into a strangle with my legs and take him down. “What are you HYDRA?”

“No,” I answer. Using his left hand, he punches me across the alley and a headache forms on the side of my head. I forgot that damn thing is made out of vibranium. 

“You can’t be CIA or MI-5,”  He mumbles to himself walking over to me. “MI-6?”

“No,” I answer.

“You’re genetically enhanced, whatever you are… no regular person can take that,” He says. He puts his hand around my neck but is careful not to choke me. “SHIELD?”

“No,” I answer. He rips off my sunglasses breaking them in one hand. He sees my eyes and a nerve behind his twitches. 

“What the hell are you!” He growls at me. Using one hand, I hit him over and find my way on top of him. I push my arm against his neck and he tries his hardest to move it. With my other, I try to control the arm. “Are you here to take me in? Arrest me?” Using his left hand, he reaches up and cracks my wrist. I gasp and look back at him. He takes now the area right next to my scar, though one of his fingers glances over it. He stands up holding me in place with the vibranium and in the air. I growl and only slightly kick him into the chest, but he takes this. 

“Steve!” I call out as I kick Bucky across the face. He falls onto the ground just as Steve and Sam land. I stay floating for a second, but land as Steve goes to Bucky. Sam looks at me seeing something off. My wrist begins to heal and I fall onto my knees trying to fight whatever memory is surfacing in my head. Sam walks towards me and pulls me up. I push him back, just a little too hard and he stumbles to keep his balance. I find a metal crate and bend it to keep fighting myself, but as usual, the memory wins.

I’m transported back in time to the cell. 

My head is leaned against the wall and I feel blood and dirt under my fingernails. Blood drips from the scar now behind my ear onto my clothes… before I can come back fully the gates click. Two guards storm in and grab me by the arms. I can’t walk so they just drag me and my head bounces as they take me up the stair. I realize where they’re taking me and scream in protest as to what will happen next. They bring me back into the room and I know I’ve already started crying. They tie me down and sitting across from me is Loki, he has burns on his face. My eyes meet his and before we can communicate, the dark one takes my hand the one with my ring and looks to Loki.

“Let’s clear this right up,” the dark one says. He takes a knife now in his hand and chops off my finger and I scream in pain as I watch as he takes what used to be my ring finger and pull off the ring. I look to my hand and at the blood coming out of it and Loki watches terrified. He puts my finger down next to the stub and then looks at Loki. “Fix this for her.”

Loki, completely white with nausea, pushes my finger back to the stub and watches as my body heals itself. 

“Havallah!” Sam calls out. I come back and look at him. He helps me up and  I look over at Steve and Bucky, who had begun to get into a tumble. Steve’s talking to him. “You need to-”

“Just hang on,” I say. “He can talk to him.”

“Why send her!” Bucky asks, pointing at me. Steve glances over a bit of blood on his lip.

“I trust her,” Steve says.

“What is she?” Bucky asks. “Some sort of… superhuman?”

“No, she’s…. ” Steve responds. “Just let us help. We got you safe passage, just come home.”

“I can’t,” Bucky says. Steve climbs out of the pile of garbage he was thrown into. In reaction, Bucky steps back. 

“Why not?” Steve asks. 

“I’m dangerous… look what I did to her,” Bucky says. They both look over at me. I fold my arms and put my weight on the other hip.

“Trust me, she was holding back,” Steve says, meeting my eyes. “She’s not even bleeding.”

Bucky looks me up and down and notices I’m not crying at my wrist anymore. 

“But… how?” Bucky asks. 

“We can explain on the way back,” I respond. Bucky begins to walk towards me and notices I don’t flinch as he stands just a couple inches from my face.

“What’s wrong with you?” Bucky mumbles. 

“Whatever do you mean?”

“You’re… not scared,” Bucky says. “I can see it in your eyes, you’re just not.”

I smile just a little. “Maybe because I know what you’re going through. The guilt, the self-hatred, the anxiety, the not wanting to ever hurt another soul, but how do you protect yourself? The suicidal thoughts roaming through your head… I know. I know it really hurts, but you can’t do this alone. Or you will end up dead.”

Bucky’s defense that was built up inside his pretty blue eyes comes crashing down. 

“Seriously, who are you?”

“An angel.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry its been so long but here's the 19th chapter, enjoy! There is also oral sex in there so you've been warned.

“I think the two of you could use some time, you know as just the two of you,” I say to Steve as I take off my shirt. It’s been three months since Bucky moved in. I finally got my dog who is the cutest little dalmatian ever, though he’s getting big fast. I named him Howie after Tony’s dad, which Tony loves because whenever I go back to the base Tony insists I bring the dog or don’t come back at all. That’s one of the last obstacles I have to tackle with Bucky is the whole Tony’s parents are dead because of him. We’ve come far and I’ve told him that one of his assassinations was on a close friend’s parents but he doesn’t remember. 

I’ve met Natasha and Wanda for shopping and hanging out a couple times and I think it’s helped Wanda to somewhat get a life outside of all of her superhero-ing. 

I think Steve and I are settling pretty well into our life here. 

“So we’ll go do something tomorrow,” Steve says from the shower. “Are you coming or not?”

I take off the rest of my clothes and get in with him. 

“Thank you, now how was the white house?” Steve asks, taking my face into his hands. He kisses me before I can answer.

“How do you think it was?” I answer him. I run my hands through his hair and give him a harder kiss. I put a hand on his chest. “I’m about to make your day so much better.”

He furrowed his eyebrows and I get onto my knees. He chuckles but before he can say anything I’ve already put his cock into my mouth. He lets out a small moan and looks down at me.

“Hav, I wanted to-” Steve tries again, but I begin to suckle his balls just a little. “Fuck.”

I stroke him off while tonguing him a little longer and stop because he’ll cum in seconds if I keep doing that. I start to bob my head on his cock and his hand grips a shelf in the shower. 

“Hava,” Steve tries to scold, but it mostly comes out as a moan. “I meant what I said about…”

I stop for a second. “About what?”

“Nevermind, don’t stop… please,” Steve gets out and looks at me.

“I thought you wanted to tell me something,” I say and lick the main vein running across his manhood. Steve bites his lip as I begin to suck him off again. I take one hand not being used it jerk him off and begin to play with my clit. Steve begins to get closer and closer to cumming when there’s a knock on the door.

“Steve!” Bucky says opening the door. Steve looks at me and then at the ceiling. I don’t stop and begin to lay gentle kisses on him. Still using my free hand, I run my hand on his chest and grope a little bit.

“Yeah?” Steve says. 

“What’s the password for the computer?” Bucky asks. “I can’t remember.”

“It’s your…” Steve grunts and then takes a deep breath. I was primarily now just sucking on his head. His cock is beginning to throb and I know he’s about to cum.“Damn it! Bucky, it’s your last fucking name with your birthday at the end.”

“Right…” Bucky says. He begins to leave, but he pokes his head back in. “Hi, Hava.”

I blink and look at Steve whose eyes are closed, cursing in his mind. “Hey, Bucky.”

He finally closes the door and Steve looks down at me. 

“Language, Steve… god,” I mumble and start to finish him off. 

 

I get out of the shower and dry off and Steve gets out behind me. 

“I’m gonna kill him,” Steve mumbles and takes a towel. I smile at him and wrap a towel around my hair and body. 

“Well, you’ll have all the time in the world. I’m supposed to go with the President to England in a couple days and meet the prime minister and the queen so…”  I say and walk out of the bathroom. Bucky’s sitting on the couch where it seems he’s not even using the computer and has the TV on and is watching a cooking show. I don’t say anything and continue into the bedroom and Steve stops.

“Nice shower?” Bucky chuckles.

“Just…” Steve mumbles and walks into the bedroom. When he finally enters, his cheeks are bright red. “You don’t know how many times I’ve done the same thing to Bucky.”

“Well, I guess it’s payback then,” I say and begin to put my pajamas on. Howie comes barking into our room and I bend down and pick him up as Steve puts his own clothes.

“So you’re going to England?” Steve asks, walking up to me and putting his hands on his hips. “What are you going to do there?”

“Play politics,” I tell him, looking into Howie’s dark eyes. I hug him close and look back up at Steve’s eyes which have begun to try to debunk me or something.

“What do you mean?” Steve takes Howie now and the dog licks his cheek and he can’t help but smile.

“Score some points for Matthew and I’ve never met the Queen of England,” I shrug. His mouth jerks down.

“Hav,” Steve sighed. “Remember when you said you’d stay apolitical.”

“Yeah, that’s why I don’t vote or anything. Steve, I could be of use to the British people too. I do sound like them.”

Steve nods and takes my hands. “I’ll miss you.”

“Oh, please… you’ll be glad to be without me for two days. I’m gonna fly back home anyways.”

 

We’re greeted at Buckingham Palace by the Duke of Cambridge, the Queen’s grandson. And about a billion formalities later, I collapse in my room at Buckingham Palace and lay on the floor. I kick off the high heels that I packed (because Natasha did teach me some things) and sigh. I stand up and unzip my skirt and wiggle out of my shirt. It’s about eleven pm now and about eight back home so I find my phone in my bag and start to video call Natasha.

“Hey,” She answers from the kitchen of the base. “How is it?”

“Boring,” I reply as I put on a robe and lay on my bed. “You said London is fun.”

“It is,” Natasha replies. “Just give it a chance. You only just got there.”

“And the food is annoying,” I tell her. “But, it’s nice to be able to put all my royal etiquette to use since the President doesn’t use it. Americans don’t at all. Everyone here is so polite.”

Natasha laughs. “Maybe you should move to Canada.”

“Where’s that again?” 

“Above America, Hava,” Natasha says as she takes a sip of something in her mug. Something goes off in the background and Natasha looks out of frame. “Oh.”

“What is it?” 

“I don’t know… a visitor I guess,” Natasha shrugs. 

“At eight o’clock?” 

“I don’t know. I’ll check, can we talk tomorrow?” 

“Sure.”

She hangs up and instead I go to Steve and look at his profile picture on my phone. It’s me and him from the Ultron party. We took a bunch of pictures on Tony’s phone and he just never deleted them.

I decide not to call to not impose on whatever they’re doing and if I have a missed call I don’t want him to feel he has to call me back.

I’m a little worried that Bucky doesn’t like having me around all that much. We’ve spent a lot of time together and probably understand each other more than me and Wanda or me and Loki for that matter. I told him about my year with Loki and he may be the only person who didn’t question me over my relationship with Loki. Maybe because he doesn’t know who that is really, but it’s nice to have a somewhat outside point of view on it. Everybody else I’ve ever talked to him about has somehow been affected by him. 

I told Bucky that I won’t be able to totally clear him unless I go inside his head and actually see his memories rather than what he’s talking about. Otherwise, he’ll have to be sent somewhere with medication and that’s the last thing I want for him. 

The human mind cannot be tamed. No medicine can truly suppress memories or undo someone’s psychosis. 

It’s like rebooting a computer or something, you can restart it as many times as you like but at some point, you have to hand it over to Tony (or someone else who knows computers) and have them go in and rewire it for you or reset it from there. 

Not that I think every person needs a psychic to fix their mental problems. If the computer is set to be crazy, without a whole new motherboard, it’ll always be crazy.

If I think about it… Bucky and I are pretty close not that that bothers Steve. I think he’s glad we’re getting along because Sam relentlessly teases Bucky all the time. Though, Bucky teases him right back. 

I unclip my bra from inside my robe and get under the covers of the comforter and turn off the light. I lay back and look at the painted ceiling of the angels. I smile and remember they gave me the angel room. Staring at the baby with golden eyes, the golden halo, and fall asleep.

 

“Heimy!” Valoria cheered as she came running into the observatory. “Heimy, Heimy!”

Heimdall turns around and suddenly, Valoria jumps into his arms and kisses him deeply.

“I’m pregnant!” Valoria calls. “I’m with child!”

“Are you serious?” Heimdall smiles, brightly. Valoria nods and the two embrace again.

 

I gasp awake the next day confused by the memory that came to my head. When I open my eyes, there’s no one there and I lay back and suppose it may have something to do with the baby. The baby that’s supposed to be me.

When my father gave me the Valoria memories, he gave me all of them. I just haven’t gone through and “watched” all of them yet. That one was a nice one, my mother was very excited to learn she was pregnant and it bothers me to still not know the full extent of why she has two daughters with enhanced beings and gods. 

Lorelei, my beloved sissy, is probably dead by now based on what Heimdall has said happened to her if she goes back to my mother.

The door of my room opens and an attendant of the palace and the assistant they stuck me with, Hattie comes in.

“Good morning, Havallah,” Hattie says. “There is a breakfast summit you’ll be attending at nine, then you’re meeting with the Prime Minister at eleven thirty, you’re meeting with the Royal Family to enjoy a late lunch with them and then you should be going home today at around six.”

I continue looking at her and just nod. She smiles, the attendant stays.

“May I help you?” I ask her.

“My daughter is a big fan,” she says. “Would you mind?”

“No,” I sigh and take a picture with her.

 

I know that I told Steve that I didn’t want children, but the royal children are absolutely adorable. They keep running through the legs of the adults and they asked me if I’d prefer if the adults could talk alone and I told them no. I told them that when I was in Asgard and my parents would be having meals with the King I’d do the exact same thing.

This entire trip has been more nostalgia after the other. I got roped into attending a polo match while I was visiting so I’m flowing home later than I meant. My bags float behind me as I zoom through the air, knowing I’ll be home in just a couple of minutes.

When I do finally arrive at the apartment, I open the door to Howie yapping at my feet. I pull my suitcase inside and shut the door.

“What you haven’t been getting as much attention since I left? It’s only been a couple days,” I smile and reach down to him. I notice that no one is in the living room of the apartment and before I go knock on Bucky’s door he exits.

“You’re home,” He sighs. “Good.”

“Where’s Steve?” I ask. 

“He’s packing,” Bucky explains.

“For what?” 

“There’s an emergency at the Avengers base,” Bucky says. “You didn’t get a call?”

“No,” I state. “Are you coming too?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna be there for a while,” Bucky says. “It’s a chance for me to meet everyone so I’m excited.”

“As you should be,” I smile and put Howie down finally. “You’re going to love Wanda.”

Bucky chuckles. “Like you did?” He goes over to the dining table we have and I sit down next to him.

“She’s nice,” I say. “Why are we going back? What happened?”

“Your father’s here,” Bucky says. I furrow my eyebrows and realize the house feels different. Everything about it feels weird. The lights are all off except the one in the kitchen. Steve finally comes out of the bedroom and is surprised to see me.

“Hey, Hav,” He says and opens the fridge. He takes out the gallon of milk and a glass. 

“What’s going on?” I ask him. He turns and looks at Bucky.

“What was I not supposed to tell her?” Bucky shrugs. 

“Yeah, Thor’s back,” Steve says. “So, we’re gonna be at the base for a while.”

“Okay,” I nod. “Why are you being so weird?”

“I’m not,” Steve says. “We… I just had plans for us and now we have to go back.”

“We’ve been here for a while though, it’s not all that bad,” I chuckle, nervously. Steve doesn’t smile back and still hasn’t poured his glass of milk. “Steve.”

He pours the milk now and takes a sip of it. He puts into the fridge and sits down at the table. 

“You okay?” Bucky asks him.

Steve nods. “I’m fine, it’s just… I mean… Bruce is alive.”

My jaw drops and I blink at him. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Steve answers. “I want to get back to see him like right now. So, can you pack up?”

“Yes, of course,” I say and go into the bedroom. But, our walls are thin and I hear something.

“That’s not all of it,” Bucky says. “What is it?”

“Buck, I can’t… I can’t tell you. I can barely tell her.”

My heart drops just a little bit and I get out another suitcase and pack my clothes.

 

The car ride is silent on the way over to the tower. Howie is in his carrier bag and I’m staring at the street. They were right about New York never sleeps. Bucky sits in the back seat, looking out the window too and Steve just keeps driving.

“Hav,” Steve says. I look over at him and he’s offering his hand. I take it and squeeze it gently. 

“What?” I say above a whisper. His hands are extremely sweaty and he has some on his forehead as well. Bucky’s eyes are glued on him as well. He begins to squeeze my hand and the wheel harder. I suck in a breath. “Steve, what is it?”

“I’m just…” Steve mumbles to himself. He squeezes my hand together and I shut my eyes as I feel a bone crack.

“Steve,” Bucky says, cutting in. 

“I don’t feel good at all,” Steve says.

“Pull over,” Bucky orders. Steve does so and gets out of the car. Bucky gets out too and I stay sitting as I look at my hand which begins to heal back to normal. Steve stumbles and vomits onto the sidewalk and I gasp and get out of the car. 

“Steve,” I call out.

Bucky looks at me and puts up a hand to me. I stop and stand there as Steve is on his knees now and sighs back. The cool air is all around us and dries some sweat on Steve’s forehead. 

“You should get back in the car,” Bucky orders. He looks down at Steve, who hasn’t said anything and I go back and get in now. 

Five minutes later, Steve and Bucky get back in and Bucky takes the driver seat. Steve lays his head on the back and Bucky fires up the car.

“Do you know where we’re going?”

“The big tower in the sky,” Bucky replies. He keeps driving and I look back at Steve, who I sense, feels my eyes on him. He opens them and I notice now that his eyes are a bit red making them even bluer. I don’t say anything and turn back around. I know something’s wrong now, but don’t say anything.

We get into the jet and it flies automatically set for the base. Steve hasn’t said one word to me and can barely look at me.

“I’m excited to meet your dad,” Bucky says as we get closer.

“Oh really?” I reply. “I’m sure he’d like you.”

“He liked Steve, didn’t he?”

“Who doesn’t?” I say. I look at Steve again and he has no reaction. 

The jet lands now and it opens up and Tony is standing in front of us. He doesn’t say a word and opens the carrier and takes out Howie. 

“You’re not going to greet us?” I say to him. He looks at me and hugs me and then escorts me off the jet. 

“Hello, Hava,” Tony says. “Good ride over?”

“Yes, it was fine,” I tell him as we walk out of the bay and into the base. “How is Bruce?”

“He’s fine, he’s good,” Tony says. “I’m glad to have him back you know. He’s glad to be back too.”

“How’s Natasha?” 

“Oh, she’s good too,” Tony says. 

“Everyone’s good? Then, what’s the big emergency?” I ask. Tony’s face drops but quickly comes back together.

“No big emergency. Just wanted to have a little reunion.”

“Steve said it was an emergency.”

“Well, he’s just being ridiculous. It’s a party. That’s why you’re coming back.”

“A party?” I chuckle. “That’s ridiculous too.”

Tony shakes his head. “How was London?”

“I liked it. It reminded me of Asgard. Speaking of which since my father and Thor are back, I think I should go back for a while too. You know just to visit.”

Tony turns pale and looks sickly when I say that. We’re about to enter the common room when he stops me. “Odin died.”

“Oh no,” I say. “That’s… horrible. That’s terrible.”

“Yes, well… Thor’s a little shaken up about it,” Tony warns. 

“Lots of news with this visit, huh?” I say. “Odin’s death, Bruce is back-”

I enter the common room and Tony reaches out to stop me. Speaking of a stop, everything and everyone in the room stops when I enter.

I gasp at who stands in front of me. Midnight colored hair, pale skin, frost colored eyes that don’t look dead or confused. My heart pounds against my chest and my mouth opens wide. He looks at me, looking nervous. Almost everybody's there and I hear Steve and Bucky come down the hallway. I wonder if what I’m seeing is fake. That I’m just seeing things. My hands begin to shake and get sweaty as oxygen hitches in my throat. I feel tears come to my eyes and I step closer. 

He has no idea what to expect from me. I look him from head to toe taking in his outfit and what he wears. 

My father stands in the corner with full on dreadlocks now and a woman also stands there with her lips pursed as she watches. Thor, with his hair all gone now, and one of his eyes stands watching nervously. 

Natasha stops from where she is with Bruce, who also is on edge. Everybody in this room is on edge. 

For me, I feel oddly at peace. I finally get within inches of him and I put a hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat underneath his skin. I let out a sigh as he looks at my hand. 

The ice instead of shooting pains through my nails begin to blossom and move in circles since I am standing within feet of a frost giant.

“You’re alive,” I say to him. He looks down at me and meets my eyes. They're trying to find something in me.

“Yes, Hava,” He says. I grind my teeth and pull him into a hug. He doesn’t immediately hug me back, but as he relaxes, he gently puts a hand on my back. He lets out a shaky breath as he realizes I’m not going to hurt him. I breathe in the scent of him and he hugs me tighter into him and the tears in my eyes disappear. There is that, how well he knows my body. Or me in general. 

He lets go as I do and I step back from him.

“I’ve had a long day, I’m gonna go to bed,” I say and turn to walk out of the room. Steve follows behind me and now I know why he was so on edge.

“Hav,” Steve calls out. I keep walking and Steve catches up with me. “Hey, you okay?”

“I’m fine, but I want to go to sleep,” I tell him. “I’ve had a long day.”

“Havallah,” Steve pulls on my arm. I frown and look back at him.

“I’m fine,” I say to him. “Let’s go to bed.”

He nods and I pull on him and we go to bed.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Steve asks from his bed. I stand in the bathroom and continue brushing my teeth. I spit into the sink and turn the water on.

“No, not really,” I reply. “Did you know?”

“Yeah. That’s why I- it’s hard for me to keep something from you. Especially something like that,” Steve says. “I guess it wasn’t really my place to tell you.”

“I wish you would’ve,” I say.

“Everybody begged me not to. They said you wouldn’t come.”

“And why does everyone want me here so badly?”

“I think they think that it’ll help you. And with what’s recently surfaced in your head…” Steve sighs. I sit down on the bed now and lay back. 

“I don’t care. Even though I’m here I’m not talking to him. I can’t, I can barely look at him,” I say. I crawl towards him and into his arms. “Did you think I was gonna hurt him?”

“No, I figured you’d do something like that,” Steve sighs. “I thought maybe you’d… I don’t kiss him or something.”

“Steve,” I mumble, shaking my head. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Yes, but he- he would Hav, and your relationship is strange to me so I expected everything and anything,” Steve says. “But, if you’re telling me I have nothing to worry about…”

“I am,” I nod.

“Then, I’m not worried about it. And I do think you should talk to him, ask him any questions you have.”

“I don’t want to,” I whisper back. “I can’t.”

“Okay, then we can head back sooner rather than later,” Steve says. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clarify some confusion, yes that was Loki that she saw. I mean what other frost giants do we know?

When I awake the next morning, I stare for a moment. The bright sunshine entering the room is driving me insane and I sit up and find myself not on Earth. 

_ Odin’s Beard!  _ I want to cry, knowing that I’m transported back here. That I’m deep in a dream and I’m not waking up anytime soon. I look at the clock to try to figure out when this memory takes place. It’s mid-morning. 

I crawl out of bed and slump off the mattress knowing what’s going to happen this morning. My body moves on its own as it re-enacts what the memory is. 

I walk into the bathroom and when I see myself in the mirror, I’m smiling though in retrospect I want to cry. I begin to get ready for the day as I brush my black hair and try (without success) to wiggle off the ring on my finger. Ice cracks around my eyes and I groan. I keep looking at myself in the mirror. I walk out and change my clothing and begin to braid my hair for the day.

I sigh and look around the empty hotel bedroom. Loki’s been gone for a couple days now trying to negotiate me to be sent home. Or at that time, I thought to try to get some money to get me somewhere within Heimdall’s range. 

As I get to the fifth knot, I know that in seconds the door will be kicked in and someone from the Black Order will try to take me. I’ll put up a fight in which I kill one of Thanos’ children and this revokes any chance of me going home. 

The door is kicked in and I turn around. They move towards me with a scepter with the mind stone in its middle. I growl and they shoot at me but a white shield blocks it off hitting them back. 

We engage in a brawl which ends with me sticking the scepter deep into their rib cage. 

God, I hate that stone. It really brings out my dark side. And now I know, the chaos in me.

As I hold the scepter and admire it, I feel its power. 

They’re still alive and grab at my leg. I kick them back in the chin and fly into the air and step onto their chest. They gasp for oxygen as I restrict their lungs. I lift my foot and allow for one last breath and then shatter the bones, puncturing their heart, lungs and everything in between.

I turn and see the horror on another’s face. They run towards me and try to attack me, but they're too weak. 

Wait… Wait! As I watch, I fix my horror. This isn’t right. This isn’t that memory. The memory isn’t real I see now. As what was put into my head, the facade fades, I’m standing in Germany. 

The human I just killed was someone’s mother. The older one, a brother maybe, I grab their throat and tear it out. He drops to the floor and two children watch. Their eyes are round and scared. Though, they don’t run. Just like the others.

“Havallah!” A voice yells. It’s louder than all the others. They don’t hear it. It’s God-like. I know it’s coming from the outside.

I gasp awake and find Loki looking back at me. Natasha struggles to get up out of the shambles of the closet door. I feel tears running down my cheeks and Loki takes me into my arms as I begin to sob into his shoulder. I grasp for him and sob harder. I open my eyes and see Steve, standing with bruises around his neck. I move out of Loki’s arm and run to Steve, who takes me into his arms tightly.

“You’re okay,” Steve whispers into my hair. Loki is up now and moves to help Natasha. Natasha stands and watches. I look at her.

“What did I do?” I ask quietly.

“It’s just a nightmare. Steve tried to wake you up, but you… it’s fine. We’re good,” Natasha says.

“It’s not fine,” Loki cuts in. He looks at me through the darkness. “Havallah, what happened?”

“You changed something in my head,” I answer. “It just recently unveiled itself.” 

I think about the memory and cringe. Loki steps towards me and tries to read my eyes in the darkness.

“The capturing,” Loki says. “That happened. You did kill one of the Black Order and the thing in Germany. That happened too.”

My heart sinks and I look at Natasha and then Steve. I slowly walk towards my bed and sit down.

“Go away,” I say to him. Loki doesn’t move. “I said go away.”

“Hava, I’m not leaving. Don’t you have more questions?”

“When will you stop lying to everyone that cares about you?” I ask him. His face contorts into anger. “Did you rape me?”

Loki’s eyebrows furrow and he inhales. “What do you think?”

Steve's eyes lock on Loki with a burning hatred and Natasha sees it.

“Steve, why don’t we leave them to talk?” Natasha tries.

“I’m not leaving him alone with her,” Steve says, his voice breaking. I realize now I must’ve choked him which is why his voice is so raspy.

“She can take of herself,” Natasha says. She moves past Loki and takes Steve’s arm. “Five minutes.”

Steve swallows and then nods, hesitantly. Natasha takes him out of the room and closes the door. Loki doesn’t sit next to me and stays standing. I notice his clothing and the fact that he’s wearing a plain t-shirt with some green colored sweatpants. 

“I don’t know what to think,” I say. 

“You know the answer, Hava.”

“No, you didn’t,” I answer. I look up at him and find in his eyes that this whole conversation: it’s something he’s waited a long time for. 

“You’re right.”

“So, why is that I remember it?”

“Do you remember me actually penetrating you? The pressure… anything?”

“No,” I answer. “I don’t remember that.”

“Because it didn’t happen. When I lost, I snuck into your room and changed some things in your head. So when they asked questions you wouldn't have answers, so you’d be useless so you could go home. I underestimated you. You’re an epitome of innocence and life and you felt horrible for what you did and you stayed. You were supposed to return home.”

Loki tries not to sound angry. This whole time he’s been completely and royally pissed off.

“Why are you so upset?”

“I thought that if you went to Asgard, perhaps we could… be together someday. Odin loved you and I thought that-”

“That’s selfish,” I bark.

“I know,” Loki says and sits next to me. “Look who you’re talking to.”

I look at the floor and sigh. “Was I apart of your plan the whole time?”

“Define the whole time.”

“When you got Thor all riled up and got him to convince us to go to Jotunheim. Was I apart of the plan?”

“I needed to get the key back to Asgard without Heimdall seeing it so yes.”

“But, you’re a frost giant. You can open it yourself.”

“I didn’t know that then.”

“What about taking me with you into the abyss?”

Loki sighs and sits back. “Wasn’t really that planned. I got lucky, I suppose, having you with. It made them go easier on me since I had the one thing that could completely ruin my plan.”

“Did you love me?”

“I do love you,” Loki replies and moves some hair behind my ear. It glances over my scar, settling there, but nothing happens. I don’t know if it’s because it’s him or because I know some truth. “I never meant for you to get hurt. I honestly wanted to send you home. I figured if I did there’s no way that you’ll ever leave Asgard again and I could go on invading Earth.”

Loki takes his hand back. “I’m sorry.”

The door opens and Steve stands there. “It’s been five minutes.”

Loki doesn’t object and he stands up and leaves. Steve shuts the door, with a heavy sigh. I move back onto the bed and he sits down.

“Are you alright?” He says, taking my hands. I don’t look at him. He squeezes my hands. “Hav.”

I look up and don’t say anything.

“What’s wrong? Did he say something?” Steve says.

“I… I don’t know what to do,” I reply. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t…”

I break out into sobs and Steve takes me into his arms. He begins to stroke some of my hair as I continue crying.

“I’m a monster. I really- I killed those people, Steve.”

“Sh,” Steve shushes. “You’re not a monster, Havallah.”

But, this time… he doesn’t sound as convinced.

 

“You want to go on a run?” Steve asks me. He’s standing in his exercise clothes. I look up at him and shake my head from where I lay under the covers of the bed. “It’s almost eleven thirty.”

“I don’t want…” I begin. Steve takes back the covers of the bed. 

“Havallah, you have to get up. We got to get you moving,” Steve says and pulls me off the bed. He sits me up and takes off my shirt. He gives me a sports bra and I pull it on and puts a sweatshirt over me. He snakes off my sleeping shorts and replaces them for exercise ones. He stands me up, taking my hand and leads me over to my sneakers. He puts some socks on for me and then ties up my shoes. He takes my hand again and takes me out of the room. He walks me down the stairs and out of the facility without going to the common room. We walk about and he knows I’m smiling at the swirl of voices. 

He starts to jog towards the woods where we always go and I follow him and instead of running I float into the air and fly next to him. 

“You can go higher,” he says.

“Only if you come with me,” I reply. I know Steve isn’t one for heights so I continue to float next to him. He stops and thinks.

“Okay,” He says. “Let’s go flying, Hav.”

“No way,” I say and land. “You hate heights.”

“But, I love you more,” Steve says. I smile and kiss him and with that, he floats into the air and tries to not look too terrified. I come into the air too.

“I’ve got you, you know,” I say to him and he begins to follow me. “Race you.”

“To where?” Steve calls out. I only smile again and go at my highest speed straight into the air. Steve follows hesitantly flying right after me. 

“You’re getting closer!” I laugh as I speed through the clouds.

“I’m getting the hang of this,” Steve says. He flies after me taking my hips. He pulls me back and I turn and kiss him. Steve brings me closer and I wrap my arms around his neck. We begin to kiss passionately and twist as we float to the ground. We land and continue kissing.

“Havallah,” Thor’s voice booms. I turn and look at him. He’s standing there with the woman from earlier. “I was just uh… looking for you.”

“Oh, really?” I reply. 

“You two have fun?” Thor asks. 

“Don’t answer him,” I say to Steve. I kiss him again, lightly. “Now, you can go on your run.”

Steve smirks and turns towards the woods probably to meet up with Sam. 

“This is… Brunnhilde,” Thor says introducing me. “She’s a Valkyrie.”

I blink and move towards her with a bright smile. “Really? That’s so… that’s amazing. I wanted to be a Valkyrie when I was little.”

“You would probably make a good one,” She replies. “It’s nice to meet you, Havallah. Thor,  you didn’t tell me she was all grown up… and cute at that.”

“Well,” Thor whines. “Not that cute.” I roll my eyes and look at her.

“Thank you,” I reply. “At least someone appreciates me still.”

“How could I not?” She asks, looking me up and down. I smile and look at Thor.

“Why did you need to find me, Thor?” 

“I wanted to talk to you. Just the two of us, Brunnie, if you wouldn’t mind,” Thor says, eyeing her. She nods and goes back inside. 

We begin to walk across the courtyard. 

“I wanted to talk to you about last night,” Thor says. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I nod. “How are you?”

“I lost Mjolnir,” Thor admits. I look at him, surprised. “Also, my sister, Hela… she destroyed Asgard. Well, Surtur destroyed Asgard.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had to bring on Ragnarok,” Thor says. “It’s a whole mess. I got banished to Saakar and that’s where I found Bruce. Loki was there too and he and Brunnie helped us get back to Asgard.”

“Loki helped you?”

“Well, we’ve begun a new chapter in our relationship as well as in life,” Thor explains. “I would really like for you to… allow him to apologize.”

I shake my head and snicker. “No. I’m tired of being involved in Odinson squabbles. Trust me on that.”

Thor smacks his lips and stops us from walking and takes hold of my shoulders. “It’d be so good for you, Havallah. You know that you need it.”

I look past Thor at the woods and then back at him. I take his wrists and squeeze. He grunts in pain as he falls onto his knees. “No, I don’t.”

I let go of him and turn towards the base to go back inside.

“Havallah, please,” Thor begs. “He’s in so much pain over it. And he can apologize to you and… please.”

I turn and look at him. I walk back at him and take a handful of his hair. He’s really starting to piss me off. “I said no.”

“Havallah, let’s not get into an argument over strengths,” Thor says. “I’m stronger.”

“Are you?” I reply. I allow for him to stand up and I offer my hands. He takes them and before we begin I have to say something. “Let’s try not to destroy the landscape.”

He chuckles and gives me a push. I allow for him to think that I’m struggling for a moment, but in a feat, I push back. He digs his heels in an attempt to stop me, but he just goes deeper hitting the mud. Suddenly, lightning crackles in his veins and I’m being pushed back.

“Oh god of thunder, right?” I reply. “What am I the goddess of?”

“Whining?” Thor replies. I chuckle and in a surge, psychic energy rushes through my hands and I push Thor back. He flies into the air and then lands on the ground. He stands back up quickly.

“Please is that it?” Thor huffs.

“You never know when to give up do you?” I reply and he walks back towards me with lightning around his fists. He goes in for a punch, but I dodge and with the same white balls of powers I hurl them at him and he dodges as well. 

We stand on opposite sides of each other, now trying to analyze for the next move. Thor runs towards me with a crackle of electricity and pushes into my chests. I go flying through the air and land on some bushes. 

From me, white rings fly through the air and get caught on his fists. I get out of the bushes and throw another that wraps around his waist. Using rings that appear out of the air, I jump onto them getting to where Thor is in the air now. I punch him into the ground where he skidders and falls into the lake. I follow him going onto the bank and knee deep in the water. I listen for a second, but soon lightning rains down and electrocutes the entire body of water as well as me in it.

I shake with pain and fall into the water. Thor comes up and I look at him with a frown. I float into the air and put together a white ball of energy but before I get a chance to throw it (and Thor’s ready for it too). Somebody calls out. We both turn around and fall out of our positions.

Natasha, Heimdall, Tony, Steve, and Sam all stand watching, impatiently. 

“What are you doing?” Heimdall asks. Thor comes out of the water and stands next to me. 

“Nothing,” We both answer at the same time. I realize that energy is still in my hands and Thor elbows me. I squeeze it feeling my veins turn white and my eyes too. White rings float over both of us drying us off.

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” Natasha says. 

“I was just showing Havallah uhm… the lake,” Thor says. “Have you seen the lake, Havallah?”

I don’t respond to him and lock eyes with Tony.

“It’s like a bunch of children,” Tony mumbles and turns to go back inside. Steve smiles at me and goes back with him. Sam just shakes his head and follows. Natasha and Heimdall aren’t done with us just yet. 

“I just wanted her to talk to Loki,” Thor says. I roll my eyes and flick his head, knowing that some of the energy is going to bite at him. “Ow!”

 

I go back inside with Heimdall. He’s looking at me, trying to read me.

“Papa,” I begin. “What?”

“Did you have a chance to look at the memories, yet?” Heimdall asks. I look at him and shake my head. The memories he refers to since him and my mother were mind locked for the duration of her pregnancy are a lot. I don’t have time. 

“No,” I admit. “I’ve been busy.”

“With what?” Heimdall asks as we head down a hallway to the main area. 

“You know, my boyfriend, I’ve been helping Bucky. I’m kind of a diplomat. I have things I have to do outside of watching memories of my deadbeat mother,” I sigh and put my hands into the pockets of the sweatshirt. It’s my favorite white one that is really Steve’s that he must’ve packed. 

“You and your words,” Heimdall mumbles. 

“Did Lorelei get back okay?”

“Yes, I had Thor bring her to a correspondent of your mother’s.”

“So, not even he could tell me how she’s doing?” 

“I thought you didn’t care,” Heimdall says, stopping me. I look at my father and then away from him at Natasha and Thor who are coming down the hall.

“I don’t,” I say, my eyes still on them. “My curiosity, however, is getting the best of me.”

Heimdall pulls me into a hug of which I stand for a second. Then, smile and hug him back. Rarely does he ever do anything like that for me.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more of a loving father to you-” _ Damn it!  _ I forgot he can hear me. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“It’s okay,” I say to him, my words getting caught in the fabric of his clothing. “Come on, I’m hungry.”

I finally wiggle my way out of his arms just in time to be next to Thor again.

“Are you hungry?” I ask him.

“Only if you have pop tarts,” Thor replies. “I love those.”

I roll my eyes and go into the kitchen where Sam has already put out a bowl of my favorite cereal for me. I sit down next to him and pour some milk and begin eating. 

“Perfect little routine, we got here,” Sam smiles. “You left me eating breakfast with Vision.”

“Vision doesn’t eat,” I reply and take another bite.

“Exactly,” Sam responds. I turn and watch as my father and Natasha come into the room. Looking as if they know something, the rest of us don’t. I try not to roll my eyes and just shove another bite in. Steve is watching me and looks at Natasha. He holds an apple in his hand. 

“You okay, Nat?” Steve asks. Natasha takes the pop tarts in Thor’s hand and puts them into the toaster for him.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Natasha replies.

“I threw you into a closet last night,”  I reply as Heimdall sits next to me. 

“Oh that,” Natasha says and takes Steve’s apple. She takes a bite. “I’m fine.”

“Not sore or anything?” I ask her.

_ Stop it, Havallah  _ Heimdall scolds me.

“No…” Natasha says, picking up exactly what I’m putting down.

“Okay, good,” I say and take another bite. Thor watches the interactions and Sam just sighs and takes another spoonful of Life. The pop tarts pop up now and Thor takes one straight out of the toaster and takes a bite of it, letting crumbs spill all over his shirt. “I just… that’s weird. I guess you can take it.”

_ Havallah!  _ Heimdall barks in my mind.

“You can probably take a lot can’t you?” I respond. Natasha folds her arms, getting seriously upset with me. Steve shakes his head and clicks his tongue. 

“Hav…” Steve says.

“It’s an innocent question,” I say and smash some of the pieces of cereal together in the bowl. “Not my fault, she won’t answer. Can you take it, Natasha?”

“Havallah,” Heimdall yells now. I look over at him; everybody else again is on edge. I’m perfectly calm.

“Yes,” I answer. 

“Stop, you’re being rude,” Heimdall orders.

“I didn’t realize I was doing something wrong because if I had, I would have apologized. I’m sorry,” I say. Thor looks between everyone now and I know the big buffoon (that I love so much) is going to say something incredibly idiotic.

“Oh!” Thor exclaims. He looks at Heimdall, one of his best friends. “You should take care of that.”

“Thank you, Thor,” Heimdall replies. I get up and I’m about to exit the kitchen when I see Wanda and Loki enter through the doorway. Steve leans off the counter now and everybody becomes tense, again. Though, this time I have joined them. 

Loki and Wanda both look at me. Considering I hated both of them at some point, I see its fit that they enjoy each other’s company.

“Good morning, Wanda,” I greet her. I look at Loki. “Good morning, Loki.”

“Hava,” Loki says. I walk past them and out of the kitchen and begin to go outside. I walk out of the facility and lean against the building and take a deep breath. 

I feel a strange urge to cry. But, I don’t know over what.  

 

Inside, for some reason, I think my father tries to tell me the scene from in there. I hesitantly listen.

“What are you doing?” Thor asks Loki as he sits down at the table.

“What do you mean what am I doing?” Loki replies. Wanda gets out two mugs and her teapot she brought from Sokovia. She fills it with water, puts it on the stove then turns it on.

“You said you were going to apologize,” Thor says.

“I did,” Loki says.

“You call last night an apology?” Natasha asks. “She was having a nightmare from something you covered up.”

“You weren’t there for the conversation, how would you know if I apologized or not?” Loki responds back.

“You said you’d make her feel better,” Heimdall says. “She’s still the same.”

“Well, Heimdall I cannot correct the damage you and Valoria already inflicted on her with your A-plus parenting,” Loki says. I laugh, sadly. “It’s going to take time. There’s not some magic word I can say and she’ll just get over the whole-”

“Tortured and raped thing?” Steve cuts in. 

Loki narrows his eyes and shakes his head. “You should really ask Hava to tell you the full story.”

“Well, I’m asking you,” Steve replies. Loki smiles and looks at Heimdall.

“I really shouldn’t say anything in front of her father,” Loki says. 

“Loki, stop,” Thor says, knowing his brother is somewhat enjoying this. “You’ll apologize or I’ll let her kill you.”

The room goes quiet and Steve shakes his head.

“What is it, Captain?” Loki says through the silence.

“She won’t kill him,” Steve says. “She’s better than that.”

“Well, I won’t argue there.”

 

“Hava,” Bucky says. I look over at him and he sits next to me. His hair is pulled back in a bun and he must’ve gone on a run or something. “I heard about last night. Are you okay?”

I look at him, feeling my jaw twitches and I hold back tears. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”

Bucky looks out at the woods. “You know you can’t fool with me that shit, right?”

I chuckle and lean on his metal shoulder. He looks at me and then slowly moves his arm so he wraps around me and tries not to squeeze me to tight. 

“I… I have so many people trying to stick up for me. That care about me and here I am wishing they’d all go away.”

“Even Steve?”

“No, of course not. I mean everybody has watched me suffer for the past four years and… all they want is something better for me. That’s why they pushed so hard with Steve and here I am. Happy.”

“You’re lucky that you have so many people.”

“You have people too. You have Steve and I.”

“And what about when you guys move on?”

“We’re not moving on any time soon. At least not until you’re ready to get back out there.”

“Define get back out there,” Bucky says.

“I don’t know… you get a job, you can have the apartment. I’m not exactly attached to it. I really like London or somewhere quiet like this.”

“What were you thinking about before I found you?”

“My father was making me watch the conversation in the kitchen that I left. Also, Natasha slept with him.”

Bucky raises an eyebrow and looks at me. “Wow.”

“Wow indeed.”

“You should talk to him, Hava. You’re lucky that someone with answers is still alive,” Bucky says. “You owe it to yourself to just get it all out. How you feel about him, why he did what he did, you should do it before he dies for real and you’re actually lost.”

“Hey,” Wanda says as she interrupts the two of us. I sit up and look at her. She holds two mugs. “I brought you some tea.”

“Thank you, Wanda,” I say. 

“I’m gonna head inside, I’ll talk to you later,” Bucky says and leaves. Wanda comes and sits down and hands a mug over.

“Thank you really,” I smile. “I’m surprised. This is nice.”

“You’re welcome,” Wanda says and takes a sip. “I’m not friends with Loki. He just knows magic and he’s really good-”

“I know,” I nod. “He used to come with Frigga when she was teaching me. He called my magic baby magic, but… he was right. Frigga was going to easy on me.”

“He’s charming,” Wanda says. “It’s contradicting.”

“Well, he’s something,” I say and take a sip of the violet infused tea.

“Are you going to talk to him?”

“I swear to all the great gods if I get asked that one more time,” I groan. “Maybe I’m being stupid. I should do it.”

 

At around 5 pm, the usual cooks which consist of Sam, Steve, Wanda, and my father begin to make dinner and the rest of us either get drunk around them or lay back until it’s ready. 

I’m laying on the couch as Brunnie and Thor laugh together because they’re drunk. 

“Hava,” Thor laughs. “Just have one drink, it’ll cheer you up.”

“No, it won’t,” I say and look at the open bottle of vodka. I sit up and pour a shot and they both smile. I pour them one too. “To Thor being back.”

“To me, yes!” Thor smiles and takes it. I take a sip of it and then lay back onto the couch.

“Drunk already, brother?” Loki says as he enters. Brunnie turns and pours him a drink. “Come get a drink, you.”

Loki hesitantly moves over to the couch and sits next to her on the floor. He takes the drink and drinks all of it to which Thor cheers. 

“Yes,” Thor says and kicks Loki, he groans. “That’s what we need. Are you going to talk to Hava?”

“Am I going to talk to Hava…” Loki ponders. He looks at me. “I don’t know, Havallah, am I going to talk to you?”

I look over at him. “Ten minutes.”

“Goodie,” Loki says.

 

We walk outside away from everybody else and I begin to walk towards the woods. He follows me knowing that the reason I want away from everyone is so I don’t have to hear anyone’s thoughts. We walk about twenty feet into the woods when he stops me.

“This is far enough,” Loki says and sits on a rock. “Come on.”

I look at the spot next to him and then him. 

“You don’t have to pretend out here. And I won’t either, sit down, Hava.”

I move through the woods, hearing every crunch and crack of the deer just a hundred feet away from us. I sit next to him and fold my knees and put my head on my black jeans. 

“So… why do you like it here so much?” Loki sighs, sitting back. 

“I like the people,” I admit.

“Mm… of course you do,” Loki says. “How could you not love the humans?”

“You don’t.”

“They’re idiotic, impulsive and beautiful all at the same time.”

“You and I admire them for very different reasons.”

“Do you really mean for us to have a talk about philosophy? We’ve had a conversation like this before. Stop stalling, Havallah and ask me what you want.”

“Everyone thinks that if we talk, I won’t have any flashbacks or nightmares anymore.”

“Flashbacks?”

“I don’t usually have nightmares. Normally, they’d spring up out of triggers while I’m awake.”

“I remember that about you… you don’t dream. You never had them while we were in captivity,” Loki shifts in the darkness. “May I ask you a question?”

“Why not.”

“Do you hate me?” Loki asks, his eyes trying to find something in me. “Do you?”

“No,” I reply and take his hand. “I don’t hate you, Loki I could never.”

“You don’t love me anymore though.”

“Now, who told you that?” I say and squeeze his hand. He looks at me and smiles at my small smile. “Thor told me… you were struggling with this.”

“I was avoiding this, however, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive yourself for what you did. And that’s the key to not having the flashbacks, the nightmares.”

I take back my hand and adjust myself on the rock. 

“And did you forgive yourself?”

“For what I put you through? No, I don’t know if I ever will.”

“But for New York?”

“I honestly don’t really care-”

“Remember when we said we don’t have to pretend out here? Stop it and just talk to me,” I beg him. “You keep going from Loki to the God of Mischief. Just be yourself, I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I’m really supposed to believe that?”

“Yes,” I say. “Please. I’m not going to play games with you.”

Loki relaxes and I watch as his skin turns blue and he lets go of his illusion. 

“Now, what to do with you,” I begin and come onto my knees. I can’t help but smooth down his hair and allow him to relax in my arms. I feel a desperate urge to kiss his forehead, for him to know that I’m here, but I resist. “Thor said you wanted to apologize.”

“I am sorry, Hava. I could’ve tried harder to take you home, I could have tried harder to send you back to Asgard the second we hit Earth, but I didn’t and for that I’m sorry. Being alongside you is the most… the best thing that I can possibly ask for. I was selfish for bringing you with. It was for all the wrong selfish reasons.”

He turns and looks at me, his crimson colored eyes looking at mine. “Forgive me.”

“I forgive you,” I hear myself saying. Something about the way he… I’m a hopeless little slave to him it makes me sick, but at this moment all I can do is obey to his commands. 

“And for this,” Loki says as he takes my face in his hands.

He looked at my lips and then back at me and pressed his lips against mine in a passionate kiss. One of which, I, unfortunately, returned.


	21. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. Enjoy.

I made a mistake. A big mistake. 

My body begins to react without any more of my say as my lips begin to move with his. For once, I win and regain control and stop kissing him.

He stops and our foreheads stay touching. His hand sits on my thigh and the other on the rock. My arms are crossed against my chest as I gasp.

“I had to do that at least once more,” He says and takes his hand from my thigh and moves some stray hair and puts it behind my ear. He does so on the other side, touching my scar and something clicks.

I’m transported back in time. 

It’s the same setup with both Loki and I. We’re in a hotel room and I’m young. Still fifteen, it’s the day before my sixteenth birthday and Loki is looking at me.

“Sorry, you wouldn’t stop talking,” Loki says and gets up going over to the window. 

I’m back in the present and I look at his lips as he waits for a reaction.

“Loki…” I say and move back away from him. “We should go back inside.”

 

I sit through dinner, completely in a haze. I know exactly why he kissed me. Everybody’s laughing and I haven’t said much, but Loki knows that what he’s done has deeply thrown me off. He won’t stop looking at me and soon Steve notices. He turns and leans down to my ear.

“What did he do?” Steve whispers.

“Nothing,” I reply. “I’m not very hungry anymore.”

“Do you want to go to bed?” Steve mumbles under everything else. I nod and he gets up and helps me out of my chair. He takes my hand and leads us back into his room. 

I fall onto the bed and take a deep breath. “I have to tell you something.”

Steve picks up his toothbrush and mine, somehow he’s put the paste on it and I haven’t even noticed. He walks into the bedroom and hands it to me.

“What?” He asks and moves the bristles through his perfect teeth. I look up at him and he puts the brush down. “What, Hava?”

I keep looking at him and feel tears sting in my eyes. He wipes any residue toothpaste from his mouth and moves closer, cautiously.

“What happened, Havallah?” He asks more cautiously.

“He kissed me,” I tell him. 

His face remains the same. “What do you mean he kissed you?”

“He kissed me, Steve.”

Recognition flickers through me. He’s pissed. I’ve officially pissed him off.

“He kissed you? You didn’t… you didn’t do anything?”

“I kissed him back for a second, but I broke it off,” I say and feel my throat begin to get tighter. When it does, Steve’s face gets tenser as he folds his arms. He’s wearing a blue t-shirt and gray colored jeans. When he does, his muscles seem as if they’re going to rip out of his skin.

“Okay,” He says. “I’m not surprised. I wish you hadn’t said it wouldn’t happen because-”

He stops talking and looks as tears run down my cheeks. “Oh, god, Hav.”

Steve moves onto the bed but doesn’t touch me.

“Please don’t be mad at me. I can’t handle that again,” I get out a through a choke of tears in the back of my throat. 

I know depending on how he reacts I’ll either end up crying alone or on him. I feel terrible and completely idiotic for what I’ve done. For what’s happened. This is the worst position I can put him in, the worst thing I can put him through and he can’t watch me cry. He hates it. I hold back the tears so we can have a conversation. But, I really want to just let them flow.

Steve looks conflicted. He darts his eyes away from me and at the carpet. His hand begins to bundle up some of the blanket. 

“I’m really mad, Havallah. I… Not at you, or am I at you, but… he takes advantage of how you feel about him. He knows that he could get that close to you.”

He stops after that knowing I’m not really listening anymore. 

“Hava, listen to me,” He growls. I look up at him and his expression is hard and reserved. “You can’t let him do that to you. And I can’t let him do this to you. I hate the way he treats you.”

I know my eyes are completely glossy and glossed over. I’m listening to him I am, but I don’t know if he can tell.

“Havallah!” Steve says again. “Say something.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. He sucks in a breath and stands up.

“Me too,” He says. His pupils are flaring. I know I have to do something to calm him down. He scoffs. “Havallah. Fucking say something.”

I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I close it and sink. His hands curl into fists. He walks out of the room and for a moment, I only stare ahead. But, now I have to move. He’s leaving and I can’t let him leave. 

I want to move, but I am absolutely frozen. 

Suddenly, my curtain is knocked down and I hear yelling. 

I stand up and make my way downstairs. 

The yelling is gone now.

I move into the dining room and stare stunned.

My boyfriend… my beautiful, golden boy of a boyfriend is beating the absolute shit out of Loki. My ex-dalliance.

Everyone is stunned too. Bewildered at the image.

I feel more tears flood my eyes and spill down my cheeks.

“Stop!” I yell and move towards them. “Stop it!”

He ignores me.

I struggle with Steve and push him off of Loki.

“I said stop!” I yell at him, my voice breaking. With it comes crashing down my allusion. “Get off of him! You’re hurting him!”

I begin to take in the picture. I don’t even realize all of what I’ve done. My hand is extended toward Thor with a ring grasped tightly in his forehead, stopping him from getting involved. Steve is standing back with Natasha who is holding his arms to stop him from moving. My other hand is at him a ring circling in the middle of my palm wondering if I’m going to have to use it on him.

Not everybody is in the room either. My father, Thor, Natasha, Sam, and Wanda. I don’t know where the others are. Hell, where Bucky is. The people who did witness this are… haven’t even dared to say anything.

Steve sees me now and his anger completely subsides. I can’t relax yet. I know he’s gone soft again but as much as I want to let go of the rings and let it all go, my body isn’t going to let me. It’s still tense. Tony from the corner where he had two drinks puts them down. 

He moves towards me and touches my shoulder. I think I’m still crying. Because tears keep falling onto my jeans but I haven’t even blinked.

“Hava, come on,” Tony says. “We’ll get him cleaned up.”

I keep looking at Steve and finally, as he breaks the contact from my wrath, the ring disappears. The one from Thor does too and he falls. He’s gasping and looks at me and the situation. He looks up at Heimdall, who now moves toward Loki and helps him up. Thor struggles a for a second, but Sam and Wanda help him.

“Come on, Hava,” Tony says, offering his hand. I look at it and then him and I know he sees something he’s never seen before in me. 

I put mine in his hand he pulls me up. Heimdall and Thor begin to move out of the room. Thor notices me and stops by my side.

“Havallah,” Thor says, gently. “Come on.”

I look back at Steve as he is turned towards the wall with Natasha. 

I begin to fall, but Thor catches me in his arms and holds me up. He looks at Tony wearily and they both help me out of the room.

  
  


“I want to see him,” I mumble as they set me down in another living area. “Check up on him.”

Tony glances at Thor and Thor shakes his head.

“You should sit and think for a second,” Tony says.  I look up at the both of them and stand up.

“I don’t want to think. I just want to make sure Loki is okay,” I say. Tony furrows his brows, deeply and folds his arms. He thought I had meant Steve. 

“Sit down,” Tony says with an edge. I begin to move through them but Thor grabs my arm.

“He said sit down, Havallah,” Thor orders. He moves back onto the couch and I fall. 

“Don’t do this,” I say from where I move on the sofa. “Don’t. Not right now.”

“Havallah, you just- Why don’t you take a minute?” Tony says just below a yell.

“Because if I take a minute, I’m going to have a flashback,” I say to him. I feel it itching in the back of my mind. Wanting to creep out and take me to a time that I absolutely loathed life. My scar is throbbing so I’m guessing it’ll have something to do with that. “So let me go!”

Tony moves out of the way, but when I go to leave Thor doesn’t.

“Havallah, no. My brother can handle himself,” Thor says. “You should rest.”

I look at him and now I feel the power move in my veins and I throw it across Thor’s face and he falls. Tony says nothing and allows me to go through.

I leave them behind and run to the infirmary where I know they took Loki. I arrive and Michael’s nurses have begun to get him situated. My father stands with his arms crossed.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m checking on him,” I reply and move for him. My father stands in my way.

“No, Havallah,” Heimdall says. “You’re not going in there.”

I take a deep breath and scoff. “I am.”

“No, you’re not. I’ve never put my foot down with you on something, but I am right now. Take a walk.”

My eyebrows furrow into a deep v.

“Havallah, I know when you’re mad… take a walk.”

I look at my dad and I feel myself fall. “Papa… ”

“I know,” He says and brings me into his shoulders. I begin to sob into his shoulder and hold him tight. He begins to stroke my hair and holds me tightly. My ear stops throbbing and I feel the most relieved I have in years to be back home, home in my father’s arms. “I love you, Havallah. No matter what.”

“I love you, too Papa.”

Footsteps are heard behind us, but I don’t turn around. 

When I finally do, it’s because I hear Tony’s breathing. Natasha stands with her red hair in messes and looking a tiny bit tired. 

“Hey, Hava,” Tony sighs. 

“Thank you, thank you both,” I say to them. They smile and Natasha walks towards me and hugs me. “You know that just by sleeping with my father, you’re not my mother right?”

Natasha huffs. “I love you, Hava.”

“I love you, too.”

“And trust me, I don’t want to be your mother,” Natasha says and we pull out of the hug. “I don’t want to leave you.”

A smile comes onto my face and I look at Tony. He squeezes me and then takes me out of the hug. He places his hands on my shoulders.

“I didn’t screw you up too much, right?” He asks, looking in my eyes.

“No, Tony,” I answer. He smiles and kisses my forehead. 

“Good,” Tony says. “Cause I’m trying this whole thing with Peter now.”

“Oh, great,” I nod. We all stand there in a circle of love and I realize what’s missing from it. “Where’s Steve?”

Natasha and Tony glance at each other. “He’s outside.”

I walk out of the infirmary and watch as Steve comes off the wall, he was leaning on. He’s remorseful, but not going to beg my forgiveness type remorseful. I didn’t expect him to be. My vans sneakers squeak against the floor and suddenly I want to shrink into nothing.

I can see in his eyes, he’s still mad at me. The way they are looking in my eyes for sorriness, for me to start crying.

“Hi,” I greet. He sighs, angrily.

“Hav, I’ll tell you this because I love you and I don’t want to make you cry, but… I thought I could do this. I thought I could stand in front of you and talk and makeup. But, I’m looking at you right now and I’m still angry.”

I press my lips together tightly. “Me too. I mean, you beat up my ex-boyfriend because he kissed me.”

“No, I beat up your ex-boyfriend because he plays games with your head and turns you into a fifteen-year-old girl.”

I blink a couple times to process what he said. “Okay.”

Steve sighs, heavily. “That’s exactly what I mean, Havallah. What the hell does ‘okay’ mean?”

“You might be right,” I give him. “He’s… I know you don’t get it. I know that Steve but I would never expect you of all people to go beat the shit out of him. It’s mean.”

“Mean? Mean is bringing a teenager along for the torture of a lifetime and then erasing all of it, even the good stuff. If he loved you, why would he get rid of the stuff about loving each other?”

“He never did. He just took away the torture or tried.”

Steve paces to the wall size window and stands there for a second. Then, makes his way to where he was. “What do you mean me of all people?”

My shoulders release some pressure that was building up. “You’re a good person. That’s why I love you.”

“And I love you, despite your blind love for him.”

I clench down my jaw because every chance that I give him to come back to me, he just knocks it down. “So… what? Do you want me to leave?”

Steve doesn’t answer. He looks at me and folds his arms. “No, Havallah. Of course not, I just want… God, I want you to not love him anymore. I can’t… I can’t be with you if you don’t get… out of this emotional connection with him.”

“Are you kidding me? You are kidding, aren’t you?”

Steve blinks now, realizing he may be making me angry. “No, Hav.”

“He did one bad thing. One bad thing he couldn’t control, Steve. It’s not our faults we were captured all he was trying to do was send me home! He did some horrible things, but so have I, Steve! I’ve killed people in cold blood and the worst part about it was…” I close my mouth. “No.”

“No, what?”

“Oh my god,” I groan. “Oh my…”

I chuckle a little. He frowns and steps towards me. “I liked it, Steve. Something about it fed something inside me. And you keep telling me that I’m not a monster. You keep trying to change me, but you need to realize that I’m no perfect angel. I’m not perfect and fuck, neither are you!”

Steve hasn’t looked super surprise. I would say fearful.

“You’re not perfect. I’m not either,” Steve says and puts a hand on my arm. He takes my hand. “Even if you are a monster, someone I should fear, I still love you. Because even after what you just said, all I could think about was how much I still love you. And that scares… me. How blind love is and… I’m sorry for not understanding or trying to.”

I tilt my head and smile. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Thank you.”

  
  


**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story! I don't know if I'll be doing a sequel to it or not, but I will definitely have some sort of epilogue if I don't.


End file.
